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Canadian Inatltuta for Historical Microraproductiaas / InstitM Canadian da microraproduetiora liiatoriquaa 




1995 



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Thii ittm it IHiiMd at tlw raduction ratio ctwefcad bslew/ 

C» daoHMnt tn film* w tni> di rMuction mdiqu* ci-dtnaus. 

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Th* copy fllmad har* hu baan rapreduead thanki 
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PECK'S BAD BOY 

AND 

THE GROCERY MAN 



BY 

GEO. W. PECK 



iBtumud 



TORONTO 

THE MUSSON BOOK COMPANy 

LIMITED 



PX8 

mo 



880657 



CONTENTS 




xxn 



**'"— OMNKBK 



THE GROCERY MAN 

AND 

PECK'S BAD BOY 



CHAPTBB I. 



YAMmOATWD DOOB. 



"How do yon and your Pa g«t along nowl" aiked th. 
^^;^-^ of fte bad boy. a. he lean^ agaiLtSl^ 

'•0, I don't know. He don't Mem to appreciate m. 
What he ought to have i. • deaf and dmnb C^oSl' 

ildut™? ^ "^ '"' ^^ "^ ^ ne^Tbe^ 
^ifyoun«„r«emeag«n. I talk of going off with a 

^ Uve be«. a «.ldn.. in th. ftonly. a«i I 5;^ 

fl,ilw''kf'- " '^ ""^'^ »' that kind. Ton know Pa 
y«-M h. know, it aU; but it do.t ..« to «• iiSS 



TBI OBOCIBT UAS IMD 



■ man of hii age, that bad aeaat, would let a tailor palm off 
on Um a pair of panta so ti^^t that he -wonld have to tiae a 
bntton-hook to bntton them; bat they ean eateb him on 
everything, jiut as (bungb be was a kid smoking oigarettet. 
Well, yon know Pa drinks some. That night the new elnb 
opened be came home pretty fmitfal, and next morning bif 
head ached so be said be wonld bny me a dog if I wonld go 
down town and gst a bottle of pollynnrions water for him. 
Ton know that dye honae on Grand avenne, where tliey 
have got the fonr white spitz dogs. When I went after the 
pennrions water, I noticed they had been coloring their 
dogs with the dye staff, and I pnt ap a job with Uie Sy« 
man's little boy to help me play it on Pa. They had one 
dog dyed pink, another bine, another red, and another 
green, and I told the boy I wonld treat him to iee eream if 
he wonld let one ont at a time, when I came down with Pa, 
and eall him in and let another ont, and when we started 
to go away, to let them all ont What I wanted to do was 
to paralyse Pa, and make him think he had got 'em, got 
dogs the wont way. So, abont ten o'clock when his bead 
got oleared off, and bis stomaeb got settled, he elianged ends 
with bis enffs, and we came down town, and I told him I 
knew where be conld get a splendid white spitz dog for me, 
tor five doUan; and if be wonld get it, I wonld never do 
anything disrespeotfnl again, and wonld jnst ait np nights 
to please him, and help him np stairs and get seltzer for 
him. So we went by the dye bonse and jnst as I told him I 
didnt want anything bat a white dog, the door opened, and 
the pink dog came ont and barked at ns, and I said 'that's 
him' and the boy called him back. Pa looked as thongb 
he ha.i the eolic, and bis eyes stack ont, and be said 'Han- 
nary, that is a pink dog!' and I said 'no, it is a white dog, 
Pa,' nd jnst then the green dog came ont, and I aAad Pa 
it it waant a pr«tty wb:te dog, and Pa, he tnmed pale and 



FMX'S BAD BOT. 



Mid 'iMll, bQ7, that k a gnen dos^what'i got mto tha 
dog^t' I told he mnat be eolor blind, and waa feeling in 
mj poeket for a (trap to tie the dog, and telling him he 
mnit be eatefol of hi* health or he would see wmefliing 
worse than green dogs, when the green dog went in, and the 
bine dog eama mshing oat and barked at Pa. Well, Pa 
leaned againat a tree box, and his eyes stack out like stops 
on an organ, and the sweat was all over his faee in drops 
as big aa kernels of hominy. 

"I think a boy ong^t to do everything he ean to make it 
pleasant for his Pa, don't yout And yet, some parents 
dant realize what a comfort a boy is. The blue dog waa 
called in, and jnst as Pa wiped the perspiration off his 
forehead, and mbbed his eyes, and put on his specs, the 
red maroon dog came oat Pa acted as if he was tired md 
sat down on a horse block. Dogs do make some people 
tired, don't th^t He took hold of my hand, and his nand 
trembled jnst as though he was putting a gun wad in the 
eolleetion plate at church, and he said, 'My son, tell me 
truly, is that a red dogt' 

"▲ fellow has got to lie a little if he is going to have any 
fun with his Pa, and I told him it waa a whit? dog, and I 
aonld get it for five dollais. He straightened np jnst as the 
dog went into the house, and said, 'Well, I'm dem'd;' and 
jnst then the boy let all the dogs out and sicked them on a 
ea^ which ran np a shade tree right near Pa, and they rush- 
ed all around us— the blue dog going between his legs, and 
the green dog trying to climb the tree, and llie pink dog 
barting, and the red dog standing on his hind feet. 

"Pa was weak as a eat, and told me to go right home with 
him. and he wonld buy me a bicycle. He asked me how 
many dogs there were, and what was the color of them. I 
■^KM I did awful wrong, but I told him there was <mly one 
dog, and a oat, and the dog waa iHtite. 



TBI flMCHT MAM AMB 



"Wall, tir, Pa acted jnst as he did the night Hanooek 
wai beat, and he had to have the doctor to give him lome- 
thing to qniet him (the time he wanted me to go down town 
and boy a handled rat traps, hat the doctor aaid never 
mind, I needn't go). I took him home, and Ma loaked hii 
feet, and give him aome ginger tea, and while I wai gone 
after the doctor he aiked Ifa if she erer saw a green dog. 

"That was what made aU the trouble. If Ma had kept 
her month shat I woold have been all ri|^ but she op and 
told him that they had a green dog, and a bine dog, and all 
ooloia of spitz dogs down at the dyers. They dyed them 
just for an advertisement, and for him to be qniet, and he 
would feel better when he got over it. Pa was all right 
when I got back and told him the doctor had gone to Wan- 
watoaa, and I had left an order on his slate. Pa said he 
would leave an order on my slate. He took a harness tng 
and nsed it for breeching on me. I don't think a bi^'a Pa 
ongfat to wear a harness on his son, do yoat He said he 
wonid leani me to play rainbow dogs on him. He said I 
wss a liar, and he expected to see me wind np in Congieas. 
Say, is Congreas anyfliing like Wanpon or Sing Singt No, 
I eaat stay, thank yon, I moat go down to the offioe and 
tell Pa I have reformed, and freeze him oat of a cirens 
ticket He ia a good enon^ man, only be don't apprecistte 
a boy that hijp got all the modem improvements. .Pa and 
Ma are going to enter me in the Sunday aehool. I guess 
111 take Ibst money, dnnt yont" 

AbA tha bad boy went ont with a viaiUe limp, and a look 
of fMina erampad for want of opportDniiy. 



liBABaor. 



cbaftebu 



Hn PA FLATS JODB. 

S^th^ af!.**^ "^ °' *^ «™*^ nun. « ha e«S 
m With Ui Snndv ioit on. «nd a bouquet in hit button. 

kotaj «Bd pri«d off . Muple of lig. from « »«w b« «h.t h«i 
DMn juft opened. 

"No eir," «id the grooeiy man, a. he Uaked off th. 
I^£^«.f""^ from a quart meanin, from whieh he 
hadb^fflUng.jug. "IholdthatrmTwhogrtimad" 
apr«*,eal joke, that i^ one that doe. not injureUm. i. . 
tool, and he onj^t to be Aunned by aU d««.tl^li^ 
That.. meebouquM you haye in your ooat Whattait, 
P«-«.t Let m. .neU of it," and the g««„y man bJu 
ow m front of the b<y to take a whiff at tteltouquet M 
ta did » a rtream of water diot out of the innooent lookin. 
tauqjMt and rtruok him fuU in the faoe, and run downowi 
toiWrt, and the groeery man yeUed murder, and feU owr 

^«!^«1 "^ 'i^ '^ '"'*^ "°"*^ """J *« ««>P«J 
wound for a towel to wipe hi. faoe. 

M he to^ up an axe helye and rtartod for him, "what kind 

you.^ thimder," and he roUed up hi. dUrt deer,.. 

A.^Sl^''^ *""'*'• I*«*«t*tToteofyouon 
*e wbj«rt of pmsid jok«, before the n»ehine b«« to 

J*V »P«m the eoniUpation th.t w.. mging « yo^Twir 
«V»e»,a.dyon«idth«taniMi,Ao wmM |et mad at 



THE OBOOBIT UAH AMD 



a jak* wu • Ud, and now I know tt. Hai* let m* dww 
it to TOO. Than ia a rabber hoaa mna {ram the bowjoat, 
inaida my ooat to my panta poakat, and than b • bulb of 
rnbbar, that bolda about half a pint, and whan a faller 
amalla of tlu poi^y, I aqnaaia the bulb, and yon tea tha 
raaolt It'a fnn, when yon don't iqairt it on a panon fliat 
getamad." 

The groeeiy man laid he would giye the boy half a 
pound of flgi if he wonld lend tha bonqat to him for half 
an hour, to pli^ it on a enatomer, and the boy fixed it on 
the grooeiy man, and tamed the nonle m it would iqnirt 
ri^t baek into the graoery man'a faee. He tried it on the 
flnt eoatomer that came in, and got it right in hia own faoe^ 
and then the bnlb in hia panti pooket got to leaking and 
the nit of the water ran down the graoery num'a tronaan' 
leg, and he gave it np in diagoat, and handed it baek to the 
bar. 

"How waa it your Pa had to be earried home from the 
Boeiable in a hack the other ni{^tt" aaked the grocery man, 
aa he atood eloae to the atoye ao hia paati leg wonld dry. 
"He haa not got to drinking again, haa het" 

"0, no," aaid the boy, aa he filled the bnlb with yinegar, 
to praotioe on hia ofanm. "It waiUiia bonqnet Ihat gotPa 
into the tronble. Yon see I got Pa to amell of it, and I jnat 
filled him ehnok fnll of water. He got mad and called me 
all kinda of namea, and aaid I waa no good on earth, and I 
wonld fetch up in state's prison, and then he wanted to bor- 
row it to wear to the sociable. He said he wonld have mon 
fan than yoa ooald shake a atiek at, and I aaked him if he 
didnt think he-woald feteb np in atate'a priaon. and he 
said It waa diifeiwit with a man. He said when a man 
played a Joka tiian was a certain dignity abont it that waa 
i««Hng in a boy. So I lent it to him, and we all went to the 
aoeiable in the basimiaiit of flw ehnreh. I never see Pa 



nCK'g BID BOT. 



more UtUaj that he wu that nii^t H« llUtd the bnlb 
with iee water, and tiie ftrat one he got to emell of hia bnt- 
too-hole boaqnet waa an old maid who ttii«fc« Pa b a 
he ath e n , bat ihe lilces to be made aomething of hj anybody 
that wean pauta, and when Pa lidled up to her and began 
talking abont what a great work the obristian wimmea of 
the land were doing in ednoating the heathen, she felt real 
good, and then ihe noticed Pa 'a posey in his bntton-hole 
and she tonehed it, and then she reached over her beak to 
smell of it. Pa he squeezed the bulb, and about half a tea- 
cupfnl of water struck her right in the nose, and some went 
into her strangle place, and O, my, didn't she yelL The 
sisters gathered around her and they said her face was all 
covered with perspiration, and the paint was coming off, 
and th^ took her in the kitchen, and she told them Pa had 
slapped her with a dish of ice eream, &nd the wimmin told 
the minister and the deaeons, and they went to Pa for an 
explanation, and Pa told them it waa not so, and the min- 
ister got interested and got near Pa, and Pa let the water 
go at him, and hit him in the eye, and then a deacon got a 
dose, and Pa laughed; and then the minister, who used to 
go to college, and be a hazer, and box, he got mad and 
squared off and hit Pa three times right by the eye, and 
one of the deaeons kicked Pa, and Pa got mad and said he 
could clean out the whole shebang, and began to pull off his 
coat, when they bundled him out doors, and Ma got mad 
to see Pa abused, and she left the sociable, and I had to 
sti^ and eat ice eream and things for the whole family. 
Pa says that settles it with him. He says they haven't got 
any more christian charity in that church than they have 
in a tannery. Hia eyes are just getting over being blaok 
from the sparring leasons, and how he has got to go through 
eyttan and heefateak eore again. He says it is all owing 
tome." 



° TBM emoamir UAK tm 

"WtU, what hM aU tUi «Bt to do witt jimr paMiif mp 
■iff* in front of my iton^ 'Rotttn Bgp,' and 'Vrowy 
Bnttar a ipodaMy,' taid tlM grooMT man aa ha took tha boy 
bj Oa aar and pnllad him around. Ton baTO got an idaa 
yoQ are imart, and I want 700 to keep away fran h«a. 
The next time I cateh yoa in haia I dull eall the poliee 
and hare yon pnlled. Now git I" 

The lay polled hia ear back on the dde of hi* head 




IF I wta A FBOvmoM pmAn. 

where it belonged, took oat a cigarette and lit it, and aft* 
pnfbig imoke in the faoe of the grooeiy eat that waa aleep- 
ing on tb • eorer to lite tngar barrel he said: 

"If I waa a proviiion pirate that never acid anything bat 
what WIS (polled lo it oonldn't be lold in a fint-olaM atore, 
who oheated in wai^iti and meamrea, who bon^ only 
wormy Hgt and dee^yad eod-flah, who got his bnttvtem a 
fat rendering establishment, his eider from a vinagar tmt- 



rmx'a bad bot. 



I wnMiId set 
^nv.tir, I 



»«y. Mid Ui tagu irom • gfauoM Uetorr, 
nwolt Am ton of on* of the flncrt fcmnj t, 
eoold go ont on the oomer, and when I ■_„ «,»wi<ia„ 
•oniiag here, I eoold taU • itorj that wonld ton Oeir 
^maOm, end tend them to the grooeiT <« the nert eomer. 
Bnppoee I ehonld teU them tiwt the eirt ileepe in the dried 
■ppl* bHirt, that the ndee mtde neate in the pmne boi, 
•nd rati run riot thrani^ the radne, and that you new 
waah Tonr handa eseept on Deeoration d«r and Ohrialmaa, 
that 70a wipe TOOT noee on yonr aUrt deerci, and that roD 
hare the Ueh, do yon think your hnaineai w«mld be impror- 
edf Bnppoee I ihonid teU enetomen that yon buy aonr 
krant of a wooden-ahoad Polaekar, who makee h of pieeee 
of eabbage that he geti hy gathering ewill, and aeUe that 
•tnir to reapeetable people, eonld yon pay your rentt HI 
•honld teU them that yon put kwengen in the eoUeetiMi 
plate at ehnreh, and eharge the miniater forty eenta a 
ponnd for oleomargarine, yon wonld haw to ekae np. Old 
man, I am onto yon, and now yon apokigiie for pnlling mr 
ear." ^' 

The gioeeiy man tnmed pale dnring the neital, and 
fcially add the bad boy waa one of the beat litfle fbUowa 
in thia town, and the bqy went out and hung np a aign in 
froEt: Gill, wanted to eook. 



nn owMiBT xAir im 



OHAFTBB m. 



I PA n 



"I hear yon had biii!^ui orar to tout hooMlaitiii^it," 
•aid the gnetrj man to tha bad boy, m he eame in and aat 
on the ooanter ri|^t orer a little gimlet hole, dImn the 
grocery man had fixed a darning needle ao that bgr polling 
a atring the needle woold fly np throni^ the hole ud ran 
into the boy abont an inch. The gRweiy man had bean 
laying for the boy abont two ditya, and now that ke had 
got him ii(^t orer the hole the flnt time^ it made Vm lan^ 
to think how he would make him jnmp and ydl, and m he 
edged ofT and got hold of the itring the boy looked, nn- 
eonaeioai of impending danger. The grocery man pidlad, 
and the boy aat atOL He pnlled again, and again, and 
Anally the boy aaid: 

"Tea, it ia reported that we had barman over there. 0, 
yon needn't pnll that itring any more. I heard yon waa 
letting a trap for me, an^ I pnt a piece of board indde ny 
panti, and thonght I would let yon exereiae yonraelf . Go 
ahead if it amnaea yon. It don't hurt me." 

The grocery man looked sad, and then smiled a ueUy 
aort of a amile, at the f ailnre of his plan to pnnctnie the 
boy, and then he said, "Well, how waa itt The polieeman 
didn't aeem to know much abont the partionlars. He said 
there wu ao mnoh deviltry going on at yonr honae that 
nobody oonld tell when anything waa aerions, and ha wm 
inclined to think it waa a pat np Job." 

"Now, let'a haTe an nnderatanding," saya &» bey. 



rm'ButBwn. 



' I mf, jtn •!• B0t to gir* nc kwigr. It'i • ■», 
h ttf I hav* iIwigfB Imii •fraid of 70D, baMOM yva hmt 
t MMt of dtoarvd an look ■boot 70a. TonweUkaapMk 
of potatow with tho bi( onw on top. • Mrt of ■ itrawbtny 
bn, with tiM bottom railed up, to I haTO thoncbt yon 
DonU to baak on a fallow. But if yon wont giva thii 
awagr, hara goaa. Ton aaa, I haar Ma tall Pa to bring np 
aaoOar bottia of liniment laat ni^t When Ma eorki her- 
aalf, or haa • pain aojrwhare, ihe jnat naee liniment for all 
Oat ii out, and a pint bottle don't laat more than a week. 
Well, I told mj ahnm, and wa laid for Pa. Thia liniment 
Ma naea ii offol hot, and almoat bliatera. Pa went to the 
Langtty ahow, and did not get home till eleven o'elook, and 
ma a^l mj ehnm dadded to taaeh Pa a laann. I dont 
think it ia ri|M for a man to go to the theaten and not take 
hia wife or hia littia hoy." 

"So we eonelndad to borgle Pa. We agreed to lay on the 
atiii^ and when he eame np my ehnm wa« to hit him on the 
head with a dried bladder, and I waa to itab him on hia 
^(M8t poeket with a atiek, and break the liniment bottle, 
and make him think he waa killed. 

"It eooldn't have worked better if we had rehearaed it 
Wa had talked about bnrglan at sapper time, and got Pa 
nenrona, ao when he eame np etaira and waa hit on the head 
with flM bladder, the flrat tiling he said waa 'Barbara, by 
mi|^,' and ha itarted to go back, and I hit him on the 
braaat poeket, wh::i« the bottle was, and then we niihed by 
him, down ataira, and I aaid in a stage whisper, 'I gness 
ha'a a dead man,' and we went down cellar and np the 
baA ataiis to my room and nndieaaed. Pa hollered to Ma 
that ha waa mnrdan J, and Ma ealled me, and I eame down 
in my nii^tt^hirt, and the hired girl oame down, and Pa 
waa «■ tha Umnga, and ha aaid hia life-blood waa faat ebbing 
cway. Ha hdd hia hand on tiie wound, and said he oould 



u 



mif Aim 



Md ft to Itaff MUM tW into ft* WODBd, K^ « b« Md M 

to prtoo nj 1^ to alto ay mataA. pwr, «d P, Mid, 
ll7M7,tUitaiiotiiM<ortriffiii(. Tow pa ta «■ uilMl 
■^ ^k* ^MM np •tain I mrt dz buflnL a^ i 
•ttMtod thm, and fcrwd ftmr of flwm down, and wai 

u* DwtMtttti ^m one of them itniek ma o»ir fta hMd 
Witt a wowbar, and the otbor itabbad ma in the heart witt 
atateherknife. I have reoeiTed mjr deett wound, my bor. 
•nd my hot eonthern Wood, that I offerBd up 00 fMdy fte 
mjr eowitiy in her time of need, ia pa«in« fran my body. 

and eoon yom- Pa wiU be only a pieee of poor eUy. oit 
•ome toe and pat on my etomaeh, and aU the w^> down, for 
lamboMmgnp.' I went to the water pitehar and |ot a 
shank of ioe and pot indde Pa's ehir^ ud wUle Ma was 

tjMiag ap an old skirt to stop the flow of Mood, I askad Pa 
tf ha fWt better, and if ha eonld deeeribe the TiUains who 
had mnrdsred him. Pa (Mqwd and mored hta le^ to gat 
ttw eeol from tte elottod blood, he said, and he wtort ao. 
One of them was about rix foot U^ and had a san^ 
MnatMhe. I got him down and hit him «■ the nose, and if 
ttepolioeflndhim,hisnoeew:Ulbebwke. The seeeond one 
was thiek se^ and weighed about two hnndred. I had him 
down and my boot was on his neck, and I was knooUnt two 
more down when I was hit The ttiek set one will hava tte 
mai* of boot heels on his throat TeUthe polloe when I'm 
gone, about the boot heel maiks.' 

"By this time Ua had got the skirt tore np and she staff- 
ad it under Pa's shirt, ri^t where he said he wu hit, and 
Fawas tellinK us what to do to settle his estate, when Ma 
n to smell the liniment, and she found the btohan bet- 



tfe ia Ua poAsl^ and searehed Pa fw 



the plaae lAera hs 



^lABIOr. 



> to InA and ft Mt aad 
mmdmliht 4ida*t MM* dwth-M mmm wm nak mi 
•U^^ foaaf afliirt aadthaikttoidhimhawMBot 
kvt; bat that h* had faUn on tha atoin and broka kta 




IHl MMOM aOT Orv TBB OOUKna WITH Hn HAMD OLUim. 

bottia, and that than waa no blood on bim, and be laid, 'do 
ron ncaa to tall ma aqr body and l<«i an not bathad in 
bunan fOMt' and than Pa got np and foond it waa cbIj 
thaU^wit Ha fot mad and adnd Ma wbr aha didst 
4r nasBd and jat aamatting to taha tkat liaiaMt off bM 



THB OBOOCBT KAK IXD 



I«gi, M it WM eating them ri^t Oaaa^ to the bone; aai 
then he eaw my ehnm pat hia head in the door, with one 
gallns hanging down, and Pa looked at me, and then he 
■aid, 'liook-a-here, if I find oat it waa 70a boya that put np 
thia job on me, 111 make it eo hot for yoa that yoo will 
think liniment is iee cream in compariaon.' I told Pa it 
didn't look reasonable that me and 1117 chum coald be aiz 
bnrglara, six feet hig^, with oar noses broke, and boot-heel 
marks on oar neek, and Pa, he said for ns to go fa; bed all- 
flred qaick, and give him a chance to rinse off Uiat liniment, 
and we retired. Sajr, how doea my Pa strike 70a as a good 
single-handed liart" and the Ixqr went np to the eoonter, 
while the grocery man went after a Seattle of coaL 

In the mean time one of the grocery man's best onstomsis 
— a deacon in the chnrch — had come in and sat down on the 
counter over the darning needle, and aa the grocery man 
came in with the eoal, the boy polled the string, and went 
oat the door and tipped over a basket of ratabagaa, while 
the deacon got down off the connter with his hands clasped, 
and angrr in every featare, and told the groceiy man he 
conld whip him in two minates. The groeery man aaked 
what was the matter, and the deacon hanted ap the aonree 
from whence the darning needle came throagh the ooanter, 
and as the bey went across the street, the deaoon and tiie 
grocery man were rolling on the floor, the grocery man try- 
ing to hold the deacon's fists while he explained about the 
darning needle, and that it was intended for the boy. How 
it came oat the boy did not wait to see. 



nnK%Bii>aor. 



15 



OHAPTBBIV. 



Bia PA aoBrao. 



"Si.T, euH I Mil yoa wme itook in a lilver minet" aik- 
ed tiie bad boy of the groeoy man, aa lie eame in tlia atom 
and pulled tram hk breaat poeket a doeament printed on 
parchment paper, and repreaeuting leveral thonaand dol- 
lar* atoek in a aUver mine. 

"I«ok-a-here," aaid the groeeiy man, aa he tnmed pale, 
and thoni^t of telq)honing to the police atation for a detee- 
tiva, "yon haven't been atealing your father'! mining stock, 
have jroat Great heavena, it haa come at laitl I have 
known all the time that jron wonld tnm ont to be a bnrglar, 
or a defaulter or robber of aome kind. Yonr fathrhaathe 
rapntatfam of having a bonania in a silver mine, bat if yon 
go Ingging hia ailver stoek aronnd he will soon be mined. 
Now yon (0 ri^t back home and pnt that atoek in tout 
Fa'a aafe, like a good boy." 

"Pot it in the aafel 0, no, we keep it in a box stall now, 
in the bam. I will trade Toor this thonsand doUars in 
stock tor two heads of lettnoe, and get Pa to sign it over to 
TOO, if yoa My ■<>. Pa UAA me I conld have tiie whole 
tmnk fnll if I wanted it^ and the hired girla are nsing the 
sUvar atoek to dean the windows, and kindle firea, and Pa 
has qnit the ehnreh, and aagm he won't bel<mg to anj oon- 
eera Oat barbora bilka. What'e a bilkt" said tiie b(qr aa 
he opened a entdy jar and took oat foor stieks of hoar- 
henadaHidj. 

"A Wk," said the groeeir man, aa he watshed the boy, 



16 



*HB moamci uas and 



"u • UOaw Hist playi a man for eandy, or niMM7, or hij- 
tidng', and don't intend to retom an eqiiiTaleiit Ton are a 
■mall died bilk. But what's the matter with yonr Pa and 
the ofanroh, and what has the lilyer mine etoek got to do 
with itt" 

"Well, yon remember that ezhorter that was here last 
fall, that need to board around with the chnreh people all 
the week and talk about Zion and laying np treasores where 
the moths wouldn't gnaw them, and they wouldn't get 




AMii PA nan) to arrup niohtb to look at rr. 



msiy, and where thieves wouldn't piy off the hinges. He 
was the one that used tc go home with Ma from prayer 
meetings, when Pa was down town, and who wanted to pay 
off the ehursh debt in solid silver brioks. He's the bilk. I 
guess if Pa should get him by the neok he would jerk nine 
kinds of revealed religion out of him. O, Pa is hotter 
than he was when the hornets took the lunoh off of him. 
When you strike a pious man on the poekst-book it hurts 
him. That fellow pr^ed and sang like an angel, and 
boarded around like a tranqi. He stopped at oar honse 



pick's bid bot. 



17 



•far • WMk, ud he had ipeemieiu of rock that were ehuek 
fnll of nlver and gold, and he and Pa used to sit up night* 
and look at it Ton oonld pick pieces of silver ont of the 
roek as big as buck shot and he had some silver brioks that 
were beantifnl. He had been cat in Colorado and f oond a 
hill full of silver rock, and he wanted to form a stodk com- 
pany and dig oat millions of dollars. He didn't want any- 
body bot pions men that belonged to the church, in the 
company, and I think that was one thing that janaed Pa to 
unite with the church so s . idenly. I know he was as wick- 
ed as could be a few days before he joined the church ; Int 
this revivalist, with his words about the beautiful beyond 
where all shall dwell together in peace and sing praiae<i; 
and his description of that Colorada mountain where the 
silver stnek out so you could hang your hat on it, converted 
Pa. That man's scheme was to let all the church people 
who were in good standing, and who had plenty of mon«y, 
into the company, and when the mine begun to return 
dividends by the car load, they could give largely to the 
ohnreh and pay the debts of all the churches, and put down 
caipata and fresoo the ceiling. The man said he felt that 
ha had been steered on to that silver mine by a hi^ier 
power, and his idea was to woil it for the gloiy of the 
sanse. He said he liked Pa and would make him vice- 
prendent of the company. Pa, he bit like a baas, and I 
guess he invested five thousand dollars in stock, and Ha, 
she wanted to come in, and she put in a thousand dollars 
that she had laid up to buy some diamond ear-rings, and 
the man gave Pa a lot of stock to sell to other member* of 
the ohnreh. They all went into it, even the minister. Ha 
drew his salary ahead, and all of the deacons they came 
in, and the man went back to Oolorada with abont thirty 
tfamsand dollsrs of good, pious money. Yesterday Pa got 
a pafMr from Colorado, giving the whole snap away, and 



18 



TBB eaoami iuk ms 



the piooi nun haa besn ipending tbe mauj in Danrcr, and 
whooping it np. Pa inipeetad MmetUng waa mar^ two 
weeka ago^ when he heard that the piooa man had been on a 
toot in Chicago, and he wrote to a man in DeoTer, who wd 
to get foil with Pa jean ago when th«7 were both on the 
tnrf, and Pa 'a friend aaid the man that lold the stock was a 
fraud, and that he didn't own no mine, and that he bor- 
rowed the samples of ore and silver brieks from a pawn- 
broker in Denver. I gneas it will break Pa np for a while, 
though he is well enough fixed with mortgages and things ; 
but it hurts him to be to(dc in. He lays it all to Ma-4e 
says if she hadn't let that exhorter for the silver mine go 
home with her this would not have occurred, and Ma sayi 
she believes Pa was in partnership with the man to beat 
her out of her thousand dollars that she was going to boy 
a pair of diamond earrings with. 0, it is a terror over to 
the house now. Both of the hired girls put in all the maatf 
they had, and took stock and they threaten to sue Pa for 
anon, and they are going to leave to-night, and Ma will 
have to do the work. "Dont you never try to get rieh 
qniek;" said the boy as he peeled a herring, and took a 
oonple of eraeken. 

"Never you mind me," said the grocery man, "they 
dont eatch me on any of tiieir silver mines; but I hope tliis 
will have some inflnenee on you and teaeh you to reqpeet 
your Pa's feelings, and not play jokes on him whHe he is 
feeling so bad over bis being swindled." 

"0, I don't know about that, I think when a man is in 
trouble^ if he haa a good little boy to take his mind from 
his troubles, and get him mad at something else, it rests 
him. I<a«t lagiA we had hot maple ^yrup and biscuit for 
supper, and Pa had a saucer fell in front of *»™, just a 
steaming. I eoold see he was thinking too much about his 
mining stock, and I thou^t if there was anyfldng I •cidd 



FBOK's bad 107. 



a 



da to taki hia mind off of it and place it on loniethin^ die, 
I would be ioing a kindnen that wonld be appreciated. I 
■at on the li^t of Pa, and when he wasn't looking I palled 
the table eloth ao the aanoer of red hot maple lymp drop- 
ped off in his lap. Well, you'd a dide to see how qnick hii 
thoni^ tamed from his financial troubles to his phydcal 
miafortnnes. There was aboat a pint of hot vyrup, and it 
went all over his lap, and yon know how hot melted maple 
sugar is, and how it sort of clings to anjrthing. Pa jumped 
up and grabbed hold of his pants' legs to puii them away 
from hi wel f, and he danced aroond and told Ma to tRm 
the hose <m him, and then he took a pitcher of iee-wster and 
poured it -'. -wn his pants, and he said the oondemnod old 
table was getting so rieketty that a saucer wouldn't stay on 
it, and I told Pa if he would put some tar on his legs, the 
same kind that he told me to put on my lip to make my 
mustache grow, the agrmp wouldn't bum so; and then be 
enibd me, and I think he felt better. It is a great thing to 
tet a man's mind off of his tror:bles, but where a man 
hasn't got any mind like yon, for instance. — " 

At this point the grocery man picked up a fire poker, and 
the boy went out in a hurry and hung np a sign in front 
of thegroeery: 



CABB PAID 
rOB FAT DOOB. 



ao 



TBS GBOOBBT KiN IMD 



OHAPTBB V. 



mS PA AMD DTKAKm. 



"I gnew your Pa'i loou in the sUvar mine have made 
him erazy, havent thqrt" laid the groeery man to the bad 
boy, as he eame into Ute itore with his eye-winkers singed 
off, and powder marks on his laee, and began to play on the 
harmonioa, as he sat down on the end of a stiok of store 
wood, and balaneed himself. 

"O, I gneis not He has hedged. He got in with a 
deaeon of another ohnreh, and sold some of his stoek to 
him, and Pa says if I will keep my oondemned month shnt 
he will unload the whole of it, if the chnrohee hold ont. He 
goes to a new ehnreh every nig^t there is prayer meeting or 
anything, and makes Ma go with him to pve him tone, and 
after meeting she talks with the sisters abont how to pieoe 
a bed qnilt, while Pa gets in his work selling silver stoek. 
I don't know bni he will order some more stock from the 
factory, if he sells all he has got," and the boy went on 
playing, "There's a land that is fairer than dtfy." 

"Bnt what was be skipping np street for the other night 
with his hat off, grabbing nt his coat tails as thonj^ they 
were on flret I thoo^t I never saw a puny man run any 
taster. And what was the celebration down on your street 
about that timef I thongbt the world was coming to an 
end," and the grocery man kept away from the boy, for 
fear he would explode. 

"O, that was only a Fmka scare. Nothing serioiB. Ton 
see Pa is a sort of half Bn^ishman. He claims to be an 



FKK'8 BAD BOr. 



Anwri M D oitiMo iriien he wanti offle*^ but when thegr Ulk 
■bout a draft he claims to be a nibjeet of Gnat Britain, 
and he Hyi they can't tonch him. Pa ii a darned arart 
man, and don t yon forget it. There don't any of them get 
ahead of Pa much. WeU, Pa hai aaid a good deal abont the 
wicked Feniani, and that they onght to be pulled, and all 
that, and when I read the itory in the papers alMnt the 
szplosion in the British Parliament, Pa was hot He said 
the damnirish was mining the whole world. He didnt 
dare to say it at the table, or our hired giri wonld have 
knocked him silly with a spoonfol of mashed potatoes, 
'canse she is a nirish girl, and she can lick any Englishman 
in this town. Pa said there ought to have been somebody 
there to have taken that bomb np and throwed it in the 
sewer before it exploded. He said that if he should ever 
see a bomb he wonld grab it right up and throw h awiy 
where it wouldn't hnrt anybody. Pa has me read the pa- 
pen to him nights, 'cause his eyes have got splinters in 'em, 
and after I had read all there was in the paper, I made np 
a lot more and pretended to read it, about how it was 
rumored that the Fenians here in Milwaukee were going to 
place dynamite bunbs at every house where an 1i!ne1i.lwny .^ 
lived, and at a given signal blow them all np. Pa looked 
pale around the gills, but he said he wasn't seared. 

"Pa and Ma were going to call on a she-deacon that 
ni^t, that has lots of money in the bank, to see if she 
didnt want to invest in a dead sure paying silver mine, and 
me and my chum concluded to give them a send-off. We 
got my big black injy rubber foot ball, and painted 'Diny- 
might' in big white letters on it, and tied a piece of tarred 
rope to it for a fuse, and got a big flre-cracker, one of 
those old Fourth of July horse aearers, and a basket full 
of broken glass. We put the foot baU in front of the step 
and lit the tarred rope and got under the step with the 



'> TRB (MOCnT UAH AMD 

*f<nAm and bMkrt, whan fha^ go down into the JbM*. 
mMtt Pa and Ifa eama ont of the front door, and down 
tha atepi, and Pa aaw the foot ball and the biuninc fnaa, 
and he laid 'Great God, Banner, we are Mowed npl' and 
ha itarted to nu., and Ma aha (topped to look at h. Joatat 
Pa atarted to nin I tonehed off the flre-eraoker, and my 
ehnm arranged it to poor ont the broken ^aaa on the briek 
pavement jnrt aa the fire-eraeker went off. Well, evarj- 
thing went jnrt aa we expected, exoept Ma. She had ex- 
amined the foot ball and oondnded it waa not dangenraa, 
and waa jnat giving it a kick aa the flre^raekar want off, 
and the glaaa fell, and the flre-eraeker waa ao near her that 
it acared her, and when Pa looked aronnd Ma wm il/ing 
aeroaa the iddewalk. and Pa heard the noiae he thought the 
honee wai blown to atoms. 0, you'd a dide to see him go 
aionnd the ooraer. Ton oonld play orokay on hia eoat-tail, 
and his faee was as pale as Ma's when she goes to a party. 
But Ma didn't scare mneh. As qniek aa ahe atopped 
against the hitching post ahe knew it waa ns boys, and she 
eame down there, and maybe she didnt manl me. I cried 
and tried to gain her ifympathy hy telling her the Are- 
oraoker went off before it waa due, and bnmed my eye- 
brows off, but she a»dnt let np until I promised to go and 
iind Pa. 

'^I teU yon, my Ma ou^t to be engaged hy the Britiah 
goremment to hnnt ont the dynamite flends. She wonld 
corral them in two minutes. If Pa had as much sand aa Ma 
haa got, it would be warm weather for me. Well, me and 
my chum went and headed Pa off or I gneaa he wonld be 
miming yet. We got him up by the lake shore, and he 
wanted to know if the house fell down. He said he would 
leave it to me if he ever said anything against the IVnians, 
and I «eld him that he had always claimed that the Fenians 
wwe tiie nicest men in the worid, and it seemed to relieve 



noK's BAD aor. ss 

•la wjr miuh. Wkan ha fot home and loimd the honn 
thne be wae tiekled, and whan Ha eaUed him an old bald- 
headed eoward, and aaid it wae only a joke of the \>oy» with 
a toot ball he langhed right out, and «aid he knew it aU the 
time,andherantOiaeif Mawooldbeacand. Andthenhe 
wanted to hng me, bat it waint my night to hog and I went 
down to the theatra. Pa don't amonnt to mneh when there 
ia tronble. Thi time Ma had them orampa, yon remember, 
when yon got yonr enenmben flnt laat auaon. Pa eame 
near fainting away, and Ma laid ever linee they had been 
married when anything ailed her. Pa has had paina jnat the 
■ame aa ihe haa, only he granted more, and thoo^t he waf 
going to die. Ooah, if I was a man I wouldn't be sick eyeiy 
time one of the nei{^boni had a baek aohe, would yonf" 

"WeU you ean't tell. When you have been married 
twcniy or thirty yeara yon wiU know a good deal more than 
you do now. You think you know it all, now, and yon are 
pretty intelligent for a boy that haa been brought up oare- 
laeely, but there are thingi that you will learn after a while 
that will aatoniah you. But what aila your Pa'e toethi 
Tha hired girl wae over her to get aome com meal for gruel, 
and ahe kud your Pa wai gamming it, aince he loat hia 



"0, ^ibout the teeth. That waa too bad. You aee my 
ahum haa got a dog that is old, and his teeth have all eome 
out in front, and this morning I borried Pa's teeth before 
he got op, to see if we couldn't fix them in the dog's mouth 
so he oonld eat better. Pa says it is an evidence of a kind 
heart for a boy to be good to dumb animals, but it ia a 
darned mean dog that wiU go back on a friend. We tied 
tte teeth in the dog's mouth with a string that went around 
hia upper jaw, and another around his under jaw, and 
m'd a dide to see how funny he looked when he I'affed 
He lo(Aad jost like Pa whan he tried to smile so as to get 



^ *■■ oaooHrr luir mm 

ine to soma up to hia » k, em Uflk me. The dog pawed 
U» month • epeU to get the toeth out, wd then wt iw. 
hto • bone with eome meit on, and he begu to gnaw the 
bone, and the teeth oame off the plate, and he thon^ h 
wae pieeei of the bone^ and he nrallowed the teeth, lb 
ohui notieed tttot,andheMidwehadgottogetfaioqr 
wort pretty qniok to lave the platea and I thi.,t we ware 
in huk to aave them. I held the dog, and my dmm. who 
i«« better acquainted with him, nnti«d the etringi and got 
aie gold platoa out, but there were only two toeth left, and 
the dog WM happy. He woggled hi. t«l for moi« toeth, 
but we hadn't any more. I am going to give him Ma '• toeth 
•ome day. My chum .^y. when a dog geto «i appetite for 
•nything yon have got to keep giving it to him or he goM 
baA on you But I think my ehnm played dirt on me. We 
•old the gold platea to a jewelry man. and my ehnm kept 
themon^. I tbink, a. long ., I fnmirfied the goodi he 
ought to have given me lomething bedde. the eiperience. 

bet AU flu. tune the boy wa. maiUng on a pieee of 
P«per, and «)on after he went out the gioeery man notieed 
• erowd outnde, and on going out he found a eign hancinc 
up wbieh read: — «ui« 

WOBMT P108 
rOB PABTIXS. 



'u BAOwr. 



OHAPTBBVL 



■a PA AN cmAinmnjM. 

"Jtay, wUl yon do me • &TOrf " aakid th* bad boy of the 
gtoeery man, aa he lat down on the Kwp bos and pnt Ui 
wet booti on the ftore. 

"Wdl. y.^" nid the groeery nun hentatin^, with • 
fMinc that he WM liable to be told. "If yon will help me 
eateh the villain who hangi np thoae diarepntabU ligna in 
front of my itore, I will Whatiaitf" 

"I want yon to liek thia stamp and pnt it on thia latter 
It ia to my girl, and I want to fool her," and the bqy hand^ 
*d OTBT the letter, and atamp, and while the groeery man 
wu UeUng it and putting it on, the bey filed hn poeketa 
with dried peaehea ont of a box. 

"There, that'a a amaU job," aaid the grocery man. aa he 
prtaaad the atamp on the letter with hia thnmb and handed 
it baek. "But how are yon going to fool herl" 

"That'a jnat buaineaa," aaid the b<»y. aa he held the letter 
tohianoeeandamelledoftheatamp. "That wiU make her 
tired. Yon aee, every time the gets a letter from me ahe 
I thia atamp, becauae ahe thinfct I Ucked it When the 
"^ ■*«>»?. «id Beta the fnmea of plug tobaeoo, and 
aUle beer, and limberg eheeae, and mouldy potetoea, it will 
knock her down, and then ahe will aak me what aUed the 
■tanv. and I WiU tell her I got yon to lick it, and then it 
Will make her tick, and her parentt will ttop tnrfiug here 
0,JtwiUparaly«eher. Do you know, yon tmell like a ^. 



DMt 



MAM un 

fMlM7. Qflih, I MB mall jgg ^ „^ ^ rttn. 

Toa ndl aajthiiig that nMlto •poil.df" 
Th« groeair man thoo^t ^m did anaU aamatUiig tkat 

U«WI the iM^r'a boot off th. atow and aald, "Ifa^ 
boot boninff. Gradoni, open tha doorl It amaUa lika a 
hotbosonaflabooaa. mewl And there eomea a eoQple 
ofmybeatiadyenatomew." Tha ladlea eaaa to and bald 
their handketehieft to their noaea, and while thar ware 
tradtog the bojr eaid, u thorn* ooattonint the eonwraatlon. 
. Tee, Pa eaja that laet olemargarine I got here ie noth- 
«ng bnt axle greaee. Why don t jon put yonr axle greaee 
«adahr«.tkfadofapaeka,.f The only way r«e« 
tdl a^e greaae from olemargarine ia to apieadiiw it on 
PMwk* Pa lay. axU giaaar will ^wead. but your al- 
IHWI butter jnet rolla ri^ up and aeta lihe Up aalvai or 
etotmant,andiaonly«ttonaeonaaoi»-" 

At thi. potot the ladle, went out of the ataw to di-uat. 
wMwnt bDjing«vtldBg. and the g«e«y man tooklSd 

«HMah by the ua and w«it up to th. boy and took htoi by 
theneek. "(Wblaet you, I hay. a notion to kill you. Tw 
baTo driTan away more euatom from thia atoie than yoor 

n^r^ ^"^ y* «Jt." ««>>«• itnwk the b,y a«^ 
the baak rith the eodHah. ^^ 

"That'a juit the way with you all," aay. the boy, M he 
put hi. de.T« up to hia ^ and pretended to eiy. ";h^ a 

Wtowi. up fa the world, there i. nothtog too good for hte. 
tat when he geU down, you maul him with a eodflah. Stoee 
Pa drove me out of the honae, and told me to go diirfc for 

mjr lining, I haren't h«l a kmd word from aiH*ody 1^ 
dium'a dog won't eran foUow me, and when a Mlow ml 

r'J"Z-'^7° *»«««<loggoeabaokonhto,thar.i. ..tUv 

^^„5^ *• ^ '~* *" '^ ""^ ••"*«'•- *-• 
jury, and I am too yooog to ait on a jury, thon^ I kMw 



raox's BAD aoT. 



97 



■• of th« dMd bMti that Uqr MODiid tha aowt 
to lit on • iuiy. I am goinff to drown mjrMlf, tad aa 
dMtli wffl bo Uid to TOO. Tlwrr wiU And eridencao of ood- 
flib on nj olotUnc, ud }ron will b« arrwtad for irMag 
BM to • middo'f grkT*. Oood%e. I forgive «m." and 
tht box itartod for tho door. 




THB POUOUIAM TOLD PA TO GO HOlU AND LOOK HIM8BJ' W 



HoM on here," layi the grocery man, feeling that he 
h«d bwn too baiBh. "Come back here, and have some 
'oapU incur. What did your Pa drive you away from 
■•■M farf" 

"0, H waa on aeeonnt of St Patriek'a Day," laid tha bad 



■" THE OROOERT HAN AND 

boy M he bit off lulf a pound of maple tagu, and dried hia 
toMB. "Ton we. Pa never eeee Ma buy a new dlk handker- 
oluef, but he wants H. T'other day Ma got one of th«M 
orange-colored hnadkerchiefs, and Pa immediately had a 
«o« throat and wanted to wear it, and Ma let him put it on. 
I thought I would break him of taking ereiything nioe that 
Ma got, so when he went down town with the orange hand- 
kaektet on hi. neck, I told lome of the St Patrick boy. in 
the Third ward, who had green ribbona on, that the old 
duifer that was putting on style was an orange-man and he 
said he could whip any St. Patrick's Day man in town. 
The feUers laid for Pa, and when he came along one of them 
threw a barrel at Pa, and another pulled the yeUow hand- 
kerchief off his neck, and they aU yeUed 'hang him,' and 
one grabbed a rope that was on the sidewalk where they 
were movmg a buUding, and Pa got up and dusted. You'd 
a dide to see Pa run. He met a policeman and said more'n 
a hundred men had tried to murder him, and thw had 
mauled him, and stolen his yeUow handkerchief. The 
policeman told Pa his life was not safe, and he better go 
home and look himself in, and he did, and I was telling Ma 
about how I got the boys to scare Pa, and he heard it. and 
he told me that settled it He said I had caused him to 
run more foot races than any champion pedeatrian, and 
had made his life unbearable, and now I must go it alone 
Now I want yon to send a couple of pounds of crackers 
over to the house, and have your boy teU the hii«d girl that 
I have gone down to the river to drown myself, and she 

Z^ *1? ^y. "f^'' '^^ **" ^•' ""^ P"*^ •«>" 7^ wiU 
see a bald headed puagy man whooping it up toward the 
nver with a rope. They may think at times that I am a 
Uttle tough, but when it eomee to parting forerw. thtr 
weaken." ' ^ 

"WeU, the teacher at school says yon are a hardened in- 



nOK'S BAD BOT. 29 

iU," Mid th* ■ro*a7 man, u he ohargad the oraoken tr 
*«W«P*- " He M7« he had to tarn yon out to keep TOO 
faoni nuninx the morala of the other Mbo's^t> Ssw warn 
that!" 

"It WM abont ipeakuig a pieoe. W en I asked tun 
what I ihoold ipe^ he told me to learn co.-n'! npeeeh of 
wme great man, some lawyer or itateonan, so I learned 
one of Bob IngerMU's qMeehes. WeU yon'd a dide to see 
the teaeher and the school committee, when I started in on 
Bob IncerK>U'8 lecture, the one that was in the paper 
when Bob was here. Ton see I thooght if a newspaper 
that aU the pions folks takes in their families, could pub- 
lish Ingersoll's speech, it wouldn't do any hurt for a poor 
little Uj who ain't knee hifh to a giraffe, to speak it in 
sohool, bat thjy made me dry up. The teaeher is a re- 
publican, and when Ingersoll was speaking around here on 
politiz, the time of the elaetion, the teacher said Bob was 
the smaitast man this eouBtiy ever produced. I heard him 
say that in a eorcus, when he went bumming around the 
ward ssttin 'em up nights specting to be superintendent of 
schools. He said Bob luRersoll just took the cake, and I 
think it was damed mean in him to go back on Bob and me 
too, jnrt eanae there was no lection. The sehool committee 
made the teacher stop me, and they asked me if I didn't 
know any other piece to speak, and I told them I knew one 
of Beeeher's, and th«y let me go ahead, but it was one of 
Beechar's new ones where he said he didn't believe in any 
hell, and afore I got warmed up they said that was enough 
•f that, and I had to wind up on "Mary had a LitUe 
Umh." Ncae of them didnt kick on Mary's Lamb and I 
went thttni^ it, and th«y let me go home. That's aboat 
the satat thing mioytma speaa in sehool now-dayi, either 
Maiy had a UtOe Umh," n "TwinUs^ Twinkle Little 
8t»." That's don* sp to the average intelleok of the 



aw Tim oaooVT lux ms 

eommittee. But if a bay tries to bruMh oat u a atatcman. 
thqr ehoke Um pfl. Well, I am going down to tlie rivar, 
and I will leave my coat and hat hy the wood yaid, and gtt 
behind the wood, and yon steer Pa down then and yon will 
see some tall weeping over them clothes, and maybe Pa will 
jnmp in after me, and then I will eome out from behind the 
wood and Ihrow in a board for him to swim ashore oa. 
Good-bye. Give my pocket oomb to my chnm," and the boy 
went out and hung np a sign in front of the grocery as fol- 
lowa: 



POP CORN THAT THE OAT HAS SLXPT 

IN, CHEAP FOB 

POP com BALLS FOB SOCIABLES. 



raOKl) BID BOT. 



81 



CHAPTEB VII. 



BIB MA DIOKim BIM. 

"Give me ten cento worth of saflnm, quick," said the bod 
boy to the grocery man, as he came in the grocery on a 
gaUop, early one morning, with no coUar on and no vest 
He looked as thonj* he had been routed out of bed in a 
tarry and had jumped into his panto and booto, and put on 
hu coat and hat on the run. 

'■I don't keep saffron," said the groeeiy man as ho 
p«*ed up a barrel of ai-handles the boy had tipped over 
m bis hnny. "Tou want to go over to the drug store on 
the eomer, if yon want saffron. But what on earth is the 



At ftM point the boy shot out of the door, tipping over 
• basket of white beans, and disappearing in the drug store. 
■^ groeery man got down on his knees on the sidewalk 
and asooped up the beans, oecasionally looking over to the 
drug (tore, and just as he got them picked up, the boy came 
out of the drug store and walked deliberately towards his 
home as though there was no particular hurry. The grooeiy 
man looked after him, took up an ax-handle, spit on his 
hmds, and ahonted to the boy to come over pretty soon, as 
b» wanted to talk with him. The boy did not come to the 
Vomr, m towards ni^t; tat the groeeiy man had seo. 
"" f™""* <lown town a dosen times during the day and 
OBsa he lode np to the house with the doetor, and the gio. 
«r snnirised whrt was the trouble. Along towaitb nigkt 



TBB OBOOaBT MIM AMD 



tka hoy flUM in in • d«j«et«d lort of • tiiad way, Mt down 
oa • barrel of tagu, and new ipoke. 

"'Wliat ia it, a bojr or girlt" laid the grocery man, wink- 
ing at an old lady with a ihawl orer her head, who was 
trying to hold a paper over a piteher of yeaat with her 
thnmb. 

"How in blaze* did yon knoiw anything abont 0,1" laid 
the boy, aa he looked anrand in aitoniahment, and with 
aome indignation. ' ' Well, it '■ a girl, if you mnat know, and 
that's enonj^" and he looked do\m at the cait playing on 
the floor with a potato, his face a pictare of dejeetion. 

"0, don't leel bad abont it," said the grocery man, as he 
opened the door for the old lady. "Such things are bonnd 
to oeeor ; bnt yoo take my word for it, that yonng one is go- 
' ing to have a hard life nnless yon mend yoor ways. Yon 
will be nsing it for a cork to a jng, or to wad a gnn with, 
the lint thing yonr Ma knows." 

"I wouldn't toneh the dam thing with the tongs," said 
the boy as he rallied enon^ to eat some oraekers and 
aheaae "Goah, this clieeae tastes good. I haint had noth- 
ing to eat since morning. I have been Ul over this town 
troIUng for nnrsee. They think a boy hasn't got any feel- 
ings Bnt I wouldn't eare a goldam, if Ma hadnt been 
sending me for nenralgia medioine and hay fever staff all 
winter, when dke wanted to get -.-id of me. I have come into 
the room lots of times when Ma and the sewing girl were at 
woA on some flannel things, and Ma woold hide them in a 
baaket and send me off after medicine. I was deneived np 
to abont four o'eloek this morning, when Pa come to my 
room and polled nw out of bed to go over on the West 
Bide after aome tHi woman tiurt knew Ma, and they have 
kept me whiytping ever sinM. What does a boy want of a 
airter, unless it is a big sister. I dont want no sister that 1 
have got to hold, and rook, and hold a bottle for. Thto 



nOS's BAD BOT. 



33 



iftdp br^ ». .U „p... «,d th« boy picked th« di^m oat 
of hu teeth with a ahver he cut from the counter. 

"Well, how doM your Pa take itf aaked the noceiy 
mM, aa he charged the boy'i Pa with cheeee, and laffnn 
and a number of luoh things. 

"O, Pa wiU pull through. He wanted to boa* the whole 
eoneern until Ma', chum, an old woman that takee ennlf 
flredhm out into the haU. Pa «t there on my handaled. ^ 
perfect picture of deepair, and X thought it would be a 
bodneea to play it on him. I found the oat aileep in the 
brthroom and 1 roUed the cat up in a duwl and brought 
It out to Pa and told him the nurw wanted him to holdft. 
baby. It tsemed to do Pa good to feel that he wa. indi.- 
peniable around the honee, and he took the cat on hia Up 

w J|"t!!^." ^°° *'*' "" ' "«>*»'«• Iwld her infant ' 
Wd; I got in the back haU. where he couldn't me me. and 
pretty ioon the eat began to wake up and eti«toh himwOf 
!!Ilf/f . .. t''-''-*°°tV. 80 to sleep now. «id let ita P^ 
h^ It, uid Pa he rocked back and forth on the hand- 
tied ud began to sing 'by, low, baby.' That setUed it 

and the more the cat wanted to get out of the dil«j, the 
iMrter Pa sung, and bimeby I heard something rip, and Pa 
. •«*. yon brute,' and when 1 looked around the cor- 
ner of the hall the cat was bracing hissetf against Pa's veit 
wift his toe nails, and yowling, and Pa fell over the sled 
Md began to talk about the hereafter like the minister doe. 
wtai he geto excited in church, and then P. picked up the 
ded, and se«med to be looking for me or the cat, but both 
of us was offul scarce. Don't you think there « time, 
when boy. and cats are kind of few around their aeeu^ 
tom^ haunts! Pa d«.'t look a. though he wa. «r, ^ 
brt he ean hold a cat about as weU as the next mim. Brt 
I«a«,ny&rMa. She was just getting re«Jy to goto 



r 



M 



THK OaOOntT UXH AMD 



Florida for her nenndgia, and thia will pnt • ttop to it, 
eauaa ihe haa to itar and take eate of that young one. Pa 
■ajri I will have a nice time thia lammer pushing the bahy 
wagon. By the great horn ipooni, there has got to be a 
dividing line aomewhere between baaineaa and pleanire, 
and I itrike the line at wheeling a bal^. I had rather 
oateh a string of peroh than to wheel all the babies ever 
was. Thfljr needn't pnxmre no baby on my aoeonnt, if it is 
to amuse me. I dont see why babies can't be sawed oil 
onto people that need them in their bnsineas. Onr folks 
dont need a baby any more than yon need a safe, and there 
are people jnst suffering for babies. Say, how wonld it be 
to take the b>iby some nigbt and leave it on some old 
baehelor's door-stop f If it had been a bicycle, or a breeoh- 
loading shotgnn, I.woaldn't have oared, but a baby I Bah I 
It makes me tired. I'd rather have a prise package. Well, 
I am sorry Pa allowed me to come home after he drove me 
away last week. I gneas all he wanted me to come back 
for was to homiliate me, and send me on errands. Well, I 
mnst go and see if he and the eat have made up." 

And the boy went ont and put a paper sign in front of 
the atora: 



LEAVB TOUR MBASUBS FOB 
8AFPB0N TBA. 



naxli Bis Bor. 



86 



CHAPTBE Vin. 



VBX BABY AlfD THB OOAT. 

"Well, how i. the babyt" wked the grocery man of the 
bad b<^ «a he came into the grocery smelling very 

howey and ut down on the chair with the back gone, 
and looked very tired. 

"0, darn the baby. Everybody asks me about the baby 
a. though jt was mine. I don't pay no attention to the 
dam thing, except to notice the fooliahnei. going on around 
the houae. Say, I guess that baby will grow up to be a fire 
^gme. The nurse coupled the baby onto a section of rub- 
ber hose that runs down into a botUe of milk, and it benn 
to get up steam, and pretty soon the milk began todis- 
appear just like the wator does when a fire engine couples 
on tea hydrant Pa calls the baby 'Old Number Two ' I 
am Number One,' and if Pa had a hook and ladder truck 
and a hose cart, and a fire gong he would imagine he was 
chief engmeer of the fire department. But the baby kicks 

fl^ ^'^ °^' "^ ^°^^ ^^ a dog that's got 
lost. The doctor told Pa the best thing he could do was to 
g«t a goat but Pa said since we 'nidiiated him into the 
M^ns with tl« goat he wouldn't have a goat around nohow. 
The doc^ told Pa the other kind of a goat. I think it was a 
Samantha goat he said, wouldn't kick with its head, and 
Pa «mt me up wto the Polack settlement to see if I coiUdn't 
boiTow a milk gv>at for a few weeks. I got a woman to lend 
« her goat tiU the baby got big enough to chew beef, foTa 
dollar . week, and paid a doll«- in advwice, and Pa went up 



TBI OBOOBBT MAN AMD 



in the tveaine to hdp m* frt the goat Wdl, H was the 
darndeat murtske yon erer im Then wm two goati lo 
near alike yon eoold not tell whieh waa the goat we leaaed, 
and the other goat waa the^ohnm of our goat, bat it be- 
longed to an Irish woman. We got a bed oord hitched 
anrand the Irish goat, and that goat didn't reoogniie the 
lease, and when we tried to jerk it along it rared right up, 
and made things real quick for Pa. I don't know what 
there is about a goat that makes it so q>iink}r, bat that goat 
seemed to have a grudge aftainst Pa from the flnt If 
there were any places on Pa'« manly fewm that the goat did 
not explore, with his head, Pa don't know where the plaoei) 
are. O, it lammed him, and when I laifed Pa got mad. 1 
told him every man ought to famish his own goats, lAen 
he had a baby, and,I let go the rope aid started off, and Pa 
said he knew how it was, I wanted him to get killed. It 
wasn't that, but I saw the Irish woman ^t owned the goat 
ooming around the comer of the honse with a oistera pole. 
Just as Pa was getting the goat out of the gate the goat got 
orossways of the gate, and Pa yanked, and doubled the goat 
right up, and I thought he had broke the goat's neck, and 
the woman thought so too, for she jabMd Pa with the cis- 
tern pole just below the belt, and she tried to get a hold on 
Pa's hair, but he had her there. No woman can get the 
advantage of Pa that way, cause Ma has tried it. Well, Pa 
explained it to the woman, and she let Pa off if he would 
pay her two dollars for damages to her goat, and he paid it, 
and then we took the nanny goat, and it went ri^t along 
with us. But I have my opinion of a baby that will drink 
goat's milk. Qosh, it is like this staff that eomes in a 
spoiled cocoanut The baby han't done anything but blat 
siaee the nurse coupled it onto the gnat hydrant I had to 
take all my playthings out of the bssement to keep the goat 
from eating them. I guess the milk will taste of powdar 



"ck'b bad bot. 



87 



■nd rfn«.d h.» BOW. Th, goat got to ea-ng wme Bonun 
Tf^ "!,fv '^'^^^ Wd awajr m the coal bin 
«d ehawed them around the furnace, and the powd« 
l«^ed out and a coal fell out of the fa.^.ce on the Wh 
«d yoa'd a did. to ». P. and the hired girl and the ^1' 
iTJTJl,'^^ °^* '"'*^« ^"t « "•"'' ""K"". a-d he 

£ SL^iTk *" """"^ ?* ^'*' '^'^ *^^ '*" J-^ "»"*• 
mg wound aw baaement for th. goat with a tin cup, when 

S frts^r* "*• ^•"' *"" '« »«^ <" «^^°. "^ 

r^ and blue Ae. and .piUed powder blazed up. and the 
goat jurt looked aatoniriwd, and looked on aa though it was 

^■^r* *r^ "^' ""^ 'PO''^' ""t when'iti ha^ 
P^d il.^TJ?"'-'^!'^"' "" "~'* "'I "^"t between 

hi^^^ ' '"" ' ""^ '^"'" '°*° t"" <=<"«' "in, and the 

1 h^ ttetlir^''.""" '"-^ <"'^'^'* "^^ •* down. 
D«r^n^ i!^*"° ""^ "»* -Jo^ «d took Pa by the 
w™M ""^ ^ ""* "' '^ <""J ' "- «"d he said he 
would «OTender and plead guilty of being the biggeet f J 

l?^:^1r- I "^^ *^ '^'"^« wood o« ^ti^ 
gM, "d then «hj^ mad, and said she would milk^ 

g^tordie. O.tU girl ha. got sand. She used to woA 
ma gto. factory. Well, rir, it was a sight worth tv^S 
SiSf^^ to «. that hired girl get up on a step ladder 
t^yTf '^^' *"* '^'^' ^a P» "tting on 
^i^«^ '^*°*'''"'*«*^*^*- Tl^y are going to fix 
LS!^^**'«**^«°»*"''>^«ffthefum«e 1^ 

ofpowd* andbunrt hair, the milk was too warm oT^ 
m^^r ^•'"«80t to grow a new lot of h^ 
WttBobldgort. Wdl. they can run the baby «.dg^ 



TBI auoamer ium im 



to MiH thMBMlTM, 'eniM I hsT* mi.';Md. I Iwt* gen* 
into bwiiiMi. Don't joa imall anTtUne that wonld lead 
yoD to larmiM that I had gone into boiineMt No drag 
■ton thii time," and the ixsy got np and pot hii thnmbi 
in the armholea of his veat, and looked proud. 

"O, I dont know m I imell anjthing except the faint 
odor of a hone blanket What yon vone into anjrwayt" 
and the grocery man put the wrapping paper nnder the 
counter, and pnt the red chalk in hia pocket, lo the boy 
oonldn't write any eign to hang up ontride. 

' ' Yon hit it the flnt time. I haye accepted a eitnation of 
teller in a liveiy atable," said the boy, aa he searehed 
aronnd for the bami of out ingar, whieh had been re- 
moved. 

"Teller in a liveiy stable! Well, timt is a new one on 
me. What is a teller in a liTeiy ■Utbl':?'' and the grooeiy 
man looked pleased, and pointed the bqy to a baml of 
seven cent sugar. 

"Don't yon know what a teller is in a liveiy stablef It 
is the same as teller in a bank. I have to grease the har- 
ness, oil the bnggies, and cony off the horses, and when a 
man comes in to hin a horae I have to go down to the saloon 
and tell the liveiy man. That's what a teller is. I like the 
teller part of it; bnt greasing hanyss is a little too rich for 
my blood, bat tiie liveiy man says if I stick to it I will be 
governor some day, 'cause most all the great men have 
begnn life taking can of horses. It all depends on my girl 
whether I stick or not If she likes the smell of horses I 
shall be a statesman, bat it she objects to it and sticks np 
her nose, I shall not yearn to be governor, at the expense 
of my girL It beats all, dont it, that wimmJn settle every 
great fosation. Evwybody does eveiything to please wim- 
min, and if fhey Uek on anything that settles it But I 
most go and ampin that game between Pa and the hired 



rmx'a bid bot. 8| 

>iri and tha ffMt 817, oant 700 «oiim otw and Mt th* 
twiqrt Taint biow than a maU ladMl," and the bo/ 
waited till the groeofy man went to draw aome vinegar, 
when he clipped oat and put up a lign written on a shinde 
with white chalk: 



YELLOW BAND WANTED 

roB 

MAPLE 8U0AB. 



40 



TRB OtOOBtT MAN AND 



CHAPTER IX. 



A FUMBBAl, PMOnaiON. 






"W*U, gTMt Jalioa CaeMir'i btld-hMded c^uMt, whmt'i 
the mstter with yont" laici the grocery man to the bad boy, 
ai he oame into the grocery on emtohea, with one arm in a 
•line, one aye blackened, and a itrip of oonrt plaater aoroia 
hia face. "Where waa the exploaion, or have yon been in a 
flgfat, or has yonr Pa been giving yon what yon deaerre, 
with a dnbt Here, let me help yon; there, sit down on 
that keg of apple-jack. Well, by the great gnni, yon look 
' as thon^ yon had called somebody a liar. What's the 
matter!" and the grocery man took the emtehea and stood 
them np against the showcase. 

"0, there's not mnch the matter with me," said the boy 
in a voice that sounded all broke np, as he took a big apple 
off a basket and began peeling it with his opper front teeth, 
"If you think I'm a wreck, yon ought to see the minister; 
they had to carry him home in installments, the way they 
buy sewing machines. I am all right, but they have got to 
stop him up with oakum and tar, before he will hold water 
again." 

"Good graeious, yon have not had a flgjit with the min- 
ister, have yont Well, I have said all the time, and I stiek 
to it, that yon would commit a crime yet, and go to state's 
prison. What waa the fuss abontt" and the grocery man 
laid the hatchet ont of the boy's reach for fear he mold 
get excited and kill him. 



'0, it wu no fnas, it was in the way of 



Tot 



nox's BAD MT. 



41 



tm tht Uvmy nmn that I wm working for promoted m«. 
Ho lot mo driro a horM to h«nl Mwdut for bedding flnt, 
•nd whm he fonnd I wM.roal oarefnl ho lot me driTo an 
oiprMi wagon to hanl tronki. Day before yeoterdajr, I 
tUnk it waa— yea, I wm in bed all day yeatorday— day be- 
fore yeaterday there waa a foneral, and oar stable fnr- 
niahed the oatSt It waa only a oommon, eleren dollar fun- 
eral, io they let me go to drive the horee for the miniiter^ 
yon know, the boggy that goes ahead of the heane. They 
gave me an old horse that is thirty years old, that has not 
been off a walk sinoe nin« years ago, and they told me to 
giro him a loose rein, and he would go along all right It's 
the same old hone that used to pace so fast on the avenue, 
years ago, but I didn't know it. Well, I wasn't to blame. 
I just let him walk along as thou^ he was hauling sawdust 
and gave him a loose rein. When we got off the pavement, 
the fellow that drives the hearse, he was in a hurry, 'cause 
his folka waa going to have ducks for dinner, and he wanted 
to get baek, ao he kept driving alongside of my buggy, and 
telling me to huny up. I wouldn't do it 'cause the livery 
man told me to walk the horse. Then the minister, he got 
nervous, and said he didn't know as there was any use of 
going so slow, because he wanted to get back in time to get 
his lunch and go to a minister's meeting in the afternoon, 
but I told him we would all get to the cemetery soon enough 
if we tock it eool, and as for me I wasnt in no sweat Then 
one of the drivers that was driving the moamers, he came 
up and said he had to get back in time to run a wedding 
down to the one o'clock train, and for me to pull out a lit- 
tle. I have seen enon^ of disobeying orders, and I told 
him a foneral in the hand was worth two weddings in the 
bush, and, as far as I was concerned, this funeral was going 
to be conducted in a decorous manner, if we didnt get back 



42 



TBI OBOOIBT ItUr AXO 



till the next daj. WeU, the minuter wid, in hii regnlar 
Sunday echool way, 'My little man, let me take bold of the 
lines,' and like a damed fool I grave them to him. He 
slapped the old horse on the crupper with the lines, and 
then jerked up, and the old horse stuck up hia ofT ear, and 
then the hearse driver told the minister to pull hard and 
saw on the bit a little, and the old horse would wake up. 
The hearse driver used to drive the old pacer on the track, 
and he knew what he wanted. The minister took off hia 
black kid gloves and put his umbrella down between na, 
and pulled his hat down tight on hia head, and began to . 
pull and saw on the bit. The old cripple began to move 
along sort of sideways, like a hog going to war, and the 
minister pulled some m6re, and the hearse driver, who was 
behind, he said, so you could hear him clear to Wankeaha, 
'^e-e-up,' and the old horse kept going faster; then the 
miniater thonght the proeession was getting too qniek, and 
he pulled harder, and yelled 'who-a,' and that made the 
old horse worse, and I looked through the Uttle window in 
the buggy top, behind, and the heuie was about two Ueeki 
behind, and the driver was laughing, and the minister he 
got pale and said, 'my little man, I gueas you'd bsttjr 
drive,' and I said, 'Not much, Maiy Ann; yon wouldn't let 
me run this funeral the way I wanted to, and now you can 
boaa it, if you will let me get out,' but there was a street 
car ahead, and all of a sudden there was an earthquake, 
and when I come to there were about six hundred people 
pouring water down my neck, and the hearse was hitehed 
to the fence, and the hearse driver waa asking if my leg 
was broke, and a policeman waa fanning the minister with 
a plug hat that looked as though it had been atmck by a 
pile driver, and some people were hauling onr buggy into 
the gutter, and some men were trying to take old pacer ont 



raoK'a un bot. 



of the window! of the street oar, and then I gneH I fainted 
away again. O, it waa wwse than telemoping a train 
loaded with cattle." 

"Well, I Bwan," said the grocery man aa he put iome 
^ in a funnel shaped brown paper for a servant girl 
"What did the minister say when he come tof " 

"Sayl What could he say f He just yelled 'whoa,' and 
kept sawing with his hands, as though he was driving. I 
heard that the police." an waa going to pull him for fast 
driving, till he found it was an accident. They told me, 
when they carried me home in a hack, that it waa a wonde^ 
everybody was not killed, and when I got home Pa was 
going to saas me, until the hearse driver told him it was 
the minister that waa to blame. I want to find out if they 
got the minister's umbreUa back. The last I see of it the 
umbrella was running up his trouser's leg, and the point 
came out by the smaU of his back. But I am all right, 
only my shoulder sprained, and my legs bruised, and my 
eye Mack. I will be aU right, and shdl go to work to- 
morrow, 'osuae the livery man says I was the only one in 
the crowd that had any sense. I understand the minister 
is going to take a vacation on account of hia liver and 
nervous proatration. I would if I was him. I never saw a 
man that had nervous prostration any more than he did 
when they flahed him out of the barbed wire fence after 
we struck the street car. But that settles the minkter busi- 
ness with me. I don't drive for no more preachers. What 
I want is a quiet party that wants to go on a walk," and 
the boy got up and hopped on one foot toward his cmtehes, 
filing his pistol pocket with flga aa he iiobbled along. 

"Well, air," said the grocery man, aa he took a chew of 
tobacco out of a pail, and offered aome to the b<7, knowing 
ttat was the only thing in the store the boy wonld'not take, 
"Do you know I think some of these minhtan hare aboat 



44 



THI OaOOnT MAK iin> 



M little MDM on woridly nutttera as anybodyt Now, the 
idea of that man jerking on an old paoer. It dont make 
any diitennce if the paeer wai a hnndred yean old, he 
would paee it he waa jerked on." 

"Ton bet," aaid the boy, as he pnt his enitehes under his 
arms, and started for the door. "Aminister may besonnd 
on the atonement, but he don't want to saw on an old paeer. 
He may have the sabjeet of infant baptism down finer than 
a eambrie needle, bat if he has ever been to oollege, he 
oncht to have learned enough not to say 'yt^p' to an old 
pacer that has been the boss of the road in his time. A 
minister may be endowed with sublime power to draw sin- 
ners to repentance, and make them feel like getting np and 
dusting for the beautiful beyond, and cause them, by his 
eloqnence, to see angels bright and fair in their dreams^ and 
chariots of Are flying through the pearly gates and down 
the golden streets of New Jerusalem, but he wants to tnm 
out for a street car all the same, when he is driving a 2.20 
pacer. The next time I drive a minister to a funeral, he 
will walk," and the boy hobbled out and hung out a sign 
in front of the grooety : 



SMOKED DOQ FISH AT HALIBUT 

PRICES, GOOD ENOVOH 

FOB COMPANT. 



nOX'B BAD BOT. 



45 



CHAPTEB X. 



THI OLD MAN MASK A 8FBI0H. 

"There, you drop that," said the grocery man to the bad 
bqr, ai he came limping into the store and begin to fumble 
annmd a box of strawberries. "I have never kicked at 
year eating my codfish, and crackers and cheese, and her- 
ring, and apples, but there has got to be a dividing line 
somewhere, and I make it at strawberries at six shillings a 
hex, and only two layers in a box. I only bought one box, 
hoping some plumber or gas man would eome along and 
boy it, and by gum, everybody that has been in the store 
has sampled a strawberry out of that box, shivered as 
tiiou^ it was sour, and gone off without asking the price," 
and the groeery man looked mad, took a hatchet and 
knocked in the head of a barrel of apples, and said :" There, 
help yourself to dried apples." 

"0, I don't want your strawberries or dried apples," 
said the boy, as he leaned against a show ease and UxAed 
at a bar of red, transparent soap. "I was only trying to 
fool yon. Say, that bar of soap is old enough to vote. I 
remember seeing it in your showcase when I was about a 
year old, and Pa came in here with me and held me up to 
the show case to look at that tin tobaceo box, and that 
round sine looking.<laaB, and th« yeUow woodui pocket 
comb, and the soap locfa just the same, only a UtUe faded. 
If you would wash yonnelf onee in a while your soap 
wonldnt dry up on your hands," and the b^y sat down on 



TBI OBOOBT HAN IMD 



the duir witlumt uy back, feeling tlut he waa ttm witk 
the grooeiy man. 

"Ton nerer mind the soap. It ii paid for, and that ia 
more than your father can say abont the soap that haa been 
need in hia hoose the paat month," said the grooeiy man, as 
he q>lit up a box to kindle the flre. ' ' Bnt we won 't qnarrel. 
What waa it I heard abont a band serenading yonr father, 
and hia inviting them in to Innehf " 

"Don't let that get out or Ps will kill me dead. It was 
a joke. One of those Bohemian bands that goes abont town 
playing tones for pennies was over on the next street, and 
I told Pa I guessed some o) his friends who had heard we 
had a bafay at the hoos^ liad hired a band and was coming 
in a few minntes to serenade him, and he better prepare 
to make a speech. Pa is proud of being a father at his age, 
and he thought it no more than right for the neighbors to 
serenade him, and he went to loading himself for a speech, 
in the libraiy, and me and my chum went out and told the 
leader of the band there waa a family up there that wanted 
to have some mnsie, and th«y didn't care for expense, so 
th^y quit blowing where they was and came right along. 
None of tham could understand English except the leader, 
and he only understood enough to go and take a drink 
when he is invited. My chum steered the band up to our 
honse and got them to play 'Babies on our Block,' and 
'Baby Mine,' and I stopped all the men who were going 
home and told them to wait a minute and they would see 
some fun; so when the band got through the second tune, 
•nd the Prussians were emptying the beer out of the horns, 
and Pa stepped (iht on the porch, there was more nor a 
hundred people in front of the house. You'd a dide to'see 
Pa, when he put his hand in the breast of his ooat, and 
stnuk an attitude. He looked like a congressman, or a 
tramp. The band wis seared, cause Quy thought he was 



fbok'b bad bot. 



47 



m«d, and lome of them were going to mn, thinking he wu 
gouig to throw pieces of brick house at them, but my chum 
uid th« eader kept them. Then Pa sailed in. He com- 
menced, Fellow Citizens,' and then went away back to 
Adam and Eve, and worked up to the present day, giving 
• hwtoiy of the notable people who had acquired children, 
and kept the crowd interested. I felt soriy for Pa, cause 
I taew how he would feel when he came to find out haw he 
had been sold. The Bohemians in the band that couldn't 
understand English, they looked at each other, and won- 
dered what rt was all about, and finally Pa wound up by 
stating that rt was every citizen's duty to own children of 
Ins own. and then he invited the band and the crowd in to 
take some refreshments. WeU, you ought to have seen that 
band oome in the house. They feU over each other getting 
in, and the crowd went home, leaving Pa and my chum and 
mewidtteband. Batt WeU, I should smUe. They just 
reached for things and talked Bohemian. Drink » O no 
I gue« tiiey didn't pour it down. Pa opened a dozen'bot^ 
ties of diampagne, and they fairly bathed in it, as though 
tti^had a fire inside. Pa tried to talk with them about the 
baby, but they couldn't understand, and finally they got 
i 1 and start«l out, and the leader asked Pa for three 
doliars, and that broke him. Pa told the leader he suppowtd 
the gentlemen who had got up the serenade had paid for 
the music, and the leader pointed to me and said I was 
the genUeman that got it up. Pa paid him, but he had a 
incked look in his eye, and me and my chum lit out, and 
the Bohemians came down the street bilin' full, with their 
hora. on their arms, and they were talkrhg Bohemian for 
•U •« was out They stopped in front of a vacant hooMi. 
•nd begui to pUy; but y^ couldn't toU what tune it was, 
ttv were so full, and a policeman came along and drove 
ttem faoma. I gneas I will deep at the livwy stelda to- 



\ 



48 



THB OBOCBT MAM AXO 



ni^t, SMiM Pa it w offnl nnraMonaUe iA« aajthJat 
eiNta liim thiw dolUn btndM the ehmnpaciM." 

"Wdl, yoa havt niMla a pNtly hmm of U," Mid tlu 
^gTO0«7 man. "It'i a wondar jmu Pa doaa not kill yon. 
But what is it I liaar aboat tbe tronUa at tlw drandtT 
Thqr lajr that fooIiahiMM to yoa." 

"It's all a lie. Th«j laj aroiTthiiig to me. Itwaaaama 
of th«Bi dneka that iinK in the ehrir. I waa jnat at mndi 
aupiiwd aa anybody when it oeeorred. Ton laa onr minia- 
ter ia laid np from the efleota of the ride to the fonaral, 
when he tried to ran oTer a atreet oar; and an old deaoon 
who had aymptoma of being a miniater in hia youth, waa 
invited to take the minialer'a plaee, and talk a little. He 
ia an abaent-minded old party, who dont keep np with the 
evanta of the day, and who ever played it on him knew that 
he waa too piona to even read the daily papera. There waa 
a notioe of a ehoir meeting to be read, and I think the tenor 
amng^ed in the other notice between that and the (me 
abont the weekly prayer meeting. Anyway, it waant me, 
bat it like to broke np the meeting. After the deacon read 
the ehoir notioe he took «p the other oa« and read, 'I am 
leqaeatad to annoonee that the T. M. C. Aaiooiation will 
give a friendly entertainirwt with loft glovea, on Tneaday 
evening to whieh all are invited. Brother John Snllivan, 
the eminent Boaton revivaliat, will lead the ezereiaet, aa- 
dated by Brother Slade, the Maori miationary from Aaa- 
tialia. There will be no ahigging, bat a oolleetion will be 
taken np at the door to defray expauea.' Well, I thooi^ 
tha people in dmreh woald tink through the floor. There 
waa not a peraon &i the ehareh except the poor old deaeoo 
bnt who nnderatood thnt aome wieked wretch had deeeived 
^ilm, and I know by the way the tenor tickled the aoprano 
that ha did it I may be mean, bat r verything I do k inno- 
oant, and I woaldnt be aa mean aa a ehoir aingar far two 



FMK'b SAIi BOT. 4g 

*Jllw. I felt real MR7 for the old deMon. bat h* new 
«iww what he had done, and I think it would be real mean 
totdlhim. He won't be at the .lugging mMch. That re- 
mmtt about taking up a ooUection settled the deaoon. 1 
mnrt go down to the itable now and help grease a haek so 

^^ T^j!*^' *° "'"" ""• " P» «<»»« Jiew lookiJW for 
ne. tellhm you heard I was going to drive a pionie party 
«mt to Waukesha, and may not be back in a week. By that 
tune Pa will have got over that Bohemian^ 8erenad^" 
and the boy filled his pistol pocket with dried applee, and 
went out and hung a sign in front of the groeeiy : 

STBAWBXSBIE8. TWO SBILLIN08 

A aUELL, 

AND ONS SMELL IS ENOVOE. 



so 



TBI aaOOBCt KAN AMD 



OHAFTEB XI. 



OABonnNO miDiB oimoDL.iaB. 



Sbi here, yon coon, yon get ont of here," aaid the gro- 
ceTy man to the ba4 boy, as he came in the Mora with hii 
taoe blaek and ihining, "I don't want any colored boy« 
aronnd here. White boys break me up bad enough." 

"0. philopena," laid the bad boy, as he pnt his hands 
on his knees and langhed so the candy jars rattled on the 
shelyea. "Ton didn't know me. I am the same boy that 
comes in here and talks your arm off," and the boy 
opened the cheese bos and out off a piece of cheeee so 
natnral that the grocery man had no difficulty in recog- 
rl iipg him. 

"What in the nanu of the seven sleeping sisters have 
yon got on yonr hands and face," said the grocery man, 
as he took the boy by the ear and tamed him aronnd. 
"Yoa would pass in a colored prayer me^dng, and no one 
woold think yon were galvanized. What you got np in 
such an outlandish rig fort" 

"Well, 111 tell yon, if you will keep watch at the door. 
If yon see a bald-headed colored man coming along the 
street with a club, you whistle, and I will fall down cellar. 
The bald-headed colored man will be Pa. Ton see, we 
moved yesterday. Pa told ma to get a vacation from the 
liveiy stable, and we would have fun moving. But I don't 
want any more fun. I know when I have got enouj^ fun. 
Pa earned all the light things, and when it came to lifting, 
he kid a eriak in the bask. Qoah, I ne^r was so tired as 



noKli SAO Bor. 



n 



I WM lut nifjit, uid I hope we hay* got MtUad, «bW 
•ome of the goods haven 't tamed up yet A dnjn*a took 
one load over on the West Side, and deUvered them to a 
honae ttat aeemed to be expecting a load of honaehold farm, 
tnre. He thought it waa all right, if everybody that waa 
moving got a load of goods. WeU, after we got moved. Pa 
aaid we must make a garden, and we said we wotUd go out 
1^ spade np the ground and sow peas, and radishes, and 
beets. There was some neighbors Uved in the next house 
to our new one, that was all wimmen, and Pa don't like to 
have them think he had to work, so he said it would be a 
good joke to disguise ourselves as tramps, and the neigh- 
bors would think we had hired some tramps to dig in the 
BMdea I told Pa of a boss scheme to fool them. I sng- 
gerted that we take some of his shoe blacking that is put 
on wrth a sponge, and black our faces, and the neidiboia 
would think we had hired an old colored man and his boy 
to work in the garden. Pa said it was immema, and he 
told me to go and black up, and if it worked, he would 
black hisself. So I went and put this burnt cork on my 
race, cause it would wash off, and Pa looked at me and 
said It was wack, and for me to fix him up, too. So I got 
the bottle of shoe blacking and painted Pa so he looked 
like a colored coal heaver. Actually, when Ma saw him 
she ordered him off the premises, and when he laffed at 
ner and acted sasqy, she was goirg to throw biling water 
on i-a. But I told her the scheme, and she let up on Pa 
ri, 'i^" , 1^^' to see us out in the garden. Pa looked 
Wie Uncle Tom, and 1 looked like Topsy, only I ain't that 
kmd of a colored person. We worked tiU a boy throwed 
some tomato cans over the all^ fence and hit me, and I 
pued over the fence after him and left Pa. It was mv 
Anm. Md when I had caught him we put up a job to grt 
P«taehasena.. We thnnred awne mo« eans, and Pa eanw 



62 TBI OTOOBT MIN AMD 

tat tnd ay ehnm lUrUd ud I after him, and Pa after 
both of HI. He ehaaed ni two Uoeki and thm w« got 
bdiind a poUoeman, and my ahum told the poUeeiBan it 
wu a oraqr old oolorod man that wantod to kidnap oi, and 
the polieeman took Pa by the neek and wai going to elnb 




THI FOUOBlUll TOOK PA BT TBM ^"^OK. 

him, bnt Pa gaid he woold go home and beliaTe. He waa 
oflnl mad, and he vent home, and we looked tliroagh the 
fenea and Pa wat faying to waih off the Uaoking. Ton 
see that blacking wont wadi off. Ton have.to wear it off. 
Pa would waab hii face with aoap andi, and then look in 



nOK'a BAD MT. 



n 



««»• If I WMh«l it off p. would know there h«] been 
J«Be BDOu^ «n,ewh«,. I «ked the Aoe rtor. m.n 
iKm long rt would Uke the blMking to wear off, and he 
«.d nought to w«jr off in, week. 1 gnee. Pa ;o„'t Jo 
^ h^^ ^1 • '»^«" «* ^ i» the night. I am going to 
SltT# ? T «?»«*"«»• """"try fUhing, till mine 
wean off, and when I get out of town I wiU wa*h up. Sar 
you don't ftmk a litUe blacking hurt, a man', comJleiSL' 
do yoQ^ and you don't think a man ought to get mad be- 
MB* it won't wadi off, do youf" S" ™a oe 

"O. probably it don't hurt the complexion," said the 

wutri lettuce, lo it would look fresh while the hired girl 

r^^T"^*' """* '^ '* " ™«''ty unpleaM.it, where 
a man haa got an engagement to go to a card paity aa I 
taow your Pa ha. to-night A. to getting maS atokt it, 
If I wa. your Pa I would take a barrel rtave and Aatte^ 
ywBreartle wandalou.. What kind of a fate do you think 
4wait. you when you die, anyway t" 

£L L ^i '°. °* ^^^'^^ '^th -U "V -ii- on my 

bTa'n^!^ , *** '"' °^ '*»' ' *o»l<» P'obably 

De a wdfl^bor to you, way down below, and they would 

«m me a ^b a. fliwnan, and I Aonld feel bad for yon 

WWT fame I chucked in another chunk of brimrtone, and 

ttonght of you tnnng to .wim dog-fadiion in the lake of 

toe a^d rtrammg your v« to find an iceberg that you 

*«2*« "taw w I WiU haT. time to rq,«,t and U «t< 
* ■■■ ba toartad bi«wn. That', what the minirtar t^n 



■ad thqr wonldat jMgr him two thnwuid doUan • jwr 
tnd (ire Ua • TMStkni to toll uqrthing that wm not m. 
I tell 70a it i« painful to think of that plaee that n many 
pnttjr fair aTwa^e people here are going to when they 
die. Jnrt think of it, a man that iwean once, if he don't 
hedge, and take it back, will go to the bad place. If a per- 
ton iteale a pin, jut a nnall, no aooonnt pin, he ia aa bad 
aa if he itole all there was in a bank, and he itande the 
beet ehanee of going to the bad plaee. Ton see, if a fellow 
•teala a little thing like a pin, he forgeU to repent, canae 
it don't Mem to be worth while to make ao mneh fmn 
abont. Bat if a fellow robe a bank, or iteala a whole lot 
of money from orphana, he knowi it it a mij^ty teriont 
matter, and he gett in hit work repenting, too quick, and 
he it liable to get to the good plaee, while yon, who have 
only stole a few potatoes out of a bnihel that yon told to 
the orphan ai(ylum, will forget to repent, and yon will 
tinle. I tell you, the more I read abont being good, and 
going to heayen, the more I think a fellow ean't be too 
careful, and from this out you won't And a better hoy than 
I am. When I come in here after thia and take a few dried 
peaohet or crackert and cheete, you eharge it rigjit up to 
Pa, and then I won't haro it on my mind and have to 
antwer for it at the great judgment day. I am going to 
thake my chum, caute he ehewi tobaeoo, which it wicked, 
though I dont tee how that can be, when the miniator 
tmokee, but I want to be on the tafe tide. I am going to 
be good or butt a tntpender, and hereafter yon can point 
to me at the boy who hat teen the folly of an ill-q>ent life, 
and if there it tueh a thing at a fif U.on-yaar-old bey, who 
hat been a terror, getting to heaven, I am the hairpin. I 
tell you, when I liaten to the miniiter tell abont the angela 
flying aronnd ftere, and I see pietorea of tiiem putter 
than any giri in thia town, with ehnhby ant wiik «a. 



nOKt BAD Bor. 15 

plM in the dhamt andihoalden, and lone goldmi h«ir, and 
think of myuii here cleaning off honee in a livery stable 
and amellincr like an^dhameea, it makv me tired, and I 
wonldntmiee going there for ten dollar! Say, yon would 
make a healthy angel, for a back atreet of the new Jem- 
ialem, but you would give the whole crowd away unleea 
you wadied up, and lent that ahirt to the Chineee laundry. 
Tee, air, hereafter yon will find me ai good u I know how 
to be. Now I am going to wash up and go and help the 
miniiter move." 

Aa the boy went out the grocery man sat for several 
minutes thinking of the change that had come over the 
bad boy, and wondered what had bronght it about, and 
then he went to the door to watch him as he wended his 
way aerosB the street, with his head down, as though in 
deep thought, and the grocery man said to himself, "that 
boy U not aa bad as some people think he is," and then he 
looked around and saw a sign hanging up in front of the 
"tore, written on a piece of box cover, with a blue pencil :— 

SPOILXD 

OAJfNED HAM AJfD TONOVE 

GOOD ENOUGH 

FOB CBVBCH piomca. 

and he looked after the boy, who was slipping down an 
alley, and said: "The condemn Uttle ?rtielp. Wait tiU I 
catohhim." 

•l!l ijii'.fil Jiiiit 

;.tii .•<>•. iltl.t -ijii 

•'.„! .iKW 

'_' ^ ■'' '" ' ' ■ ',1' .rt/i-iflii^Kif 

"''"'■'■' ;in& •"!< r( I I'Ofi .(■.tinipiior) •iviii* 

rjiHfh -iiv.!; ; -:ifl A, U;d-ii ', : ■, .,!t -i; ;; h.in»- !-^-. I 



S6 



TRB OROOBtT MAN AMD 



CHAPTBE Xn. 

THB 0U> ICAN SHOOTB TH» MUngnB. 

11*"^^' ^ *""*«** y^ ''■» «0"W to fay to lead a different 
Me, said the grocery man to the bad boy, a« the youth 
eame in with his poekets fnl) of angle wonna, and wsnted 
to borrow a baUng^wder can to put them into, iriiile he 
went flahing, and he held i^ long angle worn up by the 
twl and let it wiggle so he frightened a girl that had oome 
IP after two cents' worth of yeast, so she dropped her 
piteher and went out of the grocery as thongh she was 
ehMed l^ an anaoonda. 

"1 am going to lead a different Ufe; but a b^y eanH 
diange his whole coarse of life in a minnto. can het 
Grown persons haw to go on probation for six months 
beftre th«y can lead a different life, and half the time 
thry lose thdr end before the six months expire, and have 
to eonunence again. When it is so aU flrod hard for a man 
that IS endowed with sense to break off being bad, yon 
shouldn't expect too much from a boy. But I am doing 
as weU aa could be expected— I ain't half as bad as I wasl 
Ooah, why dont you bum a ragt That yeast that the girl 
spilled on the floor smells like it was sick. I should think 
Oat bread that was raised with that yeast wooH smdl 
like this eooUng batter yon sell to hired giris." 

"WeU, never yon mind the cooking butter. I knew ny 
bnalM-. If people want to use peer bntt« wkaa tkm 
half eempany, and then blow up the grocer beleN fci% 
I MIX stuid it if th«y can. But what i^^this I hear about 



'■OK^ BAD BOY. 



87 



rm^ P» aihtJii, , dnel with the miidrt« in your bwk 
TM* Mid wjmding Idn. in the leg. .nd then trying to 
J^STh"*^"^^' OneofyoornewSLn 
ta th. «r • yonr hon» I.rt night, «.d thv «e going . 

'^.^."•l? •**»» »x»tto'n of the whole bnLH«r' 
thJh:Jl,' ^' ^^ Ue, Md tho«. neighbor. wiU find 
Uu^hettor taep rtU .bout n^ or we will He about them 
2J^ ."^ "^ »•• 8°t fl«t bJ«cWi.ir on hi. fwe he 

taTitedm. tow friend, to .pend the e^wring. M. hw got 
up «o«nd. «id tta b.by i. . i^, '^^ ^auZTl 

SfZiT^ "'^r^*^" ««»*'• »^ M. invited 

w«t np into Pa', hbrwy to talk. O, yon think I «n bad 

dont yon. bnt of the nine num at onr hon« lart nigh? i 

iTT^T* .1 ««* into the bathroom to nntongle my^ 
toe^and it a nertto P.'. room, and I oouWiea, ^ 
S^ ««d. bat I w«it away 'ean*. I thoughT^ 
WBTWMtion wonW hurt my moral.. Th«y would Trteal 
'HtothvwM.b.^tatdamedifleTerrtole. Pa hai 
-W«o«r a hundred W5p,n load, of watormelon.. «.. 

•Mm, and run, and another nwd to rteal egg^ and «o ont 
in tt. wood. «,d hen th««. and the minirt«^ i"!!! 

WWM the rtrwun out and ta w>»i ^ ..._ v: 



MdalaaBad 



out, and to ward off «u.pidoo ha 



•* in th. *«n, ,«i th« MA^ b„^ fl^ ^"^ 



58 



TBS GROOKBT HAM AMD 



tront, and the owner found the treat were stolen and laid 
it to Bome Dutch boys. I wondered, when those men were 
telling their experience, if they ever thought of it now 
when they were preaching and praying, and taking np 
collectioos. I should think they wouldn't say a boy was 
going to hell right off 'cause he was a little wild now- 
adays, when he has such an example. Well, lately, some- 
body has been burgling our chicken coop, and Pa loaded 
an old musket with rock salt, and said he would fill the 
fellow full of salt if he caught him, and while they were 
talking upstairs M& heard a rooster squawk, and she went 
to the stairway and told Pa there was somebody in the 
hen house. Pa jumped up and told the visitors to follow 
him, and they would see a man running down the alley 
full of salt, and he rushed out with the gun, and the crowd 
followed him. Pa is shorter than the rest, and he passed 
under the first wire clothes line in the yard all right, and 
was going for the hen house on a jump, when his neck 
caught the second wire clothes line just as the minister 
and two of the deacons caught their necks under the other 
wire. Yon know how a wire, hitting a man on the throat, 
will set him back, head over appetite. Well, sir, I was 
looking out of the back, window, and I wouldn't be posi- 
tive, but I think they all turned double back somersaults, 
and struck on their ean. Anyway, Pa did, and the gun 
must have been cocked, or he struck the hammer on a 
stone, for it went off, and it was pointed toward the house, 
and three of the visitors got salted. The minister was hit 
the worst, one piece of salt taking him in the hind leg, and 
the other in the back, and he yelled as though it was dyna- 
mite. I suppose when yon shoot a man with salt, it smarts, 
like when you get corned beef brine on your ehapped 
hands. They all yelled, and Pa seemed to have bsen 
knocked silly, some way, for he pranced annmd and 



nOK'S BAT BOT. n 

■eemed to think he had killed them. He (won at the win 
clothes line, and then I miaeed Pa aod heaid a apluh like 
when you throw a cat in the river, and then I thon^t of 
the cistern, and I went down and we took Pa by the collar 
and pnlled him out. O, he was awful damp. No sir, it 
was no duel at all, but a naiddent, and I didn't have any- 
thingr to do with it. The pm wasn't loaded to kill, and 




THOUOHT OF THB 0I8TEBN. 



the salt only went through the skin, but those men did yelL 
Maybe it was my chum that stirred up the chickens, but I 
don't know. He has not commenced to lead a diiferent 
life yet, and he mig*t think it would make our folks siok 
if nothing occurred to make them pay attention. I think 
where a family has been having a good deal of exensiae, 
the w^ OTIS has, it hurts ftem to break oif too suddenly. 



^f IBM emoaaar man and 

Brt tiu Tfaiton went homa, real qniek, mfter we got Pm 
ont of the ciateni, and the miniater told Ha he alwa^ bit 
i^en he waa in onr hooH: aa though he waa on the verge 
of a yawning erater, ready to be mgnlfed any minute, and 
he gueaMd he wouldn't oome any more, Pa changed ha 
clothea and told Ma to haw them wire olothee linea changed 
for rope onea. I think it ia hard to anit Pa, don't you f" 

"O, your Pa ia aU ri^rt. What he needa ia rest But 
why are you not working at the Uvery atablet Ton harm't 
bemdiachaiged.haTeyouf" And the grocery man laid a 
little lump of emocutrated lye, that looked like maple 
w«M, on • eake of augar that had been broken, knowing 
the hay would nibUa it ' — , •-» 

''No, air, I waa not diadiarged, but when a livery man 
Imda me a kicking horw to take my giri oat riding, that 
aettleait I aaked the boaa if I oonldn^t have a quiet hot.. 
tlMt would drive himaeU if I wound the linea around the 
whip, »nd he let me have one he aaid would go aU day 
without driving. Ton know how it ia, when a feUow takea 
a girl 0^ riding he dent want hia mind occupied holding 

^.^^'^ I «<* "V girl in. Mid we went ont on the 
Whitefiah Bay road, and it waa ju<t before dark, and we 
rode ahmg under the treea, and I wound the linea around 
the whip, and put one arm around my girl, and patted her 
under the chin with my other hand, and her month h>oked 
ao good, and her blue «yea looked up at me and twinkled 
aa mneh aa to dare nie to kiaa her, and I wm aU of a 
tremble, and then my hand wandered aronnd by her ear 
and I drew her head up to me and gave her a amaek. 8w 
that waa no kind of a hoiae to give to a young fellowto 
take a girt out riding. Jnat aa 1 amaoked her I felt aa 
Aon^ tte boflgy had been atruck by a pil*driver, and 
^I tookad at the h-« he was run^ng away and 
Ueking the boggy, and Oe linea wen dragging a tha 



ncK's BAc Bor. (j 

r««iid. I WM teared, I tdl yon. I wanted to jonm out, 
Imt iny gipl thww her arm. BTonnd my neck and •ewMMd. 
and iaid we woold die toaother, and jnrt as we were coins 
to die the boggy rtraek • fenee and the horw broke looee 
and went oir, leaving « fa the buggy tumbled down by 
the daah board, but we were not hurt. The old horM itoo- 
ped and went to ehewiBg gran, and looked up at me as 
Aough he wanted to lay 'phUopena.' I tried to eatch 
him, but he wouldn't eateh, and then we waited till dark 

Md w^ed home, and I told the Uvery man what I thought 
of rooh treatment, and he .aid if I had attended to my 
^Ying and not ki«ed the girl, I would have been all right 
He "Jid I ought to have told him I wanted a honw that 
wouldn't Ay at kiaring. bat how did I know I waa going 
to get up courage to kiee fcer. A livery man ought to take 
It for granted that when • young f eUow goes out with hie 

^1 he 1. going to ki. her, and give him a hor«, aeeording. 
But I quit him at one I wont work for a man that 
kun t got «« Q«h| What kind of maple ««ar i. 
thatlJemaaleml mew, give me K>me waterl O, my. it 
5i taking the akin off my month!" 

■The groeery man got him aome water and leemed aorrr 
tlurt fte boy had taken the lump of concentrated ly. \^ 
muM^ ^d when the bqy went out the gToeeiy man 
pounded hia hand* on hia knees and laughed, and pns- 
•nUy he went out in front of the (tore and found a aign : 

FSESH IXTI8, BBEN PICKED 
MOBE'N A WEEK 
TUrFEB'N TBIPE. 



THI OaOaiST KIM AMD 



CHAPTBB Xni. 



TBI BAD BOT A THOBOUOBBBID. 

"Ah, ha, /on have got your deseiti at last," said the gro- 
OMy man to the bad boy, as he came in with one eye black, 
and his nose peeled on one side, and sat down on a board 
aeroas the coal scnttle, and began whistling as nnoon- 
cemed as possible. "'What's'the matter with your eyel" 

"Boy tried to gouge it out without my conaent," and 
the bad boy took a dried herring out of the box and began 
peeling it "He ia in bed now, and his ma is poulticing 
him, and she says he will be out about the last of next 
week." 

"O, yon are going to be a prize fighter, ain't yout" 
said the grocery man, disgusted. "When a boy leaves a 
job where he is working, and goes to loafing around, he 
beoomea a fighter the first thing. What your Pa ought to 
do is to bind you out with a farmer, where you would have 
to work all the time. I wish you would go away from here, 
beeanae you look like one of these fellows that comes up 
before the police judge Mwday morning, and gets thirty 
days in the house of oorreotion. Why don't you go out 
and loaf around a slaughter house,' where you would look 
qipropriatet" and the grocery man took a hair brush and 
bmahed some sugar and tea, that was on the counter, into 
the sugar barrel. 

"Wall, if you have got throuj^ with your sermon, I 
will toot a litae on my horn," and the boy threw the 
nouina of the herring over behind a barrel of potatoes. 



fbck'b bad bot. 



•nd wiped hii hand* on a ooffee laek. "If 70a had thit 
blaok eye, »nd got it the way I did, it would be a more 
priceleM gem in the crown of gloiy yon hope to wear, than 
any gem you can get by putting quarters in the collection 
plate, with the holes flUed with lead, as you did last Sun- 
day, when I was watching yon. 0, didn't you look pious 
when yon picked that filled quarter out, and held your 
thumb orer the place where the lead was. The way of the 
black eye was this. I got a job tending a soda^ater fonn- 
tain, and last night, just before we dosed, there was two 
or three young loafers in the place, and a girl came in for 
a glass of soda. Five years ago she was one of the bright- 
est scholars in the ward school, when I was in the inter- 
mediate department. She was just as handsome as a peaoh, 
and everybody liked her. At recess she used to take my 
part when th; boys knocked me around, and she lived near 
us. She had a heart as big as that cheese box, and I guess 
that's what's the matter. Anyway, she left school, and 
then it was said she was going to get married to a fellow 
who is now in the dude business, but he went back on her, 
and after awhile her ma tnrr."-l her out doors, and for a 
year or two she was jerkirg beer in a concert salomi, until 
the mayor stopped concerts. She tried hard to get sewing 
to do, but they wouldn't have her, I guess 'cause she cried 
ao much when she was sewing, and the tears wet the doth 
she was sewing on. Once I asked Pa why Ma didn't give 
her some sewing to do, and he said for me to dry up and 
never speak to her if I met her on the street. It seemed 
tough to pass her on the street when she had tears in her 
eyes as big as marblea, and not speak to her when I know 
her ao wdl, and she had been so kind to me at school just 
'cause the dude wouldn't many her, but I wanted to obey 
Pa, so I used the walk anmnd a block when I see her 
coming, 'eanae I didnt want to hurt her feelings. Wdl. 



64 



TBM nancmr mam and 



iMt oiijit An flam* in the tton, lootdag pmfy thaUir, aad 
wanted • i^ms of toda, ud I gave it to har, aad O, haw 
her hand trembled when ehe railed the ijati to har lipe, 




O, HOW Bia HAND RntBUD WHIN BHB BAIOD TBB OiAai. 

and how wet her ejta were^ and how pale her faoe waa. 
I choked np so I eonldnt ai>eak when ahe handed me the 
niekel, and when ihe looked np at me and cmiled jnat like 
■he need to, and taid I wai getting to be almoet a man sinoe 
we went to lehool at the old eehool honie, and put her 
handkenhief to her «y«e, hy goah, mj efee got eo fnU I 
eonldnt tell whethor it waa a niekri or a loaaogar die gave 
me. Jnat then one of tiioae loafers bagu to langh at her, 



nOX'B BAD BOT. (5 

•nd aaU her Haunt, and nj the poliee onght to take her np 
tor a etray, and he made fun of her nntU the eried tome 
mm, and I got hot, and went around to where he wai, and 
told hjm if he laid another unkind word to that girl I 
would maul him. He Uughed and aiked if the wai my 
^, and I told him that a poor, friendleia girl, who waa 
•U* and in diatren, and wno wai inmilted, cogbt to be 
wwy boy I lirter, for a minute, and any boy who had a 
ipMk of manhood, ihonld protect her, and then he lau^ied 
and laid I ought to be one of the Little Sirten of the Poor, 
and he took hold of her faded thawl and pulled the weak 
girl againit the ihowcaM, and said something mean to her 
Mid the looked as thonj* she wanted to die, and I maihed 
OMtioy one right on the note. WeU, the air teemed to 
be fnU of me for a jninnte, 'cause he was bigger than me, 
and he got me down, and got his thumb in my «ye. I gnitt 

he wat going to take my «ye out, but I turned him o»er and 
got on top, and I mauled him until he begged, but I 
wouldn't let him np till he atked the girl'a pardon, and 
wroro he would whip any boy that insulted her, and then 
^u "•*' *"* ^ ^ thanked me; but I told her I 
oonldnt ipeak to her, 'cause the wti toug*, and Pa didnt 
wit me to tpeak to anybody who was tou^; but if any- 
body WW insulted her so she had to oiy, that I would whip 
Urn a I had to take a club. I told Pa about it, and I 
thoajftt he would be mad at me for taking the part of a 
girl that was tough, but, by gosh. Pa hugged me, and the 
toan e«ne in his eyes, and he said I had got good blood in 
me, and I did just right; and if I would show him the 
fi<*h« of the boy that I whipped. Pa said he could whip 
tte old man. and Ma said for me to find the poor girl and 
•■Wher up to the house, and she would give her a job 
J»«kfaig pUlow cases and ni^t shirts. Don't it seem dam 
«M« to you that everybody goet back on a poor girl* ( 



TBI aaOOMT MIX AMD 



• mMite, and tlw Uattod lAdp (kat h to 
blam, gali • ehroBMt It nakM ma tirad to think of it," 
and tht box got np and •■wok Unnelf, and lotted in the 
eradnd minor hanginc npon a poit, to aea liow hit tft 
was gottiiiff along." 

"Bajt Tonng ftllaw, 70a are a thoroDg^Itred," Mid tha 
grofl«i7 man, aa ha iprinkled wme water on the aaparagni 
and lettooe, "and 70a ean eome in here and get all the her- 
ring yihi want, and never mind the blaok eye. Iwiihlhad 
it mTielf. Tea, it doea aeem tong^ to see people nerer 
allow a girl to reform. Now, in Bible timei, the Savioor 
f ofgaTe Mai7 or lomebody, I forget now what her name 
waa, and the waa a bettv giri than ever. What we need 
ia more of the apirit of Chriat, and the world would be 



"What we want ia about ten thoniand Chriata. We 
onght to have ten or fifteen ri|^t here in Ifilwankee, and 
th*r wonld find plentgr of bnaineiB, too. But thia elimata 
aeema to be too ron|^ Bay, did I tell 70a about Pa and 
Ma baring trooUat" 

"No,whi«'athen>wt" 

"Wdl, 70a eee Ma wanta to eeomnnixe all ahe ean, and 
Pa haa been getting thinner ainee he quit drinking and !•■ 
formed, and I have kept 00 growing until I am bigger than 
he ia. Fanny, ain't it, that a boy ahonld be bigger than hit 
Paf Pa wuted a new niit of elothea, and Ma laid ahe 
woold ilx him, and ao she took one of my old mita and 
made it over for Pa; and he wore them a week before he 
knew it waa an old aoit made over, bnt one day he found a 
handful of dried np an^e worma in the pistol poeket that 
I had forgot when I waa fishing, and Pa laid the ani^e 
and Ma had to explain that she made orer 
8idtif»Fa. He waa mad and took tiiam off 
OtB out the baak window, and awwe ha would 




rmx'u BAD Bor. 

nmr hnniUato UbmU bj wMriag hit m's oM , 

Ma tiM to HMMi with him, but ha WM mwfollj w«Atd 
np, ud Mid h« WM no ahari^jr hoq>ital, and ha itoroMd 
awwBd to And Ma old Riit of olotlwi, but Ma had iold th«B 
to a plartcr of Pwii imaca paddlar, and Pa hadnt any. 

thing to wear, and ha wantad Ma to go out in tha aUar and 
piA up tha anit ha threw out tha window; but a rag man 
had piekad tb-jm np and was going awv, and Pa, ha grab- 
bad a linan dnatar and put it on and want oat aflar tha rag 
piakar, and ha mn, and Pa aftar him; and the rag nan 
told a poUoaman there waa an eaeaped Innatie from the 
HJrlum, and he wai chasing people aU over the city, ud 
Oe poliaeman took Pa by the linen duster, and polled it 
ol^ and ha waa a si^t when thiy took him to the polioa 
station. Ma and ma had to go down and baU him out, 
and tha poliaa lent ns a tarpaolin to put owr Pa, and w« 
tot him home, and he is wearing his summer pants while 
the taUor makes him a new auH of alothae. I think Pa is 
too exeitaMe, and too partionlar. I new kiaked on waai^ 
ing Pa Js old clothaa, and I think ha ongfat to wear mine 
now. well, I muat go down to the sweetened wind faetOTT, 
and jaric soda," and tha bfly went out and hung up a aim 
infrontoftheatore: -^ f--** 



SPINAOE FOB €HtgtlfS, TBAT 

TBK OAT BAB MADX 

A NBBT Ilf OVEB SUPDAI. 



TBX OMWBnr MAM AMD 



.OHAPTBBZiy. 
MtmmmdKan t. x. a a. vmMaamL 

"Wall, hom't jmr «]ret" said tiM gtoewj nun to tlM 
bad boj, u he blew in with ib* wind on tlM day of tha 
oyolont, and left tha door open. "Saj, ihnt that door. 
Ton want to blow ereiTthing ont of tha itorat Had any 
mora fli^ti, protaeting girla from dodaat" 

"No, ararythinc if quiet 10 far. I gneM linaa I hava got 
a record ai a fighter, the boyi will be earafnl who th«y in- 
ralt when I am aronnd. Bnt I have had the hardait week 
I ever ezparienoed, jerking aoda for the Tonng Uen'a 
Chrietian A«oeiation," laid the boy, ai he peeled a ba- 



"What do yon mean, boyt Don't eait any reflaetioBa 
(m ineh a noble AMoeiation. They don't drink, do thtyt" 

"DrinkI 0, nol They don't drink anything intozie*- 
ting, bnt when it eomea to aoda thqr flood themadTea. Ton 
know there baa been a National Convention of delegataa 
from all tha Tonng Men'a Chriitian AMOeiationi of the 
whole eonntiy, aboat three hundred, here, and our atore 
ia rigM on the atreet where they paaaed four timee a day, 
and I never aaw aueh appetitea for aoda. There baa been 
one eontinual flu in onr atore ainee Wedneaday. The boaa 
wanted me to play it on aome of them by putting some 
brandy in with the perfumery a few timea, bnt I wouldn't 
da it I guaaa a few waeka ago, before I had lad a different 
life, I wouldn't had to be aaked twiee to play the game en 
a iy b ejiy . Bnt a man eay boy aoda of ma and be perfeetly 



fMKli BAB aOT. 



09 



Of aom^ if •■an wiata, iA« I Mk hia what 

to put to^hrmdy. Thttk different Bnt I wouUnt 
T!f*V, "*o • "»« 'or nothing. Thii Okriatian Aaw- 
JtiMOmwntion hM eaoMd . eoldne. between P. u>d 

"How'i tlutt Tour Pt lent JealoDt, ia hef and the 
r««^iiiaii ea». aronnd from behind the ewmter to (ft 
tteUteet loerip to rrtail to the hired ,irli who traded w^, 

-nl'ilr' w"°^''" "*"» *k. boy. a. he took a few rai.ir, 
oat of a box. "Ton aee, the dalegatea were ihnffled u,t t. 
aU Oe chnreh mambe« to take eare of, and they dealt Uo 
to M^ and ahe new toM Pa anything abont it. They 
awne to aapper the ilrat ni^t. and Pa didn't get home ao 
whan they went to the Condition in the evening, Ma gave 
them a nijit key, and Pa eame home from the boxing 
mateh about eleren o'oloek, and Ma waa aaleep. Jnat aa 
Pa r)t inoat of hia elothea off, he heard aomebody fumb- 
Jng at the front door, and he thoo^t it waa bnr^ara. Pa 

^!!f ^f^'"""**' ^^ "*• ^ "^ ^0 ^^ o' the honae 
«d ^JiS^ «• ««« the oatdde. He opened a window 
Md looked ont and aaw two anapieiona looking oharaotera 
trying to paek the lock with a akeleton key, and he picked 

Zl n «**'■? ?«* M* »»<» ^x«^t when we moved, 
~w and aU, and dropped it down right between the two 
delegatoa. Goeh, if it had hit one of them, there would 
h*ve bera the aolemneat funeral you ever aaw. Juat aa it 
•trod^ thv got the door opened and came into the haU, 
and ttM wmd waa blowing pretty hard and they thought 

toOdng abort being miraculoualy aaved, and trying to 
*tt. ^tohon thdr wat p«.t.. when P. wenttoleiead 
•fttaatriraandpnahedowawiraatand flUed with potted 



THi oaooBirr min imd 



jAaalM, wUmk i^nA px«|ty near tke ddagatm, ud on* of 
than Hid tha home wm ooming down inn, tnd fhqr bet- 
ter go into the eellar, and ihtf went down and got bdiind 
the fnrnaee. Pa called me np and wanted me to go down 
cellar and tell the bnrglan we were onto them, and for 
them to get out, bat I wiant Teijr well, lo Pa loekad hii 
door and went to bed. I gacM it mnat haTc been half-an- 
honr before Pa'i cold feet woke Ma np, and then Pa told 
her not to more for her life, came there were two of the 
nvageit looking bnrglan that ever was, rnmaging over the 
honae. Ma imelled Pa'i breath to aee if he had got to 
drinking again, and then ihe got np and hid her oraidn 
watch in her ahoea, and her Onalaika diamond ear-ringi 
in the Bible, where ahe laid no bnrglar would ever find 
them, and Pa and Ma laid awake till daylight, and then Pa 
■aid he waan't afraid, and he and Ma went down cellar. 
Pa atood on the bottom itair and looked around, and on* 
of Jie delegatea aaid, 'Mister, ia the ttorm orer, and ia 
yonr family safet' and Ma recognized the -voice and aaid, 
'Why, ita one of the delegatea. What are yon doing down 
theret' and Pa aaid, 'What'a a delegatet' and then Ma 
explained it, and Pa apok)giMd, and the delegate aaid it 
was no matter aa they had enjoyed themael'vea real wdl in 
the cellar. Ma waa mortified moat to death, and the dele- 
gate told her it waa all ri|^ She waa mad at Pa, flrat, 
bnt when ahe aaw the broken alop-bowl on the front stepa, 
and the potted planta in the hall, ahe wanted to kill Pa, 
and I gneaa ane woold only for the aooiety of the delegatea 
She oonldn't help tdling Pa that he waa a bald headed old 
toei, bat Pa didnt retaliate— he ia too rnneh of a gentle- 
man to talk back in compniy. All he aaid waa that a 
woman who ia old enon^ to have delegatea aawed off on 
her, onght to ham aanae enon^ to tell her hnaband, and 
than th^y all drifted off into eoBvanation abowt the coo- 



rmx'a iub bot. 



n 



▼ention and th« budng mateh, ud emytUng was all right 
on tha tnrfaoe; but after breakfast, whan the dalegatca 
went to the eonvention, I notiaed Pa went ri^t down town 
and bon^t a new slop-jar and some more plant*. Pa and 
Ma didnt speak aU the forenoon, and I guess tbiy 
wouldn't ap to this time, only Ha's bonnet eame home 
from the milliner's and she had to have some money to pay 
for it Then she eaUed Pa 'pet,' and that settled it When 
Ma calls Pa 'pet,' that is twenty-flve doUars. 'Dear, old 
darling,' means fifty doUara. But, say, those ohnstian 
young men do a heap of good, don't they. Their presence 
seems to make people better. Some boys down by the store 
were going to tie a ean on a dog's tail, yesterday, and 
somebody said, 'here cornea the Christian Association,' 
and those bad boys let the dog go. They tried to find the 
dog after the crowd had got by, but the dog knew his 
bnaineas. Well, I must go down and charge the soda 
foimtain for a picnic that is expected from the eountry." 
"Hold on a minute," said the grocery man as he wound 
a piece of brown paper around a cub and stuck it in a 
syrup jug he had just filled for a customer, and then lick- 
ed his fingers. "I want to ask yon a question. What has 
caused you to change so from being bad. Ton were about 
as bad as they make 'em, up to a few weeks ago, and now 
you seem to have a soul, and get in your work doing good 
about as well as any boy in town. What is it that ails 
youf" 

"Oh, sugar, I don't want to tell," said the boy, as he 
blushed ard wiggled around on one foot, and looked silly; 
"but if yon won't laugh, I will teU you. It is my girl that 
has made me good. It may be only temporary. If she 
goes baek on me I may be tough again ; but if she continues 
to hold out faithful I shall be a daisy aU the time. Say, 
dM yw erwr loTO a girlt It would do yon good, if yon 



n 



THX aBOOIBT VAN AMD 



loftd tiqrbody regnlar old fashioned the way I do, peopia 
eonid lend little ehildren here to trade, and yoa wonldn't 
palm off any wilted TegetaUes on to them, or give thm 
short weii^t — ^if yon was in love, and felt that the one yon 
loTod saw eveiy act of yonrs, and yon oonld see her eyes 
ereiy minnte, yon wonid throw away anything that was 
spoiled, and not try to sell it, for fear yon wonId oflsnd 
her. I don't think any man is fit to do bnsiDeas honasUy 
unless he is in love, or has been fa love onee. Now I 




I 00llU> BB HT CUBL's BANOB BAIBI BIOBT OP. 



QOoIdnt do anything wrong if I tried, beoanse I shonid 
hear the still small voice of my girl saying to me 'Htnnery, 
let np on that.' I slipped np on a banana peel, ys st e r day, 



rmx'n bad bot. 



TS 



and kut niTidf, and I wm jut pnng to njr wmitliiiig 
•All, and I oonld we nqr girl's bangi raiae rif^ up, and 
than ma a pained look in her lta», and a tear in ker cje, 
and, b7 goah, I jnit imiled and looked tieUed tiU her hair 
went down and the imile eame back again to her Upa, 
thon^ it hnrt me like Uaaea where I itmck Oe lidewalk. 
I waa telling Pa about it, and aaked him it he erer felt aa 
thoni^ hii Mol waa going ri^ ont toward lonwbodjr, and 
he aaid he did onoe on a iteamhnet ezenrrion; but he ate 
a lamon and got over it. Pa thinks it ii my liver, and 
wanta me to take pilla, bat I tell yon, boai, it has stmek 
in me too deep for piUa, nnle« it ia one that wei^ abont 
a hnndred and fortjr poonds, and weara a hat with a 
feather on. Sajr, if my giil ahonld walk ri^t into a burn- 
ing lake of red-hot lava, and beekon me to follow, I wonld 
take a hop, akip and jump, and — " 

"0 give na a rest," said the groeecy man, sa he took 
a baain of water and sprinkled the floor, preparatory to 
sweeping ont "Ton have got the worst ease I ever saw, 
and yon better go ont and walk around a bloek," and the 
boy went out, and forgot to hang out any sign. 



74 



THI QBOOBT MAK AMD 



OHAFTEBXV. 



■■ TDBNB aupa. 

Tog Io«t prettjr iteapy," laid the gnxsety man to the 
bad bov, aa ha eame in the itore yawning, and itratehed 
hiaaadi ont on the eonnter with Ui head on a . pieee of 
wrappinf paper, in reach of a box of raiaina, 
it's the matter f Been sitting np with yotur oiri all 

"Smm\ 1 wiA I had. Wakefnlneai with my giil ii 
: and more reetfnl than deep. No, thii is the reanlt 
>f baiBff a dntifol son, and I am tired. Ton aee Pa and Ma 
have B^arated. That ia, not for keepa, bat Pa haa got 
frighlaud aboat bori^ian, and he gets np into the attie to 
sleep. He says it is to get fresh air, but ha knows better. 
Ua has got so aeenstomed to Pa's snoring that she eant go 
to alesp withont it, and the first ni^t Pa left she didnt 
sleep a wink, and yesterday I was playing on an old aeoor- 
dion that I traded a dog collar for after oar dog was 
poisoned, and when I tonohed the low notes I notieed Ha 
dosed sC to sleep, it sounded so mnoh like Pa's snore, and 
last ni|^t Ma made me set np and play for her to sleep. 
As rested splendid, bnt I am all broke up, and I sold the 
aeeordion this morning to the watchman who watches oar 
bloek. It is qneer what a different effect mnsie will haya 
OB diflhrant people. While Ma was sleeping the sleep of 
inneeeaee ondsr the inilnenee of my eonnterteit of Pa's 
<, ttm ni^ watshman was broln of his r«at h7 it, awl 



nCK'g BID aoT. fi 

k* boMikt it of ma to girs it to the wn of an mmh^ of Un 
Wdl, I hkira quit jeMag Boda." 

"No, jron doBt tdl me," wid the gtoearj aa, m he 
fflored the box of iminna out of raaeh. "Toa neftr will 
amonot to aiiTthiiig unleei yoa etiek to one trade or pio- 
feaiitai. A rolling hen never eatehaa the aarij aagla- 



"0, bat I am all right now. In the ioda water bnaiiMa, 
there is no chance for genini to riae nnleae the loda fbuii- 
tain ezplodea. It ia all wind, and one geta tired of the 
eooatant fizi. He feels that he is a fraud, and when he 
puts a little aymp in a tumbler, and flres a little sweetened 
wind and water in it nntil the soap sads fills the tomUar, 
and charges ten cents for that whieh oniy costs a cent a 
sensitiTe soda jerker, who has reformed, feels that it is 
worse than three card monte. I couldn't stand the wear 
on my conscience, so I hare got a permanent job aa a snper, 
and shall open the 1st of September." 

"Say, what's a sapert It isnt one of th«ae free Inneh 
places that the mayor closes at midnight, is i|t" and the 
grocery man looked aorry. 

"0, thnnder, you want salt on yon. A super is an ad- 
junct of the stage. A snpe is a fellow that assists the stars 
and things, carrying chairs and taking up carpets, and 
sweeping the sand ott the stage aftera dancer has danced 
a jig, and he brings beer for the aeton, and halpa laee up 
corsets, and anything he can do to add to the effect of the 
play. Privately, now, I have been aoting as a supe for a 
long time, on the sly, and my folks didnt know anything 
about it, but sinee I reformed and decided to be good, I 
f dt it my duty to teU Ma and Pa about it The news 
broke Ma all up, at first, but Pa said some of the hart actors 
is thia oountry were supes once, and some of them were 
now, and he though snping would be the making of me. 



lU ftW i ^t coiog on the rttft wmild W my 

Ow wU tha thMtw WM th* kut^ad •( fill, wd bnra^ 
MM Mb thai the 6bmnk eonld hMi oA But wlMa I 
Ml har that th«jr iXwtyi gt-n • iiip* two «r tkiM «ln 
li^tatalMr hk tunily, sh« Mid tka dMrtw hM mm m- 
dMMfaic iMtaNi, and when I Mid 1117 antnaM apon tht 
^tft wmld fivs me a iplendid nfiinrtanilj to get the le- 
eipe for fae9 powder from the aatwue, f oi- Ma, and I 
eonld find oat how the aetraMW managed to get nomber 
four feet into nnmber one ihoea, Ila Mid riie wUed I 
wonid oommence taping ri|^ off. Ma M^a tharc are wme 
things aboat a theater that are not ao all-flred bad, and ahe 
wanti me to get aMta for the iint oomia opera that eomea 
alcmg. Pa wanta it nndentood with the manager that a 
aape'a father haa a right to go behind Oe aeanea to aM 
that no harm bnfalla him, bat I knew what Fa wanta. Ha 
may aeen pioos, and aU that, bat he likM to look at baUet 
girla better than an7 medc and lowly fidlowar I ever aae, 
and aome day yon will hear mnaie in the air. Pa thiwt« 
theatera are very bad, when he haa to pay a dollar fbr a 
reaeryed aeat, but when he ean get in for nothing h a 
reUtive of one of the 'perfeah', the thMter hM many re- 
deeming qoaUtiea. Pa and Ma think I am going into the 
bnainaM frtah and green, bat I know aU aboat it When 
I played with MeCplloag^ here once—" 
^/'<*. ^»t an yoa giving na," aaid the groeeiy man in 
tfaga^ "whrn yoa played with MeOallongfal What did 
70a daT' 

"^'*"* •* I dot Why, you old aeed eaeomber, the 

around me. Do you remember the 

1 fornm, ^ere MeOulloo^ addre«ed 

I a< Bomef I wai the popnlaoe. Dont yon 

' • «■* f dlow atanding in front of the Boman 

r it m; with a ni|^t ahirt cm, with bat* lege 



mx'n ais bot. 



Mduwt Tlat wu OM, and •mything lUfMUad w mc. 
Bapftm I liiUI gont off Qu itaf* st the aritiaal mamnt, w 
Ini^td whan I ihonld bam IwAad JIwm «t the i]iq>ired 
wndf of tha Boman mutor, h would IwTa been • d«ad 
gire awi^ on KeOolloiii^ Am the popnUoe of Borne I 
Moaider myielf a glittering meoeM, and Me took me ky the 
hMd when tkty earned Cnar'e dead body out, and he 
laid, 'ni three did oanelves prond.' Sneh praiie from He- 
Cnlkni^ ia seldom accorded to a rape. But I dont oon- 
■idar the populace of the imperial city of Bome my maater 
pieae. Where I ezeel ii in coming out before the onrtain 
between the aoti, and nnhooking the carpet. Some inpea 
go oat and torn their badu to the andienee, showing 
patehea on their panta, and rip up the carpet with no atyle 
•boat them, and the dnit fliea, and the boys yell 'aope,' 
and the rape gets nerrooa and forgets his cue, and goes off 
tombling over the carpet, and tha orchestra leader is afraid 
the rape will fall on him. But I go oat with a quiet dig^ 
nity that is only gained by ezparienee, and I take hold of 
the carpet the way Hamlet takes up the skull of Toriek, 
and the audienae is paralyied. I kneel down on the carpet, 
to onhook it, in a devotional sort of a way that makea the 
aadience bow their heads as thou^ thfly were in chnreh, 
and before they realiie that I am only a rape I have the 
carpet onhooked and march out the way a 'Piaoopal min- 
ister does when he goes out between the acts at chnreh to 
change his shirt They never 'guy' me, 'cause I aet well 
tV P«rt. But I kiek <m holding dogs for actresses. Some 
rapes think th^ are made if they can hold a dog, but I 
have an ambition that a pug dog will not fill. I held Mary 
Anderson's eud of gum once, while she went on the stage, 
and whan she cama off and took her gam her fingers 
tonehed mine and I had to run my fingers in my hair to 
warm thsm, like a fellow does when he has been raow- 



n 



•HI caoomT KAX um 



Gofrii, bat iha wooi.^ fre«M lea erMm wWiaiit 
Mtt. I 4iill b* ^ad whan the thMtriad mhod opaaa, 
'MMH wt Mton frt tiNd liTiiiff off." 

"Wdl, I'd Uka to go beUad th« hwdm nith 70a wnM 
idl^" Mid Oa froaerjr man, offarinir tVa bad bojr an 




to gat aolid irith him, in Ticnr of fntnre eoaqtli- 
Aati. "No daagar, ia theret" 
"No duiar it yoa kaap off the graaa. Bntyoa'dafiia 
to aaa aij Sodaj aehodl taaeher one Brtnrdar nii^ laat 
HMHMr. Ba ka^a baala in a atsa^ and ia 



noK'k MAoaor. 



n 



at th« fhMter, and wanted me to g«t Um behind the u«^ 
ane nig^ and another npe wanted to go to the aparrine 
mateh, and I thon^ it wouldn't be any harm to work my 
toaeher in, ao I got him a job that ni«^t to hold the dogi 
forUneleTom'tihow. He wu in one of the winga holding 
the ehaina, and the dog* were jn«t anziooi to go on, and it 
waa all my taaeher ooold do to hold them. I told him to 
wind the ehaina aroimd hii wriita, and he did ao, and jut 
then Blixa began to lUp aeroM the ice, and wa dcked the 
Mood honnda on before my teaeh -. could unwind the 
ehaina from hia wrirta, and the dogi pulled him ri^t out 
on the atage, on hia atomach, and drawed him aeroaa, and 
he jakei one dog and kicked him in the stomach, and the 
dog turned on my teacher and took a mouthful of hia coat 
tail and ihook it, and I gneaa the dog got lome meat, any- 
wv the teacher climbed up a step-ladder, and the dogs 
treed him, and the step-ladder fell down, and we grabbed 
the dofs and put some court plaster on my teacher's nose, 
where the fbe extinguisher peeled it, and he said he would 
fa hoMe, 'eanse the theater waa demoralizing in its tenden- 
■aa. I '^oaa it was not right, but when the teacher stood 
19 to heer ear £kinday school lesson the next day, 'enme 
he mm tired y^an the dog bit him, I said 'aiek-em,' in a 
'Haapw, when hia bad waa turned, and he jmped clear 
OTW t» the BiUe dasa, and put hia hands aroMd to hia 
e«* tafl as though ha thought the TTnde Toa'a Cabin 
party were giving a matinee in the ekuidi. The Sunday 
aobool lasaoa ww about the dog's Uekag the aorea of Lasa- 
ma, and the ts a nher aaid we muat not eonfnad the good 
daga of Bibb tins with fte savage beasta of te presoit 
day, thrt would shake the d^yli^te out of Laaaroa, and 
make hia sUmb &e eedan of T rtian qgieker than you 
eoold aay Jaek Bobinaan, and go aff diawing a cud o( bit- 
' "~^-n on Laaawi* aea* taa I teit ttink a Son- 



M 



nn oaocBBT man im 



day tobool tMMhar on^ to Mnf np panonal noiiiiit- 
eaneet twfoN • ti»m of ehildra, do yoat Wdl, hb« 
time noit ftU yon pat on a elcan (hirt and a pair of ahaat 
iron panti, wtth atore le^ on the inaida, and I will taka 
yon behind tka aoanaa to ••• aeoM good moral ahow. InOa 
meantime^ if yon have an oeeaaion to talk with Pa, tell Um 
that Booth, and Barrett, and Keene eommeneed an the 
atage aa anpea, and Salvini roaated peaanta in tb* leUiy 
of aome theater. I want onr taOa to feel that I am taking 
the rii^t oonraa to become a atar. I prythee Mt rt$trvoir. 
I goheneel battoretnm. Avaiintl" And the boy walk, 
ed ont on hia toaa • la Booth. 



raox'B BAD Bor. 



81 



OHAPTBSZVL 



UMOU I 



. PAT! A yma. 



"1 hear yoor Unele Em ig hei« on • vUt," Mid tht 
groeeiy man to the bwl boy. "I anppoaa 70a hara bm 
having a high old time. Then ia notbing that doea a boy 
mow good than to have a niee Tiait with a good onele, and 
hear him tell about old timet when ha and tba boy 'a f«t hfr 
were boya together." 

"WaU I dmit know about it," aaid the boy, aa he took 
• "tfak of macaroni, and began to Uow paper wa-b 
ttion^ H at a wood lawyer, who waa filing a aaw outaide 
the door. '"Whan a b«y who haa been tough haa got hk 
pina all aet to reform, I dont think it doea him any good 
to have a real nice Uncle come to the houae viaiting. Any 
way, that*! my ezperienoe. I have baekalid the wont way, 
and h'* going to take me a month after Uaala Enm goea 
away to climb ap to the graco that I have fallen from. It 
ia darn diaconraging," aaid the boy, aa ha looked up to 
the ceiling in an innocen', eort of way, and hid the maca- 
roni under bia coat when the wood lawyer who had been 
hit in the neck, dropped his saw and got up mad. 

"^Vhat'a the tronblet Tour unele haa the reputation 
where he lives of being one of the pillars of sodety. But 
you can't teU about these feUowi when they get away 
from home. Does he drinkt" 

"No, he don't drink; but aa near aa I can figure, he and 
Fa were about the worst p ils in the box, when they weie 
3w<»g- I don't want you to repeat it, but when Pa and 



•«c»oeorr msoiution mi chait 

(ANSI and ISO TtST CHART No. 2) 




mmik^ 



A APPLIED ItVHGE li 

_^^K I6SJ Eotl litain sir**) 

JM^ Boch»it«r, New Yofk 14609 USA 

^KS C^'B} «a2 - 0300 - Phon* 

^^^S <^'C) ZB8 - 5989 - Fan 



THZ QBOCKBT lUM AND 



Ha wera mwried they eloped. Yes, sir— aotuaUy ran «way 
and defied their parente— and they had to hide abont a 
week, for fear Ma'a father wovdd ffll Pa so fuU of cold 
lead that he would ejnk if he feU in the water. Pa haa 




OBiMDVATHSB'S SHOT OUM. 

been kicked over the fence and chased down alleys doient 
of times hy Ma's grandfather, when he was sparking Ma, 
and Ma was a terror, too, 'cause her mother cooldnH do 
ai^thing with her, thongh she is awful precise now, and 



raOK'8 BAD Bor. 



8S 



wanta eyeryhoiy to be too good. Why, Ha's mother mad 
to wann her ean, and ahake the dayli^ta ont of her, but 
it didnt do any good. She waa maahed on Pa, and there 
iraa no onre for her ezeept to have Pa preaoribed for her 
aa a husband, and they ran away. Unole Ezra told m* 
all about it Ifo haint got any patience with girla now 
dayi that have minda of their own abont fellowi, and she 
thinks she knows all about it But when people get in 
love it is the same now aa when Pa and Ma were trying 
to keep out of the leaeh of my grandfather's shot gun. 
But Pa and Uncle Ezra and Ma are good friends, and they 
talk over old times and haye a big laugh. I guess Uncle 
Ezra was too muoh for Pa in joking 'vHien they were boy^ 
'cause Pa told me that all rules against joking were sus- 
pended while Uncle Ezra was here, and for me to play 
anything on him I could. I told Pa I was tiying to lead 
a different life, but he said what I wanted to do was to 
make Umde Ezra think' of old times, and the only way was 
to keep him on the ragged edge. I thought if there was 
anything I could do to make it pleasant for my Uncle, it 
waa my duty to do it, so I fixed the bed alato on the spare 
bed BO they would fall down at 2 A. M. the first night, and 
then I retired. At two o'eloek I heard the awfnleat noise 
in the spare room, and a howling and screaming, and I 
wuit down to meet Unde Ezra in the hall, and he asked 
me what waa the matter in there, and I aaked him if he 
didnt sleep in the spare room, and he said no, that Pa 
and Ma was in there, and he slept in their room. Then 
we went in the spare room and you'd dide to see Pa. Ma 
had jumped out when the alats first fell, and was putting 
her hair up in curl p^>ers when we got in, but Pa i»a all 
tangled up in the springs and things. His head had gone 
down flret, and the mattress cuid <pa^*» rolled over him, and 
he waa almost smotiiered, and we had to take the bedstead 



84 



THK OBOOBBT IfAM AMD 



down to get him out the ynj 7"^ •>•▼• ** unhamew a 
hone when he ran sway and f alli down before you oan get 
him np. Pa waa mad, but Unde Ezra laughed at him, and 
told him he waa only f onndeied, and all he wanted waa a 
bran maah and aome hone liniment, and he would come 
out all right Uncle Ezra went out into the hall to get a 
pail of water to throw on Pa, 'cause he aaid Pa waa afire, 
when Pa asfca me why in Uazea I didn't fix the other bed 
slats, and I told him I didn't know they were going to 
change beds, and then Pa said dnnt let it occur afcain. 
Pa lays everything to me. He is the moet changeable man 
I ever saw. He told me to do everything Uncle Ezra 
wanted me to do, and then, when I helped Uncle Ezra 
to play a joke on Pa, he waa mad. Say, I don't think thia 
world is run ri^t, do yout I havent got much time to 
talk to you to-day, 'canae Uncle Ezra and me are going 
fishing, but don't it rtrike you that it is queer that parents 
tronnee bqya for doing just what they did themselves f 
Now, I have got a friend whoae father ia a lawyer. That 
lawyer would wann hia boy well if he diould tell a lie or 
associate with anybody that waa bad, and yet the lawyer 
will defend a man he knows ia gniNy of stealing, and get 
him clear and take the money he got from the thief, who 
stole it, to buy the same boy a new eoat to wear to church, 
and he will defend a man who committed murder, and 
make an argument to the jury that will bring tean to 
their eyes, and they will dear the murderer. Queer, ain't 
itf And say, how ia it that we send miarionariea to Bnr- 
'' mah, to convert them from heathenism, and the same 
vessel that takes the niiasi«Hiarie« there carriea from Boston 
a cargo of tin gods to sell to the heathen! Why wouldn't 
it be better to send the missionaries to Boston t I think 
the more a boy learns the more he gets mixed." 
"Well, how's your theatre 1 Have any of the great 



peck's bad bot. 86 

Mton inpported you latdyl" laid the grooeiy man, to 
ehange the lobjeet 

"No, we are all off on vaeationi. Booth and Barrett, 
and lot! of the atan, are gone to Enrope, and the reit 
work down to leas hi^^-ttmed placea. Some of the theatre 




KT mraut woLk m pbrtt bough. 



girla ai« waiteia at aammer renrti, and loti are vinting 
r«datiT«B m Urmt. I tell yon, it make* a difhrenoe 
whether the nlatirea are Tinting yon or yon are viaiting 
Aetora and intrwiM Ctd awfully idMn an old 



86 



\ tmoamr MAX AMD 



gnagtt oomM to town wbtn thij u* playing, and wanti 
to IM them. Thqr we tihanied of hii homaipnn olothM, 
and eowhide booti, and thqr want to meet him in an alley 
tomewhere, or in the baaement of the theatre, lo other 
aetori will not laugh at their ron^ relattvea, bat when the 
eeaaon is over an aotor who oan remember a lelatiTe 
ont on a fans, ia tieUed to desHi, and the granger ia all 
right eooni^ there, and the aotor doea not tiiink of the 
ron{^ nirtmeg grater handa, and the bliatered noee, aa long 
as the granger relstive will put np fried port: and things, 
acd 'sapport' the aetor. iSj IJnele E^ra is pretty rough 
and it nukea me tired sometimes when I urn down town 
with him to hava him go into a store where there are girl 
olerks and aak what things are for, that I know he don't 
want, and make the girls blnsh, but he ia a good-hearted 
old man, and he and me are going to make a mint of 
money dnring the vaeation. He lives near a sommer resort 
hotel, and haa a stream that is full of minnows, end we 
are going to catoh minnows and sell them to the Jndes for 
fish bait He asys some of the fools will pay ten eenti 
apieee for minnows, so if we sell a million minnows, ve 
inake a fortune. I am eoming baok in September, and will 
bny ont your groeeiy. Soy, let me have a ponnd of raidns^ 
and 111 piv yon when I sell my nnole's minnows." 



fwk'b bad bot. 



CHAPTER XVn. 



BB DIBOUaSM THMLOOT. 

"Wliat are .yon ritting there for s lulf-ui-honr for, itat^ 
ing at TaeancyT" laid the groceiy man to the bad boy, ai 
he lat on the itool by the itoTe one of theee foggy mom- 
ingi, when everybody feela like qaarreling, wHh Ui flngen 
clasped around hia knee, looking ai thoogh he did not 
know enongh to lart him to bed. "What yon thfaHng 
r/ooat anywayt" 

"I was wondering where yon wonid hitn been t»<h^ 
if Noah had nin his ark into saeh a fog as this, and there 
had been no fog-horn on Mount Ararat, and he had passed 
by with his excursion and not made a landing, and had 
floated around on the fre«het until all the animals starved, 
and the ark had struck a snag and buret a hole in its hot- 
torn. I tell you, we can all congratulate ourselves that 
Noah happened to blunder on that hig^ ground. If that 
ark had been lost, either by being foondered, or being 
Mowed up by the Fenians beeause Noah was an Bn^iah- 
man, it would have been cold work trying to populate this 
world. In that case another Adam and Eve would have to 
be made out of dirt and water, and they might have gone 
wrong again and failed to raise a family, and where wouM 
we have been. I tell yon when I think of the narrow 
ssc^ea we have had, it is a wonder to me that we have 
got along as well as we have." 

"Well, when did you get out of the atylnmt" said the 
gnrnery man, who had been standing ba«& wUh hta month 



88 



THB OBOdBT XAM AMD 



open, looking at the boy m thoagh he wu oraijr. "What 
yon want if to have yoor head soaked. Yon are getting ao 
TOO naeh ont too far with that small mind of jronrs. In 
abont another year 70a will want to ran this world jronr- 
■elf. I don't think you are reforming veiy mnoh. It is 
wicked for a boy yonr size to argue abont snch thingi. 
Toor folks better send yon to oollege." 

"What do I want to go to college for, and be a heartlets 
hawr, and a poor baseball player t I can be bad enough 
at home. The more I read, the more I think. I don't 
believe I can ever be goc " enoagh to go to heaven aivfway, 
and I guess I-will go into the newspaper buaincH where 
thcty don't have to be good, and where fhey have passes 
eveiywhere. Do yon know, I think when i was built th^ 
left ont a oog wheel or something in my head. I can't 
think like some boys. I get to thinking abont Adam and 
Bve in the garden of Eden, and of the Dade with the 
cloven hoof that flirted with Eve, and treated her and 
Adam to the dried apples, and I can't think of them as 
wme boya do, with a flg leaf polonaise, and flg leaf vests. 
I iaagiiM thnn dressed up in the latest style. I know it 
is wrong, but that is what a poor boy has to suffer who has 
an imagination, and where did I get the imaginationt 
This eonfoiiBded imagination of mine shows me Adam with 
a ping hat on, just like oar minister wears, and a stand-up 
collar, and ti{^ pants, and peaked-toed shoes, and Eve is 
piotared to me with a cmshed-ang^e-worm colored dress, 
and brown striped stockings, and newspapers in her dress 
to make it lOtk out, and a hat with dandelions on, and a 
red parasol, and a lace handkerchief, which she puts to i 
her lips and winks with her left ^e to the masher who is' 
staadfaig by the comer of the house, in an attitude, lAile 
the taU wifli fite dart on the end is woond around the 
win water barrel so Bve noa't see it and get seared. 



noK'B Bis Bor. 89 

BV d anty wi think it ii better for a b«7 to tMnfc of ou 
tet panoti iwith elotbei on, titan to fUnk of them •Imoit 
naked, ezpoaed to the inelemeney of the weather, with 
nothing bnt fig leavM pinned ont I want to do ri^t, as 
near aa I ean, bnt I had rather think of them dreaaed like 
onr folk! are hnJajr, than to think of them in a eyelone 
^ learea for wearing apparel. Sajr, il ia wrong to fight, 
bnt don't yon think if Adam had pnt on a pair of boxing 
i^orea, when he foond the deril waa getting too freah 
about the pUee, and knocked him ont in a eonple of 
nmnda, and pasted him in the noae, and fired him ont of 
the sommer garden, that it would hare been a big thing 
far this world. Jfow, honeatt" 

"Look-a-here," laid the groeeiy man, who had been 
hxAing at the b<7 in diamay, "Ton better go ri^t hone, 
and let your Ma fix up some warm drink for you, and pnt 
you to bed. Ton are aU wrong in the head, and if you are 
net attended to you wiU have brain fever. I tell you, boy, 
yon are in danger. Come, I wiU go home with you." 

"O, dMiger nothin'. I am just teUing yon how Oings 
look toab<?jririiohaa not gotthe faeiUtiea for being too 
good in hii youth. Some b«yi ean take things as they 
read than, and not think any for themselves, but I am 
a Thinker from Thinkersvffle, and my imagination plays 
the diekens with me. There is nothing I read about old 
timea, bnt what I eompare it with the same line of bonneaa 
at the present day. Now when I think of the fishermen 
of Qalilee, drawing their seines, I wonder what th^ would 
have done if there bad been a law aganst hanling adnes, 
aa thwe is in Wisconsin to^ay, and I ean see a eonstable 
with a warrant for the amst of the Galilee fishermen, 
■Mtehing the old aposdes and taking them to the polioe 
atation in a patrol wagon. I know it is wrong to think like 
that, bnt how ean I help ttt Say, suppose those fidunmen 



90 



TBI moawn iun amd 



had been out hanUiig their Minci, and oar miiiktar ihoald 
eonie along with hi* good elothct on, hi* jointed rod, hie 
niekel-pUted reel, and hia lilk flah line, and hie patent ilah 
hook, and pnt a frog on the hook and eaat hi* line near the 
OaUlae llaheraun and go to trolling for baa*. What do 
70a rappoae the lone flaherman of the Bible time* would 




KNOW it's wrong to THIMK bo, but how OAH I HELP ITf 



haye thought about the gall of the jointed rod flahermant 
Do yon aappoae they wonld have thrown atonea in the 
water where he waa trolling, or wonld they haye told him 
there was good trolling aroxmd a point abont half a mile 
np the ahore, where they knew he wouldn't get a bite in a 
week, the way a fellow at Mnakego Lake lied to our miniater 



nOKli BiDBOr. 



• ipdlacof I «1 you, boii, it W a ■»! llifat for « Iwy to 
luTe tn imagination," and the Ikq- pot Ua othar kaaa iv 
the aling made by tlia olenohad flngen of iMHt taaii, Mi 
waited for the groeeiy man to argoa ».."• him. 

"I wiah you would go away from her" I am afraid of 
you," laid the groMry man. "I would giro anything if 
your Pa or the miniiter would eome in and haTe a talk 
with you. Tour mind ia wandering," and the groeery nun 
went to the door and looked up and down the atraet to 
aee if aomebody wouldn't eooie in and wateh the eraiy 
boy, while he went to oreakfMt 

"0, Pa and the miniater can't maio a flnt payment on 
me. »>• gets mad wh«a I aik queationi, and the miniater 
ttinka 1 un paat redemption. Pa aaid yeaterday thitt 
baldneaa waa eauaed, in every oaie, by man 'a wearing plug 
hata, and when I aaked him where the good Bliaha (whom 
the boya called 'go up old bald head,' and the beara had a 
free luneh on them), got hia plug hat. Pa aaid aehool waa 
diami»ed and I eould go. When the miniater wm telling 
me about the good Elijah going up throu«^ the elonda it 
a ohariot of Are, and I aaked the miniater what he thoo^ 
Elijah would have thought if he had met our Sunday 
aehool inperintendent coming down thiou^ the elouda 
on a biqrcle, he put hia hand on my head and aaid my lirar 
waa aU wrong. Now, I will leave it to yon if than waa 
«Vthing wrong about thatt Say, do ywn know what I 
think la the moat beautiful thing ir the BiUet" 

"No, I don't," aaid the grooeiy man, "and if yom want 
to teU it, I will liaten jnat five minutea, and than I am 

going to ahut up the atore and go t teeakf aat Ton make 
me tired." 

"Well, I think the fineat thing ia that atoiy about the 

prodigal aon, and where the boy took aU the mon^y ha oonld 
■wape up and went out Weat to paiot the town red. Ha 



•na moamr uak un 



ipwt kta moMif in itotoM IMnK and KW tfWTtUng that 
WM floinv an, and got foil of bmiiiM, and ttrnek all tha 
■aafi of too^^ both mala and tamala, and Ua itoDUMh 
want back on bim, and ha bad malaria, and ifauUy ha got 
to ba a aowbtqr, hardinghop^ and hadtoaathiukathatth* 
pip didn't want, and got pratt^ low down. Than ha 
thoniM it waa a piattgr good lehama to ba gatting aroond 




WIMUttT HI OOf «0 



hooMk when Hucr had three meala a daj, and i^ring mat- 
tiaaaaa; and lie atartad home, beating him mj on traina, 
and ha didnt know whether the old man wonld Teedre 
him with open azma or pointed booti; bnt the old man 
to the dapot to meet Ua, and rig^ llMn, 



nOE't BAD MT. 



bafon tht pMMBim, and Iht condoalor and bnkMnm, Im 
wint Mhaimd of Ua bogr, thon^ h* wu nnii, aiid 
lookMl M thon^ h« had baa on tha war path; and tha 
old man f aU on Ua naek and wapt, and todt him boma in 
a haak, and had vaal pot pia f or dinner. That'a what I 
aallaHiaa. A food naaj man now daja wonid haTa pat tha 
poUea oo tha tramp and had him ordarad ont of town. 
What, aia jm going to aloaa np tha atorat WeU, I wiU aaa 
yog latar. I want to talk with 70a abont aomathing that 
ia wai^iing on my mind," and tha boj got «nit joat in 
tima to aava hia eoat tail from baing ean^t in the door, 
and when the gtoeery man eama baek from biaakfaat he 
fonnd a aign in front: 



THIS STOBE 18 GLOBED TILL 
rUBTBEB NOTICE. 

SHEBIFr. 



THB OBOCBT IflN IHD 



OHAPTBB XVm 



THB DIPISISD BOOBTBB. 



"Wl^y dont yon take an iee piok and dean the dirt out 
from under yonr finger naibt" fsaid the grooety man to 
the bad b^, ai he oame into the store and stroked the eat 
the wnwg way aa ahe li^ in the aim on the eonnter, on a 
qaire of manilla paper. 

"Oant remove the dirt for thirty days — ^it is an emblem 
of mourning. Had a fnneral at onr house, yesterdqr," 
and the boy took a pickle oat of a tub and put it in the 
eat'i month, and shnt her teeth together on it, and then 
went to the dioweaae, while the gioeery man, whose baok 
had been tamed daring the pickle exercise, thooght by 
the way the eat jnmped iato the dried apple barrel and 
began to paw and scratch with all four of her feet, and 
yowl, that she was jroing to have a fit 

"I hadnt heard abont it," said the groceiy man, as he 
took the eat by the neck and tossed her out in the back 
shed into an <dd oyster box fall of sawdast, with a parting 
injnnetion iliat it she was going to have fits she had better 
go oat wheia there waa plenty of fresh air. "Death is 
always a sad thing to oontemplate. One day we are fall 
of health and joy and cold vietaals, and the next we are 
■erawed down in a box, a few words are said over oar 
xamains, a few tear* shed, and there is a race to see who 
riMll get baek from the cemeteiy first; and thongfr we may 
think we are an important factor in the world'a progreai, 
and sometimes feel aa thon(^ it wonld be nnable to pat np 



nCK'a BAD BOT. 



margini, and have to stop the deal, the world goes right 
along, and it most annoy people who die to realize that 
th^ don't count for game. The greatest man in the world 
ia only a nine spot when he is dead because somebody else 
takes the trick the dead man ought to have taken. But, 
say, who is dead at your house t" 

"Our rooeterl Take care, don't you hit me with that 
canvassed hami" said the bqy as the grocery man looked 
mad to learn that there was nobody dead but a rooster, 
when he had preached such a sermon on the sabject. "Tes, 
how soon we are forgotten when we are gone. Now, yon 
would have thought that rooster's hen would have 
remained faithful to him for a week at least I bave 
watched them all the spring, and I never saw a more per- 
fect picture of devotion than that between the bantam 
rooster and his hen. They were constantly together and 
there was nothing too good for her. He would dig up 
angle worms and call her, and when she came up on a 
gallop and saw the great big worm on the ground, she 
would look so proud of her rooster, and he would straigthen 
up and look as though he was saying to her, 'I'm a dai^,' 
and then she would look at him as if she would like to bite 
him, and just as she was going to pick up the worm he 
would snatch it and swallow it himself, and chueUe and 
walk around and be full of business, as though wondering 
why she didn't take the worm after he had dug it for her, 
and then the hen would look disappointed at first, and then 
she would look resigned, as much as to say, 'Worms are too 
rich for my blood anyway, and the poor dear rooster needs 
them more than I do, because he has to do all the crowing;' 
and she would go off and find a grasshopper and eat it on 
the sly for fear he would see her and complain because she 
didn't divide. O, I have never seen anything that seemed 
to me so human as the relations between that rooster and 



96 



TBI OBOOBBY HAM AMD 



hen. He ieemed to try to do everything lor her. He would 
make her rtop cackling when die laid an egg, and he would 
try to cackle, and crow over it as though he had laid it, and 
■he would get off in a comer and duck in a modest, retiring 
manner, as though she wished to convey the idea to the 
servant girls in the kitchen that the rooster had to do all 
the hard work, sad she was only a useless appendage, fit 
only for society and company for him. Bnt I was dis- 
gusted with him when the poor hen was setting. The first 
week that she sat on the eggs he seemed to get along first- 
rate, because he had a couple of flower beds to dig up, 
whidi a press of business had caused him to negleet before, 
and a couple of neighbors' gardens to destroy, so he seemed 
to be glad to have his hen retire to her boudoir to set, but 
after he had been shooed out of the gardens and fiower 
beds he seemed to be nervous, and evidently wanted to be 
petted, and he world go near the hen and she would seem 
to tell him to go and take a walk around the block, because 
she hadn't time to leave her business, and if she didn't 
attend to it they would have a lot of spoiled egp on their 
hands, and no family to bring up. He would sodd, sad 
seem to teU her that it was aU foolishness, that for his part 
he didnt want to hear a lot of chickens squawking around. 
He would seem to argue with her that a brood of chickens 
would be a dead give-away on them both, and they would 
be at once daased as old folks, while if they were alone in 
the world th^ would be spring chickens, and could go in 
young society, but the hen would scold back, and teU him 
he ought to be ashamed of himself to talk that way, and he 
would go off mad, and snlk around a spell, and then go to 
a neighbor's hen house and sometimes he wouldn't come 
back till the next day. The hen would be sorry ahe had 
spoken so oross, and would seem pained at his going away 
and would look anxiously for his return, and when he came 



fxck'8 bad bot. 



97 



back after being out in the rain all nii^t, the would be 
■olieitiana after hig health, and tell him he on^t to wrap 
KHnething around him, but he acted as though he didn't 
care for his health, and he would go out again and get 
chilled through. Finally the hen come off the nest with 
ten ohiekens, and the rooster seemed very proud, and when 
anybody eame out to have a look at them he would crow, 
and seemed to say th^ were all his ohiekens, though the 
hen was a long time hatching them, and if it had been him 
that was setting on them he could have hatched them out 
in a week, or died a tiying. But the exposure told on him, 
and he went into a decline, and one morning we found him 
dead. Do you know, I never see a hen that seemed to 
realiae a calamity as she did. She looked pale, and her 
«yes looked red, and the seemed to be utterly crushed. If 
the ehiekena, which were so young they oonld not realize 
that they were little orphans^ bectune noisy, and got to 
pulling and hauling over a wonn, and conducted ttiem- 
advea in an unseemly manner she would talk to them in 
hen language, with tears in her cgres, and it was a picture 
of woe. But the next day a neighboring rooster got to 
lotting through the f enee from the alley, and trying to 
flirt with her. At first she was indi^iut, and seoned to 
tell him he oue^t to go about his business, and leave her 
alone, but the dude kept clucking, and pretty soon the 
widowed hen edged up toward the fence, and adced him to 
OMue in, but the hole in the fence was too small for him, 
and then the chickens went out in the alley, and the hen 
followed them out I shall always think she told the 
ehiekens to go out, so she would have an excuse to go after 
them, and flirt with the rooster, and I think it is a perfeet 
shame. She is out in the all^y half the time, and I could 
enff her. It seems to me wrong to so soon forget a deceased 
rooster, but I suppose a hen ean't be any more than 



98 



TBI aiOOIBT MAM iMO 



Inunan. Btf, joa don't want to \mj • detd rooiter 4o yout 
Ton eonld piek it and aell it to lomabody that owm 700. 
for a q>riiig ehiekan. 

"No, T don't want any deeeaMd ponltiy, tliat died of 
grief, and 70a better go liome and watoh 70ar hen, or you 
TTill be bereaved aome more," and the grocery man went 
ont in the ihed to aee if the eat waa over ito flt, and when 
he eame Ymek the bQ7 waa gone, and after a while the 
groeery man aaw a erowd 4n' front of the store and he went 
ont and found the dead rooster l7ing on the vegetable 
stand, with a paper pinned on its breast on which was a 
sign: 

THIS BU8TES DIED OF OOLIX 

FOR BALE CBEAP 
TO BOABDINO HOUSE ONLY. 

He took the dead nmster and tiirew it out in the street, 
and looked up and down the street for the bad bo7, and 
went in and hid a raw hide where he could reach it hand7. 



nOSlB SID BOT. 



CHAPTHBXEK. 



om Mon joKB OK ram out iuk. 

"I we yonr Pa wheeling the bal^ anmnd a good deal 
lately," «aid the groceiy in|ui to the bad boy, as he eame in 
the itote one evening to buy a stick of striped peppermint 
candy for the baby, while his Pa stopped the baby wagon 
out on the sidewalk and waited for the boy, with an ex- 
prearion of resignation on his face. 

"What's got into yonr Pa to be norse girl this hot 
wenOert" 

"0, we have had a einma at onr hoaae," said the boy, as 
he eame in after putting the candy in the baby's hand. 
"Ton see. Uncle Ezra came back from Chicago, where he 
had bean to sell some cheese, and he stopped over a 
couple of days with us, and he said we must play one mon 
joke on Pa before he went home. We played it, and it is a 
wonder I am aUve, because I nerer saw Pa so mad in my 
life. Now this is the last time I go into any jokes on shares. 
If I play any more jokes I don't want any old unele to 
give me away." 

"What is itt" said the grocery man, as he took a stool 
and shC out by the front door beaide the toy who was trying 
to eat a box of red raspberries on tbe sly. 

"Well, uncle Ezra and me bribed the nurse girl to dress 
up the baby one evening in some old, dirty baby clothes, 
belonging to our wash woman's baby, and we put H in a 
baaket and placed the basket on the front door step, and 
put a note in the badtet and addressed tt to Pa. W« had 



100 



THB OROOIBT lUM AKD 



the noTM girl ctay ont in front, by the buement itairs, m 
the babjr oonldnt get away and ihe rang the bell and got 
behind aomething. Ma and Pa, and Unele Ezra and ine 
were in the back parlor when the bell rang, and Ma told 
me to go to the door, and I brought in the baaket, and let it 
down, and told Pa there waa a note in it for him. Ma, ahe 
came np and looked at the note aa Pa tore it open, and 
Uncle Ezra looked in the basket and aij^ied. Pa read part 
of the note and stopped and tamed pale, and sat down, 
then Ma read some of it, and ahe didn't feel very well, and 
she leaned against the piano and grated her teeth. The 
note was in a girl's handwriting, and waa like this : 

"Old Bald Hiadkd Pki : — 

Ton will have to take oare of 
your ebild, beoause I cannot Bring it np tenderly, and 
don't, for heaven's sake, send it to the Foundling Asylnm. 
I shall go drown myself. 

Toar loving, 



"What did your Ma sayf" said the grocery man, be- 
eoming interested. 

"0, Ma played her part well. Uncle Ezra had told her 
the joke, and she said, ' 'retch,' to Pa, just as the actresses 
do on the stage, and put her handkerchief to her qrea. Pa 
said it was 'false,' and Undo Ezra said, 'O, brother, that I 
should live to see this day,' and I said, aa I looked in the 
basket, 'Pa, it looks just like you, and IT! leave it to Ma.' 
That was too much, and Pa got mad in a minute. He al- 
ways gets mad at me. But he went np and looked in the 



nCK's BAD BOT. 



101 



basket, and he said it was some Dntch baby, and waa evi- 
dently from the lower itrata of society, and the nnnatnral 
mother wanted to get rid of it, and he said he didn't know 




0, BBOTHBB, THAT I SHOULD UVB TO 8m THIS DAT. 

any 'Almira' at aU. When he caUed it a Dutch baby, and 
ealled attention to its irregolar features, that made Ma 
mad, and she took it up out of the basket and told Pa it 
waa a perfect picture of him, and tried to put it in Pa's 



IW 



KAN Am 



MBW, 'imt ha wonldnt httn it, and Mid he woald sail the 
police and h»Te it taken to Ihe poor home. Unole Bxra 
took Pa in a corner and told him the beet thing he oonld 
do would be to lee 'Almira' and oompromiae with her, and 
that made Pa mad, and he waa going to hit Unole Bara 
with a chair. Pa waa perfectly wild, and if he had a gun I 
gncH he would have shot all of na. Ma took the bahy up 
itain and had the girl put it to bed, and after Pa got mad 
enon^ Unole Ezra told him it waa all a joke, and it waa 
hii own baby, that we had put in the baaket, and then he 
waa madder than ever, and he told Uncle Ezra never to 
darken his door again. I don't know how he made up 
with Ma for calling it a Dutch baby from the Polack aettle- 
ment, but anyway, he wheeb it around every day, and Ma 
and Pa have got so they apeak again." 

"That waa a mighty mean trick, and yon ought to be 
aahamed of yourself. Where do yon expect to fetch up 
when you diet" said the grocery man. 

"I told Unde Eira it was a mean trick," aaid the boy, 
"but he aaid that wasn't a priming to some of the tricks Pa 
had played on him years ago. He says Pa used to play 
tricks on everybody. I may be mean, but I never played 
wicked jokes on blind people aa Pa did when he waa a boy. 
Uncle Bar* says once there was a party of four blind vooal- 
ista, all girls, gave an entertainment at the town where Pa 
lived, and they stayed at the hotel where Pa tended bar. 
Another thing I never aold mm, either, as Pa did. Well, 
before the blind vocalista went to bed Pa caught a lot of 
frogc and put them in the beda where the girls were to 
sleep, and when the poor blind girls got into bed the frogs 
hopiwd over them, and the way they got out was a caution. 
It is bad enoni^ to have frogs hopping all over girla that 
can see, but for girls that are deprived of their eight, and 



ncK'i UD aor. 



108 



don't know what anything ii, ezeapt bj the fMling of it, 
it looks to me like a pretty tongh joke. I gneM Pa ia tony 
now for wliat he did, 'oanie when onele Eira told the ftt)g 
■tory, I bron^t home a frog and pnt it in Pa'i bed. Pa 
hat been afraid of paralyiia for yean, and when hia leg, or 
anything get* asleep, he thinks that ia the end of him. 
Before bedtime I tamed the oonvenation onto paralysis, 
and told abont a man about Pa's age having it on the West 
Side, and Pa was nervotis, and soon after he retired I gness 
the frog wanted to get acquainted with Fa, 'cause he yelled 
six kinds of murder, and we went into hia room. Tou 
know how cold a frog is t Well, you'd dide to sAe Pa. He 
laid still, and said his end had oomj, and Uncle Bcra aaked 
him if it was the end with the head on nr the feet, and Pa 
told him paralysis had marked him for a yietim, and he 
eonld feel that his left leg was beeoming dead. He said 
he could feel the cold, clammy hand of death walking up 
him, and he wanted Ma to put a bottle of hot water to his 
feet Ha got the bottle of hot water and put it to Pa's 
feet, and the cork eame out and Pa said he was dead, sure 
enough, now, because he was hot in the extremities, and 
that a cold ware was going up his leg. Ha asked him 
where the cold wave was, and he told her, and she thought 
she would rub it, but she began to yell the same kind of 
murder Pa did, and she said a snake bad gone up her 
sleeve. Then I thought it was time to stop the circus, and 
I reached up Ha's lace sleeve and caught the frog by the 
leg and pulled it out, and told Pa I guessed he had taken 
my frog to bed with him, and I showed it to him, and then 
he said I did it, and he would maul me so I could not get 
up alone, and he said that a boy that would do such a thing 
would go to hell as sure as preaehin', and I asked him if 
he thought a man who put frogs in the beds with blind 



IM 



TBB OMXnBT MAK AMD 



(iito, wban he wm ■ boy, wonld get to heaTMi, and tkn 
he told me to lite ont, and I lit I gn«M Pa wiU fed better 
when Uncle Bn» go«i away, 'oanee he thinki Unole Bira 
talki too nrach alwnt old timea. Well, here oomea oar baby 
wagon, and I gneai Pa hai done penanoe long enon^ and 
I will go and wheel the kid awhUe. Say, you oall Pa in, 
after I take the baby wagon, and tell him yon don't know 
how he wonld get along without luch a nice boy ai me, and 
yon can charge it in our next month's bill." 



nOB's MM MT. 



106 



OHAPTBB XZ. 



rainfra or jd(.t Kouoymrnnm. 



"Here, ocaulenm yon, yon will pay for that eat," laid 
Um gtoeery man to the bad boy, a* ke eame in the store all 
hreke np, the morning after the 4th of July. 

"What oatt" laid the boy, ai he leaned againit the 
aine iee box to eool hii back, whidi had been having trouble 
with a bnneh of Are eraeken in hia piatol poeket. "We 
kaTsnt ordered any eat from here. Who oidered any cat 
lent to onr honaet We get onr lanaage at the market," 
and the boy rubbed lome eold oream on hia note and eye- 
browi whare the akin waa off. 

"Tm, that ia all ri|^t enoni^," aaid the groeeiy man, 
"but noMbody who knew where that oat alept, in .the box 
«t aawdnat, back of the (tore, filled it full of fire oraokeni, 
W adneaday forenoon, when I was ont to see the procession, 
aad never notified the eat, and tonehed them off, und the 
eat went throat the roof of the shed, and she hain't got 
hair anoo^ left on her to put in tea. Now, you didn't 
ahow up all the forenoon, and I went and asked your Ma 
where you was, and she said yon had been sitting up four 
Bi(^ atrnif^t along with a sick boy in the Third Ward, 
aad yon was deeping all the forenoon the 4th of July. If 
that is so, that lets yon out on the oat, but it don't stand to 
reaaon. Own np, now, was you asleep all the forenoon, the 
4th, while c*her bqys were celebrating, or did yon seorch 
By cati" and the grooeiy man looked at the boy as tliongh 
he would beUare every word he said, if he tooi bad. 



106 



TBB OMCBrr UJM Am 



"Well," Mid tlM Iwd boj M h* yawiMd M thouth ht hsd 
boan ap all nii^t, "I am iimooant of •> tine vp with Jtm 
ast,lmtIplMdgiiUi7toiittiiiciipwiaiDDi(r. Tmm«,I 
tm bad, and it don't make any diflarenoa wlwn I am, and 
Dni^ thnmped me onoe when we were plajing maihlw, 
and I ' ' I would get eren with him iome time. Hi* Ma 
waahaa for at, and when ihe told me that her boy wu iieic 
with ferer, and had nobody to itay with him while ihe wa* 
away, I thought it wonld bo a good way to get even with 
DnSy, when he waa weak, and I went down there to hie 
•hanty and gave him his medicine, and read to him all 
day, and he cried 'eauie he knew I ou^t to hare manled 
him, and that night I lat np with him while his Ha did the 
ironing, and Dntty was so glad that I went down every day 
and stayed there every night, and fired medicine down 
him, and let his Ma aleef', and Dxdty has got mashed on 
me, and he says I will be an angel when I die. Last night 
makes five ni^ts I have sat np with him, and he has got so 
he ean eat beef tea and eraoken. My girl went baek on 
ma 'eanse she said I was sitting np with some other girL 
She said that Duffy story was too thin, but Dnlly's Ma wu 
WMhing at my girl's house and she proved what I said, 
and I was all right again. I slept all the forenoon the 4th, 
and then stayed with Du£Cy till four o'doek, and got a 
furlough and took my girl to the Soldiers' Home. I had 
rather set up with Dnfl>: though." 

"0, get out. Yon can't make me believe you had rather 
stay in a sick room and set up with a boy, than to take a 
girl to the 4th of July," said the grocery man, as he took a 
brush and wiped the sawdust off some bottles of pepper- 
sauce that he was taking out of a box. "Yon didn't have 
any trouble with the girl, did you t " 

"No,— net with her," said the boy, as he looked into the 
littie round zinc mirror to see if his eye br ows were begin- 



noKt •Aoaor. 



lo; 



ningtogMw. "But hw P» to lo nnwMo n i bl e, I think • 
gun 00^ to know betttr than to Uek • bof ri|^ wImn 
h* hai had • paek • Art onekm Mplode in Ua poektt 
Ton Me, when I broni^t the girl baek home, (he wm • 
wreek. Dont yon erer take a girl to the 4th of July. 
Take the adTioe of a boy who haa expwienee. "We hadn't 
more than got to the Soldton' Home ground before aome 
boja who were plajring tag grabbed hold of nqr giri't 
emihed-atrawber^ polonaiee and ripped it off. That 
made her mad^and ihe wanted me to take offenie at it, and 
I tried to reaion with the boys and they both jumped on 
me, and T lee the only way to get oat of it honorably, was 
to get out real spry, and I got out Then we sat down 
under a tree, to eat lunch, and my girl swallowed a piekle 
the wrong way, and I pounded her oii the back, the way 
Ma uoes when I ohoke, and she yelled, and a polieeman 
grabbed me and shook me, and asked me what I was hurt- 
ing that poor girl for, and told me if I did it again he 
would airest me I Everything went wrong. After dark 
somebody llred a Soman candle into my girl's hat, and 
set it on fire, and I grabbed the hat and stamped on it, 
and spoiled the hair her Ma bought her. By gosh, I 
thoui^t her hair was curly, but when the wig waa olf , her 
hair was as straight as conld be. But she was party, all 
the same. We got under another tree, to get away from 
the smell of burned hair, and a boy set oil a nigger ehaser, 
and it ran rif^t at my girl's feet, and bnmed her stock- 
inga, and a woman put the Are out for her, while I looked 
^r the hay tiiat fired the nigger ehaser, but I didn't want 
to find him. She waa pretty near a wreck by that time, 
thooi^ she had all her dress left except the polonaise, snd 
we went and sat under a tree in a quift place, and I put 
my arm anmnd her and told her never to mind the aed- 
dents, 'cause it would be dark when we got home, and just 



108 



THI OROOEBT HAM UtD 



then k ipark dropped down thiong^ the trees and fell in 
my piatol pooket, ri{^t next to her, where my bonoh of 
fire crackers was, and they began to go off. Well, I nevet 
saw sneh a sight as she was. Her dress was one of these 
mosquito bar, cheese cloth dresses, and it bnmed just like 
punk. I had pretence of mind enoa'jh to roll her on the 
grass and pnt out the fire, bnt in doing that I neglected 
my own conflagration, and when I got her put out, my 
coat tail and tronsers were a total loss. My, bnt she looked 
like a goose that had been picked, and I looked like a fire- 
man that fell throngh a hatchway. My girl wanted to go 
home, and I took her home, and her Fa was setting on the 
front steps, and he wouldn't accept her, looking that way. 
He said he placed in my possession a whole girl, clothed in 
her right mind, and I had brought back a bomt offering 
He teaches in oar Sunday school, and knows how to talk 
pious, bnt his boots are ofFol thick. I tried to explain thr.t 
I was not responsible for the fireworks, and that he could 
bring in a bill against the government and I showed him 
hovr I was bereaved of a coat tail and some pants, bnt he 
wouldn't reason at all, and when his foot hit me I thought 
it was the resurrection, sore, and when I got over the 
fence, and had picked myself up, I never stopped till I 
got to Dufi^'s and I set up with him, cause I thought okT 
pa was after me, and I thought he wouldn't enter a sick 
room and maul a watcher at the bedside of an invalid. 
But that settles it with me about celebrating. I don't care 
if we did whip the British, after declaring independence, 
I don't want my pants burnt off. What is the declaration 
of independence good for to a girl who loses her polonaise, 
and has her hair burnt off, and a nigger chaser burning 
her stockings : No, sir, they may talk about the glorions 
4th of July, bnt will it bring back that blonde wig, or re- 
tail my cotttt Hereafter I am a rebel, and I w31 go oat 



pcok's bad bot. 



109 



in the wood* the w^ Pa doei, and oome home with a 
blaak eye, got in a rational way." 

"What, did yonr Pa get a black eye, toot I hadn't 
heard aboat that," laid the grooery man, giving the boy a 
handful of unbaked peanuts to draw him oat. "Didnt 
get to fleeting, did het" 

"No, Pa dont fl^t It is wrong, he says, to fight, un- 
less yon are sore yon can whip the fellow, and Pa always 
gets whipped, so he quit fighting. Ton see, one of the 
deaeons in our church lives out on a farm, and his folks 
were going away to spend the 4th, and he had to do all the 
chores, so he invited Pa and Ma to come out to the farm 
and have a nice quiet time, and they went. There is 
nothing Pa likes better than to go out on a farm, and pre- 
tend he knows everything. When the fanner got Pa and Ha 
out tiiere he set them to work, and Ma shelled peas while Pa 
went to dig potatoes for dinner. I think it was mean for 
the deacon to send Pa out in the com field to dig potatoes, 
and set the dog on Pa, and tree him in i-a apple tree near 
the bee hives, and then go and visit with Ma and leave Pa 
in the tree with the dog barking at him. Pa said he never 
knew how mean a deacon could be, until he had set on a 
limb of that apple tree all the afternoon. About time 
to do chores the farmer came and found Pa, and called the 
dog off, and Pa came down, and then the farmer played 
the meanest trick of alL He said city people didn't know 
how to milk cows, and Pa said he wished he had as many 
dollars as he knew how to milk cows. He said his speehulty 
was milking kicking cows, and the farmer gave Pa a tin 
pail and a milking stool and let down the bars, and pointed 
out to Pa 'the worst eow on tiie place. ' Pa knew his repu- 
tation was at stake, and he went up to the cow and punch- 
ed it in the fiank and said, "hist, confound yon." Well, 
the eow wasn't a liiiting cow, but a histing bull, and Pa 



uo 



TBI OBOOIBT KAM iXB 



kMW it w- . ta31 » qidok « he «. »* P"*^*!^"^ 
.Bd bdler. uid P. dropped the piUl «« ■*»?• «?*. ^ 
tethebi..«idthebuUafterP.. I dont ttank it inu 




FA 'w»ra TO MO wtjoem torn wiwm. 

right in M. to bet two shilling, with ti« tem" tij.t P. 
3d get to the b«s befo« the ^^^'^"^^"JZ 



the bet Pa iMd he knew it wm 



I hall jnit u ioon Mthe 



, /'^^P* 



nOK'8 BAD BOT. 



lU 



homa got tangled np in his coait tail, and when he stmck 
on the other side of the ban, and his now hit the ash barrel 
where they make lye for soap. Pa said he saw more &» 
works than we did at the Solders' Home. Pa wnnldnt 
celebrate any more, and he oame home after thanking the 
farmer for his oonrtesies, bnt he wants me to borrow a gon 
and go out with him hunting. We are going to shoot a 
boll and a dog and some bees, maybe we will shoot the 
farmer, if Pa keeps on as mad ab he is now. Well, we 
won't have ano ler 4th of Jnly for a year, and may be by 
that time my girl's polonaise and hair will grow ont, and 
that boll may become gentle so Pa can milk it Ta-ta. " 



112 



TBX OBOOBBT MAM AND 



CHAPTBE XXI. 



WOBKINO ON SONSAY. 

"HeUo " said the grooeiy man to the bad boy a» he 
came in looking sick at heart, and aU broke up. "How u 
your muscle thi« morning!" 

"AU right enon^" «rid the boy with a look of inqMry, 
as though wondering what wa« craning next "Whyt" 

"O, nothing, only I was going to grind the hatchet, and 
some knives and things, this morning, and I thought maybe 
you would like to go out in the shed and turn the grind- 
stone for me to develop your muscles. Tummg the gnnd- 
itone is the healthiest thing a boy can do." 

"That is an ri^it enou^" said the bad boy, aa he took 
np a sweet cracker, "but please take a good look at me. Do 
I look Uke a grindstone boyt Do I resemble a good httle 
boy that can't say 'no,' and goes off and turns a grmd- 
rtone half a day for some old duffer, who pays tan ly 
giving him a handful of green currants, c- telling hun to 
will be a man some day, and the boy goes oft one way, with 
a lame back, while the good man goes the other way with 
a sharp scythe, and a chuc^e at the softness of the boyt 
Ton are mistsken in me. I have passed the grindrtone 
period, and you will have to pick up another sardme who 
has never done circular work. Not any grindstone for 
Hennery, if you please." 

"■Jon are getting too smart," said the grooery mim as he 
charged a pound of sweet crackers to the boy's father. 



nOK'S BAD BOT. 



118 



"Yoa don't have to torn the grinditone if yon don't want 
to." 

"That's what I thonght," says the boy aa he takes a 
handfnl of blneberriea. "Ton grindstone sharps, who are 
always laying for a fool boy to give tafl^ to, and get him 
to break his back, don't play it fine eaoagk. Yon bear too 
bard on the grindstone. I have seen the time when a man 
oonld get me to torn the grindstone for him till the oows 
oome home, by making me believe it waa fnn, and by tell- 
ing me he never saw a boy that seemed to throw so mnoh 
•nnl into turning a grindstone as I did, but I have fonnd 
that sneh men are hypocrites. Th«y inveigle a bqy into 
their nest, like the spider does the fly, and at first they 
don't bear on hard, but jnst let the blade of tiie axe or the 
sgythe touch the grindstone, and they make a boy believe 
he is a bigger man than old Grant They bet him he will 
get tiled, and he beta that he can turn a grindstone aa 
long aa anybody, and when the boy has got his reputation 
at stake, then they begin to bear on hard, and the boy gets 
tired but he holds out, and when the tools are ground h« 
says he is as freah as a daiqr, when he is tired enough to 
die. Such men do more to teaoh- boys the hollownea of 
the world, and its tricky features, than anything, and 
th«y teach boys to know who are friends and who are foes. 
No, sir, the best way is to hire a grown person to turn your 
grindstone. I remember I tnmed a grindstone four hours 
for a farmer once, and when I got t!ironc^ he said I could 
go to the spring and drink all the water I w«iit«d for 
nothing. He was the tightest man I ever saw. Why, ti^t! 
That man waa tight enough to hold kerosene." 

"That's all right Who wanted you to turn the grind- 
.Btone, anyway t But what is it about y or Pa and Ma be- 
ing turned out of chnreht I hear thqr SMndalized them- 
selves horribly last Sunday." 



114 



THBOBooBr 1UX um 



"WaU, jwi -«MM Mid my ehnm put np • )«* «»/• *° 
iMto Urn thing STmd«y wM only Saturday «nd Ma ihe feU 

into H, and I go«i we are aU going to get Awd *rom the 
SS^ for wortog on Snnday. Ton «e a^<l«^ ^ 
mertin' laat Sunday becau« Ma', new bonnet h«ln t 




IT WABK-* UWO "««■ ««J« «■«»** «"*«" °"™°°- 

come, and Monday and Tuesday it rained, and the rert ol 
r^eek waaT^uddy no one edled^ or ^^^jdd nrt 
get anywhere. «) Monday I did out early and got the dw^ 
paperT »d <« Tu-^ n.y ohum he g(rt the paper off th. 



pick'b bad bot. 



us 



itepi and pnt Hondagr's pap«r in iti plaoe. I watahed 
when th«y were reading it, bat they did not notice the 
date. Then Wedneadajr we pat TaeiMlay'i paper on the 
itepi, and Pa aaid it leemed more than TneAlay, bnt ICa 
■he got the paper of the day before and looked at the 
date and said it aeemed so to her, bnt ihe gaeMed they 
had lost a day lomehow. Thoieday we got Wedneeday'a 
paper on the itepa, and Friday we rung in Thursday's 
paper, and Saturday my ehnm he got Friday's paper on 
the steps, and Ma said die guessed she would wash to-mor- 
row, and Fa said he believed he woald hoe in the garden 
and get the weeds out so it would look better to folks when 
they went by Sunday to ehureh. Well, Sunday morning 
eame, and with it Saturday's daily paper, and Pa barely 
glaneed oyer it as he got on his OTeralls and went oat in his 
shirt sleeves a-hoeing in the front garden, and I and my 
ohnm helped Ma cany water to wash. She said it seemed 
the longest week she ever saw, bnt when we brought the 
water, and took a plate of pickles to the hired girl that 
was down with the mumps, we got in the lilac bashes and 
waited for the curtain to rise. It wasn't long before folks 
began going to chureh> and you'd a dide laughing to see 
them all stop in front of where Ma was washing and look 
at her, and then go on to where Pa was hoeing weeds and 
stop and look at him and then drive on. • After about a 
dozm teams had passed I heard Ma ask Pa if he knew who 
was dead, as there most be a funeral somewhere. Pa had 
just hoed into a bumble-bee's nest and said he did not 
know of any that was dead, but knew some tiiat ought to 
be, and Ma she did not ask any foolish questions any more. 
After about twenty teams had stopped, Ma she got nervous 
and asked Deaeon Smith if he saw anything green; he 
said something about desecration, and drove away. Deaecm 
Brown asked Pa if he did not think he was setting a bad 



U0 nm miamt lux AMD 

wl«re th«y could not «. h«r. ^'^^l^'^^iKTe 
,^ ^ «w . down of o«r <«««"«^ iTV taL it 
,Mnirt«r, «le into our yird. ttd my ehnm «*I J^* 
^Ttoe to fly. «. ^e got on the bwk^ whwe^ eo^d 

I^^. mrt them .t the door. «P«»«»«."«-. ^"^JT^ 
t:^^h«n ih«y were .eUed. M. A. ^.^J^ ^^ 
^ tt WM a TBry unhealthy year, and rt rtood P-opi* ™ 

ss -rr.:: S'mTp.i': «d wond^^o ,. 

^ ta. and p. «y^ ' Wt keep u. in ^u^n.^ who - 
^,. «d the elder ^ no one wa. dead; hut Jh^ 
Stod r. duly they owed the «««e to tdw aehon on 
SSffo" ^oiiSfrSunday. Ma. -he i^J;-^; »J 
they threw a piteher of water down her ^«^ «* ?*^^ 
heroewd they were a pack of lunation but Uiv "n "^w 

action on them. Then there waa a lew "^ 
;^^ I eould not catch, and then we l««d ^ata A 
^n^ over and -y it waa more tnek. of f**J^ 
wTen we knew tt wa. time to adjourn, and I wa.^ 
Si,^thron«h the b«* fence « Pa «««hed^mew^^ 

W rtaye. and thaf. what make, """..l™?*?"',,,,,^ 
^-That wM real mean in you hoy.." Mid the grooery 
„ J^'K^^ hard for your Pa and Ma to ««plam 
rtitt nutter Jurt think how bad they murt feel. 
%Td^n'tSow. I r--'-'''*^^' JIT'S 
Ten* teU how 'they fooled their father once, and got him 
to^ ^n^" S^ gri^t. on Sunday, and Pa -d h« w-J* 
IS «yl»dy to fool him on the day of the week. I dont 



rKKt BID Bor. 



tn 



tUnk • man aof^ to Umi* hb UM* boy bf datriiW Un 
totoolhkfktlwr. "WiU, Illtakaa^Miof jrooriiflgrMnt 
eider uid go," aod •oon the gnieiry man looked ont of 
the window end found eomebodjr had added a eiphar to 
the "Sweet eider, taij five eenta a ^aa," make it an 
ezpenaiTe drink, eonaidering it wu made of aoar M>plaa. 



lU 



TO OKXaBT MiM AMD 



OHAPTBB XZn. 

THB OU KAH AWrOU>T BUUTM). 

"Oome in," Mid the grocery mwi to tlie b«d bojr, •• the 
Tonth ftood om the itepi in m nneertain eort of a way, ae 
tiMO^ he did not know whether he would be welcome or 
not "I tell yon, boy, I pi^r you. I undwrtand your Pa 
ha. got to drinking again. It ii too bad. Icantthinkof 
anything that humiliatea a boy, and makea him » aihamed 

aTto haw a father that ia in the habit of hoitting in too 
mnehbenone. A boy feeta a. though everybody waa down 
on him, and I don't wonder that «uoh boya oftra turn out 
bad. "What itarted your Pa to drinking againi" 
"0 Ma thinki it waa lonng money on the Ohieago raoea. 
■ You aee, Pa if great on pointera. He don't nanally bet 
uBleM he haa got a iure thing, but when he getai what thqr 
call a pointer, that ia, «»mri)ody ten. him a certain hone ^ 
mre to win. beoaMC the other horaea are to be pulled back, 
te thinks a job haa been put np, and if he thinks he is on 
the imride of the ring he win bet He sayi tt does not do 
any hurt to bet, if you win, and he argues that a man who 
wins lots of monoy can do a great deal of good with It But 
he had to walk home from the Chicago races all the same, 
and he has been steaming ever since. Pa can't stand adrer- 
rity. But I guess we have got him all right now. He is 
the Bcartest man you ever saw," and the boy took a can 
cpmer and began to oat the rinc under the store, just to 
see if it would work as well on sine as on tin. 
"What, you haven't bem dissecting hkn again, have 



pacK'i BAD ■or. 



U» 



jroal" Mkid the groeeiy ouui, u he pnllad • ttool np btdda 
the boy to hear the Mwi. "How did jroahriiiff him to Us 



"Well, Ma tried hmTing the minirter talk to Pa, bat Pa 
talked Bible, about taking a little wine for the itomaeh'i 
take, and gave illnitrations abont Noah getting fall, to the 
miniiter oonldn't braee him ap, and then Ma had lome of 
the liatera oome and talk to him, but he brake them all np 
by talking abont what an appetite they had for cham- 
pagne pnnoh when they were out in eamp lait rammer, 
and they couldn't have aoy effect on him, and eo Ma laid 
■be guened I would liave tr> exjrciie my ingenuity on Pa 
again. Ma hai an idea that I hare got aome eenae yet, lo 
I told her that if nhe would do juat aa I aaid, me and my 
chum would scare Pa so he would iwear off. She said she 
would, and we went to work. First, I took Pa's qMetaeles 
down to an optician Saturday ni^t, and had the glasses 
taken out and a pair put in their place that would mag- 
nify, and I took tkem home and put them in Pa's spectacle 
case. Then I got a suit of clothes from my chum's trunk, 
about half the siie of Pa's dothes. My chum's uncle is a 
very small man, and Pa is corpulent I got n plug hat 
three sizes smaller than Pa's hat, and the name out of Pa's 
hat and put it in the small hat I got a shirt about hal' 
big enough for Pa, and put his initials on the thing under 
the bosom, and got a number fourteen collar. Pa wears 
seventeen. Pa promised to braee up and go to ehiirch 
Sunday morning, and Ma put these small dothes when Pa 
could put them on. I told Ma, when Pa woke up, to tell 
him he looked awfully bloated, and ezdte his curiosity, 
and then send for me." 

"Ton didn't play rach a triek as that on a poor old man, 
did yont" said the grocery man, as a smile came over his 

ttM. 



110 



TBI OBOOiaT MAW AXB 



"Toa bit. DMpmte dtauM waniw «*P«««« *«[^ 
diM. w«U,M«toldP»lWlool»d»whilJyMo«tod,«adai^ 
Us dkripatton wm WUtof hta, «. twU •• "U tbt «* of 
tha tmOj. P» ■•« !»• mwi^ •» *•«'* ****^ 'S 
nrneh. Imt h« got up md put on hit •peetwlw and JoAid 
•t UibmU in tha ^Hi. You'd » did* to ie« him look .t 
UmMlt. Hli £«• lokad m big •• two turn, thnni^ tho 
,lMi,aadbiinoMWMaiicbt P» looted fewed, and thw 




BH BAMO LOOnD UMM A HAM. 



te hdd up hit hmd md looked at that Hii hr-A looked 
lite a *■«"■ Jurt then I came in, and I tunied pala, with 
wme ohalk on my face, and I begun to oiy, and I laid, 'O, 
P», what ails youf Ton are so sweUed up I hardly knew 
yon.' Pa looked sisk to his stomaeh, and then he tried to 
gat on his pants. 0, my, it was all I eonld do to keep from 
landing to see him pull them pants on. He eonld just get 
Us legs in, and whm I got a shoe bora and gave it to Um, 



. noE'k BAD aor. 



lU 



k* iiM owd. Ha wid it wm ■ mMn bogr that would |H« 
Ui P» • tho* horn to put on hb puti irith. Th« panti 
wouldn't ooBM uonnd Pk into ton inehM, and Pa aaid ha 
moat hava «at aomatUng that diaacraed with him, and ha 
laid it to watannalon. Ma atnfFad har handlcerehlaf in har 
month to haap from laiBng, when aba aae Pa look at hiaaalf . 
Tht Ugi of tha panta wera ao ti|^ Pa aonld hardljr 
braatha, and he tumad pale, and aaid : 'Hennerj, jroor Pa 
ia a miijbtr *Uh man,' and tlian Ma and me both lan^kad, 
and ha aaid wa wanted him to die ao we eonid apend hia life 
inaonuiee in riotooa living. But when Pa pot on the eon- 
danaad ahirt. Ma ahe laid down on the loonce and fairly 
TaUad, and I laochad till mj aide aohed. Pa got it orer 
bia bead, and got hia handa in the ileerea, and MmldnH get 
it either way, and he oonldn't lee ni langb, bnt he oonld 
bear na, and he aaid: 'It'a darned ttaiaj, tint it, to have 
a parent awaUed np thia way. If I boat 70a will both be 
aorry.' Well, Ma took hold of one dde of the ehirt, and 
I took hold it the other, and we polled it on, and when 
V»'» bead eame np throni^ the collar, his face waa bine. 
Ma told him ahe was afrdd he woold haTe a stroke of 
apople^ before be got hia clothes on, and I imtfm Fa 
thoni^ ao too. He tried to get the eoUar on, bnt it 
wooldnt go half way aroand his neek, and he looked in 
the i^aaa and eried, he lodced so. He sat down in • ehair 
and panted he waa so out of breath, and the ahirt and panta 
ripped, and Pa said there was no nae living it he was 
gring to be a riTal to a fat woman in the side show. J'nst 
then I pnt the ping bat on his bead, and it waa so small 
it waa going to roll off, when Pa tried to fit it on bis head, 
and then he took it oft and looked Inaide of it to see it it 
waa hia hat, and when he f onnd his name in it, he said, 
'Take it away. Ify bead is all wrong, toe.' Then he told 
me to go for the doetor, mig^ qniek. I got the doetor 



122 



TBI OBOOBBT MAK AMD 



and told him what we were trying to do wifli Pa, and he 
said he would finish the job. So the Doc. eame in, and Fa 
was on the lonnge, and when the Doe. saw him, he nid h 
was Incky he was called just as he was or we would ha^e 
required an undertaker. He put some pounded ice on Pa's 
head the first thing, ordered the shirt out open, and we 
got the pants off. Then he gave Pa an emetic, and had 
his feet soaked, and Pa said, 'Doc, if yon will bring me out 
of this I will never drink another drop.' The Doc. told Pa 
that his life was not worth a button if he ever drank again, 
and left about half a pint of sugar pills to be fired into Pa 
every five minutes. Ua and me sat up with Pa all day 
Sunday, and Monday morning I changed the spectacles, 
and took the clothes home, and along about noon Pa said 
he felt as though he could get up. Well, yon never see a 
tickleder man than he was when he found the swelling had 
gone down so he eonld get his pants and shirt on, and he 
says that doctor is the best in this town. Ma says I am a 
smart boy, and Pa has taken the pledge, and we arc all 
right. Say, you dont think there is anything wrong in a 
boy playing it on his Pa once in a while, do youf " 

"Not much. Ton have very likely saved you Pa's life. 
No, sir, joking ia all right when by so doing you can break 
a person of a bad habit," and the grocery man cut a ehew 
off a piece of plug that was on the counter, which the boy 
had soaked in kerosene, and before he had fairiy got it 
rolled in his cheek, he spit it out and began to gag, and as 
the boy started leisurely out the door, the grocery man 
said, "Look-a-here, condemn you, dont you ever tamper 
with my tobacco again, or, hy thunder. 111 maul ytm," 
and he followed the boy to the door, spitting eotton all the 
way; and, as the bof went around the comer, ti>e groosfy 
man tiion^t how different a joke seemed when it waa •■ 



peck's bad bot. 



123 



(omebody die. And then he tamed to go in and rioM the 
keroiene ont of his month, and t-mni a lign on a box of 
new green apples, aa follow::; 

COUO OB CHOimA. INPAITVM 

YOV PAYS rCOi I'OyEY 

AND TAKXS YOUR CBOICE. 



IM 



THI OROOBIT lUM tSD 



CHAPTER XXIII. 



A QBAND BBHIABSAIi. 



"I am thy father's ghost," said a sheeted form m the 
doorway of the grocery, one evening, and the grocery man 
got behind the cheese box, while the ghost continued in a 
sepulchral voice, "doomed for a certain time to walk the 
night," and, waving a chair round, the ^lost strode up to 
the grocery man, and with the other ghostly hand reached 
into a box of figs. 

"No, you ain't no ghost," said the grocery man, recog- 
nizing the bad boy. "GhosU do not go prowling around 
groceries stealing wormy figs. What do you mean l»y this 
anful masquerade business t My father never had no 

ghostl" ^ ^ . 

"O, we have struck it now," said the bad boy, aa M 
pulled off his mask and rolled up the sheet he had worn 
around him. "We are going to have amateur theatricals, 
to raise money to have the church carpeted, and I am going 
to boss the job." 

"You dont say," answered the grocery man, aa he 
thought how much he could sell to the church people for 
a strawberry and ice cream festival, and how little he oonld 
sell for amateur theatricals. "Who is going into it, and 
what are you going to playl" 

"Pa and Ma, and nuk and the minister, and three choir 
gingwrs, and my chum, and the miniitar's wife, and two 
deaaons, and an old maid are re he a rain g, but we hava not 
tefdad what to play yat Thay "H want to play • dahr^ 



pick's bis bot. 



125 



•nt play, and I am fixing it ao they can all be latiafied. 
The minister wants to play Hamlet, Fa wants to play Bip 
Van Winkle, Ma wants to pli^ Mary Anderson, the old 
maid wants to play a boarding-school play, and the ehoir 
singers want an^ opera, and the minister's wife wants to 
play Lady Macbeth, and my ehnm and me want to play a 
double song-and-dance, and I am going to give them all a 
show. We had a rehearsal last ni(^t, and I am the only 
one able to be aronnd to-di^. Ton see, they have all been 
studying different plays, and they all wanted to talk at 
once. We let the minister sail in first. H« bad on * pair 
of his wife's black stockings, and a mintle made of a linen 
buggy-lap blanket, and he wore a mason's cheese knife 
guoh as these fellows with poke bonnets and white feathers 
wear when they get an invitation to a funeral or an excur- 
sion. Well, yon never saw Hamlet murdered the way he 
did it His interpretation of the character was that Ham- 
let waa a dude that talked through his nose, and while he 
was repeating Hamlet's soliloquy. Fa, who had come in 
with an old hunting suit on, as Bip Van Winkle, went to 
sleep, and he didn't wake up till Lady Macbeth came in, 
in tiie sleep-walkiug scene. She couldn't find a knife, so 
I took a slice of watermelon and sharpened it for her, and 
she made a mistake in the one she was to stab, and she 
stabbed Hamlet in the neck with a slice of watermelon, and 
the core of the melon fell on Fa's taie, as he lay asleep as 
Bip, and when Lady Macbeth said, 'Out damned spot,' Fa 
woke up and felt the gob of watermelon on his face, and 
he thought he had been murdered, and Ma came in on a 
hop, skip and jump as 'Parthenia,' and threw her arms 
around a deacon who was going tP play the grave-digger, 
and began to call him pet names, and Pa waa mad, and the 
ehoir singera they began to sing, 'In the North Sea lived a 
whale,' and then they quit acting. Tou'd a dide to see 



IM 



THB CmOCBBT MAN AKD 



Hainlat Th« piece of watermelon went down hie neek, 
•ad Ii«dy Msdbeth went off and left it in the woondondw 
hi* eollar, and Ma had to pnll it out, and Hamlet nid the 
■eeda and the jnioe was muning down inaide hie shirt, and 
he said he wouldn't play if he was going to he stabbed with 
a sliee of melon, so while his wife was getting the melon 
seeds out of his neok, and drying the jnioe on his shirt, I 
sharpened a ononmber for Lady Macbeth to nse as a dag- 
ger, but Hamlet kicked on ouonmbers, too, and I had more 
trouble than any stage manager ever had. Then Pa wanted 
to rehearse the dmnken scene in Eip Van Winkle, where 
he hugs Gretchen and drinks out of a flask behind her 
back, asd he got one of the choir singers to act as Gretchen, 
and I gueaa he would have been hugging tiU this time, and 
have swallowed the flask, if Ma had not taken him by the 
ear and said, a Uttle of dtat would go a good ways in an 
entertainment for the church. Pa said he didn't know as 
it was any worse than her prancing up to a grave-digger 
and hugging him till the filling came out of his teeth, and 
then the minister decided that we wonl4n't have any hng- 
jing at all in the play, and the choir girls said they 
wouldn't play, and the old maids stmok, and the play 
came to a stand-still." 

"Well, that beato anything I ever heard tell of. It|s a 
shame for people outside the profession to do play aoting, 
and I won't go to the er.tertainment nnless I get a pass," 
said the grocery i^an. "Did you rehearse any more t" 

"Tai the minister Wanted to try the ghost scene," said 
the boy, "and he wanted me to be the ghost Weil, they 
have two 'Markses' and two 'Topsies' ia Uncle Tom's 
Cabin, and I thought two ghosts in Hamlet would about 
All the Irill f or amateurs, so I got my ohnm to aot as one 
^KMt We broke them all up. I wanted to have something 
new in ^uwts, so my chum and me got two pab of Ma's 



i'eok's bad bot. 



127 



» , -«f- 



long (toekmgs, one pair red and one pair blae, and I pnt on 
a red one and a bine one, and my chum did the same. 
Then we got some raffled clothes belonging to Ma, with 
flounces and things un, and put them on so they came most 
down to our knees, and we put sheets over us, clear to onr 
feet, and when Hamlet got to yearning for his father's 
ghost, I came in out of the bathroom with the sheet over 
me, and said I was the huckleberry he was looking for, 
and my chum followed me out and said he was a twin 
ghost, also, and then Hamlet got on his ear and said he 
wouldn't play with two ghosts, and he went off pouting, 
and then my chum and me pulled off the sheets and danced 
a elog dance. Well, when the rest of the troop saw our 
make-up, it nearly killed them. Most of them had seen 
ballet dancers, but they never saw them with different col- 
ored socks. The minister said the benefit was rapidly 
becoming a farce, and before we had danced half a minute 
Ma recognized her socks, and she came for me with a hot 
box, and made me take them off, and Fa was mad and said 
the dancing was th^ only thing that was worth the price 
of admission, and he scolded Ma, and the choir girls sided 
with Fa, and just then my chum caught his toe in the 
carpet and fell down, and that loosened the plaster over- 
head and about a bushel fell on the crowd. Fa thought 
lightning had struck the house, the minister thonght it was 
a judgment on them all for play acting, and he began to 
shed his Hamlet costume with one hand and pick the plas- 
ter out of his hair with the other. The women screamed 
and tried to get the plaster out of their necks, and wtile 
Pa was brushing off the choir singers Ma said the rehearsal 
was adjourned and they all went home, but we are going 
to rehearse again on Friday night. The play cannot be 
eontidered a success, but we will bring it out all rif^t by 
the time tl* entertainment is to oome off." 



128 



TBB OBOCHIT lUM IMI) 



"By gum," iwd Um grooMT "MB. "I ^<«>1* **• *• ^ 
wen that miniiter M HMnlet. Didn't he look ftmnyt 

"Funny! WeU, I ihonld remMk. He eeemad to pr^ 
dominate. That is, he was too f^ed^ too numewna, •• it 
were. But at the next reheaml I am going to work in an 
aot from Bichard the Third, and my chum is going to pli^ 
the Caunaman of the Danites ,and I guess we wiU take the 
eake Say, I want to work in an idiot somewhere. How 
would you like to plsy the Idiotl Tou wouldn't haw to 

rehearse or anything—" ^ , »v 

At this point the bad hoy was seen to go out of the gro- 
cery store real spry, f oUowed by a box of wooden elothe^ 
pin», that the groeery man had thrown after him. 



peck's bad bot. 



191 



CHAPTBB XXIV. 



THC ORVKL WOMAN AND TBI LUCKLBBB 000. 



"Hello!" laid the grooeiy man to the bad boy, aa he 
eame in with a black eye, leading a hungry looking dog 
that was walking on three legs, and had one leg tied up with 
a red silk handkerchief. "What is this — a part of your 
amateur theatre t Now, you get out of here with that dog 
mighty quick. A boy that hurts dogs so they have to have 
their legs tied up, is no friend of mine," and the grocery 
man took up a broom to drive tho dog out doors. 

"There, you calm yourself," says the boy to the grocery 
man, as the dog got behind the boy and looked up at the 
grocery man as though he was not afraid as long as the bad 
boy was around. "Set up the crackers and cheese, sausaRC 
and pickles, and everything this dog wants to eat — he is a 
friend of mine — that dog is my guest, and those are my 
splints on his broken leg, and that is my handkerchief that 
my girl gave me, wound around it, and yon touch that 
dog except in the nay of kindness, and down comes your 
honte." And the boy doubled up his fists as though he 
meant business. 

"Poor doggie," said the grocer}- man, aa he cut off a 
piece of sausage and offered it to the dog, wjiich was de- 
clined with thanks, expressed by the wagging tail. "Where 
did yon steal himt" 

"I didn't steal bin, and he is no cannibal. He won't 
eat yonr sausage I" and the boy put up his elbow as though 
t* ward off an imaginary blow. "Ten see, this dog wis 



130 



TBI OBOCBBT HAM AMD 



foUowing . pet dog that belong*! to • JT^ "* ^ 
tried to Aoo him .wv, but he wouldn't Aoo Th» dog 
did not know th.t he was a low born, nuwrable dog, wd 
had no right to move in the society of an anstowatio pet 
dog, and he foUowed right along. He thought thu wa. a 
free country, and one dog wa. a. good a. another, and he 
foUowed that woman and her pet dog nght mto her door 
yard. The pet dog encouraged this dog, and he went m 
the yard, and when the woman got up on the »teP« *« 
threw a velocipede at thU dog and broke hia leg, and tten 
she took up her pet and went in the hou«> eo she wouldn t 
hear this dog howl. She is a nice woman, and I see her go 
to meeting every Sunday with a lot of "'"■T^. '^^"^ 
her hands, and once I pumped the organ m the ehurch 
where she goes, and she was so pious I thought she wa. an 
L^-but%r^ls don't break dogs legs. I'll bet when die 
goi up to the gate and sees St. Peter open the book and 
^ for the charges against her she will tremble u though 
she had fits. And when St. Peter runs his finger down the 
ledger, and stops at the dog column, ^d turns and loota 
at her over his speotadee, and says, 'Madam, how about 
your stabbing a poor dog with a velocipede, and breatong 
its legt' she wiU claim it was an accident; but she can^ 
fool Pete. He is on to everybody's racket, and if they get 
in there, they have got to have a plean record." 

"Say, look-a-here," said the grocery man, as he l<X)ked 
at the boy in astonishment as he unwound the b^dto- 
chief to dress the dog's broken leg, while «»« dogJ~'«^ 
UP in the boy's face with an expresaion of thaiOrfulness 
anl confidence that he was an able practitioner in dog bone 
setting, "what kind of talk is thatt You talk of heaven as 
thon0i the booka were kept like the booW of a giooery, 
and you apeak too familiarly of St. Peter. 
"Well, I didn't mean any disr«^eet," said tb« Doy, m 



pick's bad bot. 



181 



be flzsd the ipliati on the dof't leg, and tied it with • 
■tring, while the dog lieked hi* hand, "bat I learned in 
Sunday sohool that np there they watoh even the iparrow'e 
fall, and they wouldn't be apt to get left on a dog bigger 
tha 1 a whole flook of sparrowt, 'ipeoially when the dog'i 
fall wai acoompanied with aaoh a noise as a veloeipede 
makes when it falls down stairs No sir, a woman who 
throws a Teloeipede at a poor, homeless dog, and breaks its 
leg, msy oany a carload of prayer books, and she may 
attend to all the soeiables, ant avoording to what I have 
been told, if she goes sailing up to the gate of New Jeru- 
salem, as though she owned the whole place and expeots 
to be oahered into a private box, she will get left. The 
man in ine box offioe wiU tell her she is not on the list, and 
that there is a variety show below, where the devil is a 
star, and fallen angels are dancing the can-can with sheet- 
iron tights, on brimstone lakes, and she can probably crawl 
under the canvas, but she can't get in among the angelic 
hosts until she can satisfactorily explain that dog stoiy 
that is told of her. Possibly I have got a raw way of ex- 
pressing myself, but I had rather take my ohanoes if I 
should apply for admission up there, with this lame dog 
under my arm than to take hers with a pug dog that hain't 
got any legs broke. A lame dog and a clear oonsoience 
beats a pet dog, when ymr conscience feels nervous. Now 
I am going to lay this dog -a a barrel of dried apples, 
where your oat sleeps, and give him a little rest, and I will 
give you four minutes to tell me all yon know, and yon will 
have three minutes on your hands with nothing to say. 
Unbutton your lip and give your teeth a vacation." 

"Well, yon have got gall. However, I don't know but 
you are right about that woman that hurt the dog. Still, 
it may have been her way of petting a strange dog. Wn 
should try to kxA upon tha eharitable side of people'^ 



la 



HAM iM> 



aeoHitriaitiM. But ••y, 1 wmt to •* y«m U you have ii«i 
ujthiiig of my mm th«t d«UT«n groowi*. Sttoiday 
ni^ I Mnt him over to your honie to ddlTor Mm* tUnai, 
kbont ten o'eloek, and h« Jim rot diowod up dnoe. WaX 
do yon think hai beoome of himi" 

"Well, hy gam, th«t aeoonnte for it Saturday night, 
•bout ton o'eloek, we hewrd lomebody in the Imok yard, 
aronnd the Utehen door, jnat ai we were going to bed, and 
Pa waa afraid it waa a bnrglar after the ehnreh money he 
had eoUeoted laat Sunday. He had got to turn it oror the 
nest day, to pay the miniater'e expenaea on hia vacation, 
and it made him nervona to hate K around. I peeked out 
of the window and law the man, and I told Pa, and Pa got 
a revoWer and began ahooting throng the wire aereen to 
the kitchen window, and I saw the man drop the baaket 
and begin to climb over the fence real midden, and I went 
out and began to groan, as though aomebody was dying in 
the aUfly. Md I brought in ta? basket with the mackerel 
and green eom, and told ?e liiat from the groaning out 
there I guess he had killed the grocery delivery man, and 
I wanted Pa to go out and help me hunt for the body, but 
he said he waa gong to take the midnight train and go out 
west on some businen, and Pa lit out. I guess your man 
was scared and went one way, and Pa was scared and went 
the other. WonH they be astonished when they meet each 
other on the other side of the world t Pa wiU ahoot him 
again when they meet, if he gives Pa any sass. P» "V* 
when he gets mad he had just as soon eat as to kill a man." 
"Well, I guess my man baa gone off to a Sunday picnic 
or something, and will come back when he gets sober, but 
how are your theatricals getting alongt" asked the grocery 

man. 

"0, that scheme is all busted," said fte boy. "At least 
lutil the miniater gets back from hia vaoatiou. Tha etm- 



nOK'S UD BOT. 



M? 



gniatiMi hu notind a red ipot on Ui hand for Mine time, 
and the ladiea eaid what he needed waa rat Thejr laid if 
that ipot waa allowed to go on it might develop into a pim- 
ple, and the miniiter might die of blood poiion, inperin- 
dneed hj oTerworic, and they took up a eoUeetion, and he 
haa gone. The ni^t they bid him good-bye, the ipot on 
hia hand waa the inbjeet of mneh comment The women 
aighed and laid it was laAj thejr notieed the ipot on hb 
hand before it had lapped hia young life away. Pa laid 
Job had more than fonr hundred boili wone than that, and 
he nerer took a raeation, and then Ha dried Pa up. She 
told Fa he had never niflered from blood poiaon and Pa 
■aid he ooold raiae eat boili for the market and never 
■qneal. Ha aee the only way to shnt Pa up waa to let him 
go home with the ehoir linger. So die bonneed him off 
with her, and he didnt get home till 'moet eleven o'elook, 
but Ha ihe aet np for him. Haybe what ihe laid to Pa 
made him go West after peppering yoor bnr^ar. Well, I 
mnit go home now, 'eanae I ran the family linee Pa lit oat. 
Say, aend aome of your moet ezpenaive canned f raita and 
thing! over to the honie. Dam the ezpenae." And the 
bad boy took the lame dog nnder hia arm and walked ont 



1S4 



THI OlOflan lUM AXB 



OHAPTBRXXV. 



TBI BAD BOT aiOWB THOnOHWUL. 

"Wluit ;«a nttinff than like k bump on a \og fort" 
Mk«d the grocery man of the b<td boy, ■■ the youth had eat 
on a box for half an hour, with hia handi in Ua poeketa, 
looking at a hole in the floor, until hia eyea were eet like a 
dying hxnt. "What you thinking of, anywayf It seems to 
me boys set around and think more than they used to when 
I waa a boy," and the grocery man brushed the wilted let- 
tuce, and ahook it, and tried to make it st-md up stiff and 
eriap, before he put it ontdoora; but the contrary lettuce 
which had be«i picked the day before, looked ao tired that 
the boy noticed U. 

"That lettuce leminda me of a girl. Yesterday I was in 
here when it waa new, like the prl going to the picnic, and 
U was as fieah and proud, and starched up, and kitteny, 
and full of life, and saa«y aa a girl starting out for a picnic. 
To-diV it haa got back from the picnic, and, like the girl, 
the etaich ia all taken out, and it ia limber, and languid, 
and tired, and cant stand up alone, and it looks aa though 
it wanted to be laid at rest bedde the rotten apples in tiie 
alley, rather than be set out in front of a store to be sold 
to h(niat people, and pve them gangrene of the Uver," and 
the boy put on a health commissioner air that frightened 
the grocery man, and he threw the lettuce out the back 

doof- .. ... 

"Ton never mind about my lettuce," said the grocery 



nox'i BAD aoT. 



US 



man, "I «aii attend to my kffain. But now tall me wl::.t 
70a were thinking tbont here all the morning t" 

"I WM thinking what a fool King Solomon was," said 
the boy, with the air of one who has made a itatement that 
ha« got to be argued pretty strong to make it hold water. 

"Now, look-a-here," eaid the grocery man, in anger, "I 
have rtood it to have you play tricks on me, and have 
listened to yonr condemned foolishness without a murmur 
as long as yon have confined yourself to people now livinjr, 
but when you attack Solomon— the wisest man, the great 
king— and call him a fool, friendship ceases, and you nuut 
get out of this store. Solomon, in all his glory, is a friend 
of mine, and no fool boy is going to abuse him in my 
presence. Nor. you dry up I" 

"Sit down on the ice-box," said the boy to the grocer>- 
man; "what you need is rest. Ton are overworked. Tour 
alleged brain is equal to wilted lettuce, and it can devise 
ways and means to hide rotten peaches under good ones, 
BO as to sell them to blind orphans ; but when it comes to 
grasping great questions, your small brain cannot compre- 
hend them. Tour brain may go up sideways to a great 
question and rub against it, but it cannot surround it, and 
grasp it That's where you are deformed. Now, it is dif- 
ferent with me. 1 can raise brain to sell to you grocery 
men. Listen. This Solomon is credited with being the 
wisest man, and yet history says he had a thousand wives. 
Just think of it. Ton have got one wife, and Pa has got 
one, and all the neighbors have one, if they have had any 
kind of luck. Does not one wife make you pay attention » 
Wouldn't two wives break yon npt Wouldn't three cause 
you to see stars » How would ten strike yout Why, man 
alive, you do not grasp the magnitude of the statement 
that Solomon had a thousand wives 1 A thousand wives. 



186 



THE OROOEBT UAN ANO 



itanding ride by ride, would reach abont four block*. 
Marebing l>y fours, it Would take them twenty minute* to 
pass a given point. The largest summer resort hotel only 
holds about five hundred people, so Sol would have had to 
hire two hotels if he took his wives out for a day in the 
country. If you would stop and think once in a while you 
would know more." 

The grocery man's eyes had begun to stick out as the 
bad Yxv continued, as though the statistics had never been 
brought to his attention before, but he was bound to stand 
by his old friend, Solomon, and he said, "Well, Solomon's 
wivea must have been different from our wives of the 
present day." 

"Not much," said the boy, as he saw he was paralyang 
the grocery man. "Women have been about the same ever 
sinoe Eve. She got mashed on the old original dude, and 
it stands to reason that Solomon's wives were no better 
than the mother of the human race. Statistics riiow that 
one wnman out of every ten is red-headed. 'That would 
pve Solomon an even hundred red-headed wives. Just 
that hundred red-headed wives would be enough to make 
an ordinary man think that there is a land that is fairer 
than this. Then there would be, out of the other nine hun- 
dred, abont three hundred blondes, and the other rix 
hundred would be brunettes, and maybe a few albinos and 
bearded women, and fat women, and dwarfs. Now, those 
thousand women had appetites, desires for dress and style, 
the same as all women. Ima^e Solomon saying to them : 
"Girls, lets all go down to the ice cream saloon and have 
a dish of ice cream.* Can you, with your brain muddled 
with oodflah and new potatoes, realize the scene that would 
foUowt Suppose after Solomon's broom brigade had got 
seated in the iee creamery, one of the red-headed wives 



pick's bad bot. 



137 



ihonld estoh Solomon winking at • itrange girl st another 
table. Ton may think Solomon did not know enough to 
wink, or that he was not that kind of a flirt, bat he mutt 
haye been or he could nerer have snceeeded in marrying a 
thoniand wives in a sparsely settled conntiy. No, sir, it 
looks to me as thongh Solomon, in all his glory, was an old 
maaher, and from what I have seen of men being bossed 
around with one wife, I don't envy Solomon his thousand. 




TBI BABT 18 TIITIilNO. 



Why, jnat imagine that gang of wives going and ordering 
fall bonnets: Solomon would have to be a king or a Van- 
derbilt to stand it. Ma wears five dollar silk stockings, and 
P»kiek( awfully when the bill comes in. Imaj^e Solomon 
putting np for a few thoasand pair of silk stockings I I 
am glad yon will sit down and reason with me in a rational 
way about some of these Bible stories that take my breath 
•way. The minister stands me off when I try to talk with 



138 



TBB OBOOBBT MAM AKD 



bim aboat nich things, and telli me to rtady the pmJ^ 
of the Prodigal Son, and the deaeona teU me to go and 
■oak my head. There ia dam Uttle enoonragement for a 
boy to try and flgnre out thing). How would you like to 
have a thousand red-headed wirea oome into the store this 
minute and teU yon they wanted you to send earriages 
around to the house at three o'doek so they eonld go for a 
driyet Or how would you like to have a hired gfarl eome 
rushing in and tell you to send up six hundred doctors, 
because six hundred of your wives had been taken with 
cholera morbuat Op—" 

"O, don't mention it," said the grocery man, with a 
shudder. "I wouldn't tite Solomon's place, and be the 
natural protector of a thousand wires if anybody would 
give me the earth. Think of getting up in a cold wmter 
morning and buUding a thousand Ureal Think of two 
thousand pair of hands in a feUow's hair I Boy, you have 
shown me that Solomon needed a guardian over him. He 
didn't have senae." 

"Tee," says the boy, "and think of two thousand feet, 
each one as eold as a brick of chocoUte ice cream. A man 
would want a back as big aa the fence of a fair gronni 
But I dont want to harrow up your feelings. I must go 
and put some arnica on Pa. He haa got home, and says he 
has been to a summer resort on a vacation, and he ia all 
covered with blotches. He siors it is mosquito bites, but 
Ma thinks he haa been shot full of bird shot by some water- 
melon farmer. Ma hasn't got any eympathy for Pa be- 
eause he didn't take her along, but if she had been thwe 
JU would have been fllled with bird shot, too, But yon 
«i»«tk't detain me. Between Pa and the baby, I have got 
•B 4ili can attend to. The baby ia teething, and Ma 
I put my fingers in the briiy's mouth to halp it 




PECK '8 BAD BOT. 



139 



ent taeth. That ia a hnmiliatipg position for a boy ai big 
ai I am. Say, how many babies do yon flgnre that SolomoD 
had to boy rabber tooUiing rings for, in all his gloiy t" 

And the boy went ont, leaving the grocery man refleet- 
ing on what a family Solomon most have had, and how he 
needed to be the wisest man to get along without a eireos 
afternoon and evening. 



140 



ram oioobt has iin> 



CHAFTBB XXVI. 



"Want to bny Miy oibbageit" aid tht bad boy to the 
groceir man, as he itopped at the door of the gioeec. 
dnsMd in a bine iranraa, hie breeehei taeked in hia boots, 
and an old hat on his hoftd, with a hole that let out his hair 
throng the top. He had got out of a demoerat wagon, and 
was holding the lines hitched to a horse about forty years 
old, that leaned against the hitching poet to rest, "Only a 

diilling apieee." 
"O, go 'w^," said the grocery man. "I only pay three 

cents apiece." And then he looked at the boy and «id 
"Hello, Hennery, is that yont I haw missed yon aU the 
wedc, and now yon come on to me sudden, disguised as a 
granger. What does this all meant" 

"It means that I have been the victim of as vile a con- 
spiiaoy as eror was known rince Oasar was stabbed, and 
Mare Antony orated over his prostrate corpse in the 
Boman forum, to an andience of snpee and scene shifter^" 
and the boy, dropping the linea on the sidewalk, said> 
"Whoa, gol dam youl" to the horse that was asleep, wiped 
hia boots on the grass in front of the store and came in, and 
seated himself on the old half bushel. "There, this seems 
like home again." 

"What's the rowf— who has been playing it on yonf 
And the grocery man smelled a sliarp trade in cabbages, as 
well aa other smells peculiar to the brm. 
"Well, ni teU you. Lstely oor ftilks have bean con- 



nox'a BID BOT. 



141 



ttantly taUdag of the indepeiidant life of th« f aimer, and 
how eaax it ia, and how tha^ would like it if I would learn 
to be a fanner. They aaid there waa nothing Uke it, and 
aereral of the nei^bora joined in and aaid I had the 
natnral ability to be one of the moat ineoeaafal farmera in 
the atate. Thegr all drew pietnrea of the fun it waa tc work 
on a farm where 70a eoold get yonr work done and take 




"AMD PITOB BAT ADD SKILL THB 8Wm FIBFUIO. 



yonr flah-pole and go off and oateh fiah, or a gun and go 
out and kill game, and how yon oonld ride horaea, and 
pitoh hay, and amell the iweet perfume, and go to huaking 
beea, and danoea, and everythiug, and they got me all work- 
ad np ao I wanted to go to work on a farm. Than an oM 
d^aecm that belongs to oor drareb, who runs a farm aboat 
ei^ milea out of town, ha eama on the acene, and aaid he 



l«l 



THS OaOOBY If AN AKD 



wanted • boj, and if I would go oat and work for him he 
would be eaqr on ma beoanaa ha knew my folka, and we 
balonced to the aame ehnreh. I ean lee it now. It waa all 
a put np job on me, joit like they play thtee eard monte 
on a f reih itianger. I wai took in. By goah, I have been 
out there a week, and here'a what there ia left of me. The 
only way I got a ehanoe to oome to town waa to tell the 
farmer I oonld aell eabbagea to yon for a ahillinga a piece. 
I knew yon aold them for fifteen eenta and I thoagfat that 
wonld give me a ihilling. So the fanner said he woold pay 
me my wages in cabbages at a shilling apiece and only 
charge me a dollar for the hone and wagon to bring them 
in. So yon only pay three cents. Here are thirty cabbages, 
whieh will come to ninety cents. I pay a dollar for the 
hone, and when I get bade to the farm I owe the farmer 
ten cents, beaidea working a week for nothing. 0, it ia all 
ri|^t I don't kick, but this ends farming for Hennery. 
I know when I have got enough of an easy life on a farm. 
I prefer a hard life, breaking stones on the streets, to an 
easy, dreamy life on a fkim." 

"Th«y did play it on yon, didn't they t" said the groceiy 
man. "But waan't the old deacon a good man to work 
fori" 

"Qood man nothing," said the boy, as he took up a piece 
of horseradish and began to grate it on the inside of his 
rou^ hand. "I tall you there's a heap of difletenee in a 
deacon in Sunday school, telling about sowing wheat and 
tarea, and a deacon out on a farm in a hurty seaaon, when 
there is hay to get in and wheat to harvest all at the aame 
time. I went out to the farm Sunday evening with the 
deaecm and his wife, and th«y oonldnt talk too nmch 
abont Hu nice time we would have, and the fnn; but the 
dsiaon changed more than forty degreea in Ats minntes, 
' we got to the fann. He jumped out of Oa wagon 



feck's bad bot. 



143 



and pulled off hit coat and let his wift climb out over th.- 
wlMd, and yelled to the hired girl to bring out the milk 
pail, and told me to fly aronnd and onhameH the hone 




inn>, BUBBS AMD HOSqUITOBS WXBB THICK. 

and throw down a lot of hay for the work animals, and 
then told me to mn down to the paatnre and drive np a lot 
of oowi. The pasture wag half a mile away, and the cows 
were aoattered aronnd in the woods, and the mosquitos were 
thiek, and I got all ooTered with mad and bnrrs, and stong 
witii thistiea, and when I got the oattle near to the home, 
the old deaoon yelled to me that I waa dower than iiinlaf 



144 



THX QBOCBBT MAN iSO 



in tk* wintw, and thm I took m ohib tod triad to hnnr^ 
the flowi, nd he y«Ued at mo to itop hnrrjring, 'fum I 
wmld retMd the flow of milk. By godi I »« mad. I 
mV«h for * inoiqiiito-bM to put oyer me the next time I 
went after the oowe, and the people aU UniM at me, and 
when I eat down on the-fenee to aorape the mnd off my 
Sunday panti, the deaeon yelled like he doee in the re- 
viY.1, only he laid, ' Come, eoL .e, prooraatination if the ttdef 
of time. Yon get up and hump yonrcelf and go and feed 
the pigfc' He waa ao dam mean that I could not help 
throwing a bnrdook burr againat the aide of the eow he waa 
milking, and it rtmck her rij^t in the flank on the other 
side from where the deaoon waa. Well, you'd a dide to 
' aee the oow jump up and bUt. All four of her feet were 
off the ground at a time, and I gneaa meet of them hit the 
deaeon on hia Sunday vMt, and the reet hit the milk pail, 
and the oow backed againrt the fence and bellered, and the 
deaeon waa all covered with milk and cow hair, and ho got 
up and throwed the three-legged rtool at the eow and hit 
her on the horn and it glano«d off and hit me on the panti 
joit aa I went over the fence to feed the piga. I didn't 
know a deaoon could talk so «a«y at a cow, and eome ao 
near "wearing without actually saying ousa worda. WeU, 
I lugged awill until I waa homesick to mj stomaeh, and 
then I had to dean off horses, and go to the nei(^ibora 
about a mile away to borrow a lot of rakea to use the next 
day. I waa ao tired I almoat cried, and then I had to draw 
two barrela of water witii a well bucket, to deanae for 
waahing the next day, and by that time I wanted to die. 
It waa most nine o'clock, and I began to think about sup- 
per, when the deacon said aU they had was bread and milk 
for'sopper Sunday ni(^t, and I rasseled with a tin baain of 
ikjm milk, and some old baA number bread,' and wanted to 
go to bed, but the deaoon wanted to know if I waa heathen 



PMX'8 BAD BOT. 



146 



•noDfli to want to fo to bad without eraniisg prtjan. 
There waa no one thing I wu leM niMhed on than evening 
prayen abont that minote, bnt I had to take a pntyer half 
an honr long on top of that skim milk, and I gnev it 
enrdled the milk, for I hadn't been in bed more than half 
an hoar before I had the worat oolio a boy ever had, and I 
thonijit I ahoold die all alone np in that garret, on the 
floor, with nothing to make my laat honra pleaaaot bat 
aome rati playing with eart of aeed oom on the floor, and 
miee ronning through lome dry pea pode. Bnt how differ- 
ent the deacon talked in the evening devotiona from wbttt 
he did when the oow waa galloping on him in the bam 
yard. Well, I got through the oolio and waa jnat getting 
to deep when the deaeon yelled for me to get ap and hoatle 
down ataira. I thoni^t maybe the home waa on Are, 'eanae 
I imelled amoke, and I got into my troaaer* «3d eame down 
ataira on a jump yelling 'Fire,' when the deacon grabbed 
me and told me to get down on my kneea, and before I 
knew it he waa into the morning devotiona, and when he 
Mid 'Amen' and jumped and said f or ni to fii« bnaktaat 
into na qnick and get to work doing ohorea. I looked at 
the elook and it waa just three o'clock in the morning; jnat 
the time Pa oomee home and goes to bed in town, when lie 
ia rooming a political campaign. Well, air, I had to jnmp 
from one thing to another from throe o'clock in the morn- 
ing till nine at night, pitching h«y, driving reaper, raking 
and binding, ahockiag wheat, hoeing com, and evoything, 
and I never got a kind word. I ipoiled my olothei, and I 
think another week would make a pirate of me. Bat dar- 
ing it all I had the advantage of a pioua example. I tell 
yoa, }oa think more of inch a man aa the deacon if yoa 
don't work tor him, but only see him when he oomea to 
town, and you hear him sing, 'Heaven ia my Home,' 
thnni^ his noae. He even is farther from home than any 



IM 



TBI OaOOCBT lUX AMD 



pUee I «»er Iwwd of. He ironld b« • good mate on • 
UiMiMippi Biver ite«mbo«t if he oonld ewear, and I pm* 
he oonld eoon leam. Now you take theM eaWiageB and 
give me ninety oents, and I wUl go home and borrow tm 
cents to make np the doUar, and «end my ohum back with 
the hone and wagon and my resignation. I wa« not eat 
out for a farmer. Talk about ftahing, the only flih I iaw 
wai a aalt white fl»h we had for breakfast one morning, 
which was salted by Noah, in the ark," and while the 
groeeiy man was unloading the cabbages the boy went off 
to look for his chum, and later the two boys were seen 
driving off to the farm with two fishing poles sticking out 
of the hind end of the wagon. 



ntOX'8 BAD BOT. 



147 



CHAPTER XXVII. 



DMNKINO OmU ID TBS CCLUUk 



"Will, I twow, hen eomea a walking hospital," uid the 
groeciT man ai the bad boy't shadow came in the (tore, 
followed hy the boy, who looked sick and yellow, and tired, 
and he had lost half hi* flesh. "What's the matter with 
yout Haven't got the yellow fever, have yout" and the 
groceiy man plaeed a cOiair where the invalid could fall 
into it 

"No, gnt-the ager," said the boy as he wiped the perspi- 
tatiou off his upper lip, and looked aronnd the store to see 
if there was anything in sight that would take the taste of 
quinine out of his mouth. "Had too much dreamy life of 
ease on the farm, and been shaking ever since. Dam a 
farm anyway-" 

"What, you havoi.'t been to work for the deacon any 
more, have yout I thought you sent in your resignation ;" 
and the grooery man offered the boy some limberger cheese 
to strengthen him. 

"O, take that cheese away," said the boy, as he turned 
pale and gagged. "Tou don't know what a sick person 
needs any more than a professional nurse. What I want U 
to be petted. You see I went oat to the farm with my 
ehnm, and I took the flsh-poles and remained in the woods 
while ha drove the horse to the deacon's; and he gave the 
deacon my resignation, and the deacon wouldn't accept it. 
He said he would hold my redgnaticm until after harvest, 
and (hot aet on it He said he could put me in jail ior 



M 



«( pnate, U I qoit wort Hid lift kim wilkiMf 
■Mnff preptr notiM; ac-* my flhnm earn* and tdd B^ and 
•0 1 aoBehidad to fo to irork rtthar tlMii h»T« my tiaabb, 
and tha dMOon laid my dmm «onId work a t«w day* for 
Ua board if ha mntod to. It was pretty dam poor board 
for a boy to work tor, bat my ehnm wanted to b« with ma, 
■0 ha itayad. Pa and Ma eame oat to tha farm to itay a 
dajr or two to hdp. Pa waa ffoinff to hdp hamat, and Ha 
WM goiiv to help tha deaeon'a wife, bat Pa wanted to 
aarry the jng to the field, and lay nnder a tree while the 
net of 08 worked, and Ua jnat talked the arm off the 
deaaont wife. The deaoon and Pa laid in the ihade and 
Ma my ehnm and me work, and Ma and the deaeon'a wife 
goMipped 80 they forgot to get dinner, and my ehnm and 
me organised a strike, bat we were beaten by monopoly. 
Pa took me by the neck and thradied ont a ihoek of wheat' 
with my heels, and the deaeon took my ehnm and sat down 
on Um, and we begged and they gaye ns onr (dd sitaatkna 
baok. But we got em with them that ni^t I tell yon, 
when a boy tries to be good, and quit playing jokaa on 
people, and tben haa ererytedy down on Um, and haa his 
Pa hire him ont on a farm to woA for a deaeon that 
hasn't got any soal exeept when he is in ehnrdi, and a 
boy has to get up in the ni^t to get breakfast and go to 
work, and haa to work nntil late at night, and flisy kiok 
beeanse he wsnts to put batter on his panoakea, and feed 
him Aim milk and rasty fat pork, it makes him tongh, and 
he woald play a joke on his aged grandmother. Alter my 
ehnm and me had got all ibe ehores done that ni^t, we 
sat oat on a fenee baek of the hoase in the orehard, eating 
giaan *PV^ "> ^ moonlii^ and trying to think of a 
plan of rerenge. Jnst then I saw a skank baek of Oe 
hoaae, riifU by the outside odlw door, ud I told my ehwa 
that it waold serre tham r!^ to drive, tha Aank down 



nOBli BABMT. 



UB 



adUr and drat th« door, bnt mf shnm Mid that would b« 
too BMU. I Mk«d Urn if it wonld bo anj nMaer than 
for tho doMon to sutteh no Iwld haadcd beMOM m 
eoaldn't mow liajr twajr fiit enongli for two mon to piteh 
in, ud 1m Mid it wouldn't, and m we got on each aide of 
the Annk and aort of aeared it down cellar, and then we 
crept up aoftly and eloaed the cellar doora. Then we went 
in the honae and I wfaiapered to Ua and aaked her if die 
didnt think the deacon had aome cider, and Ma die began 
to hint that ahe hadnt had a good drink of eider dnee laat 
winter, and the deaoon'a wife aaid m boya eonld take a 
pHehar and go down odlar and draw aooie. That waa too 
mndL I didn't want any dder, anyway, ao I told tiuu 
that I belonged to a temperance ioeiety, and I dioold break 
my pledge if I drawed cider, and die aaid I waa a good 
boy, for me never to toneh a drop of cider. 'Rien ahe told 
my ehnm where the cider barrd waa, down cellar; bnt he 
aint no alonoh. He Mid he wm afraid to go down cellar 
in the dai^ and lo Pa aaid he and the deacon wonld go 
down and draw the cider, and the deacon 'a wife adted Ma 
to go down too, and lotik at the froit and berriM die had 
eaoned for winter, and they all went down edlar. Pa 
carried an old tin lantern with bolM in it, to li^t the 
deacon to the cider barrel; and the deaoon'a wife had a 
taller candle to diow Ma the canned fmit I tried to gat 
Ma not to go, 'canae Ma ia a friend of mine, and I didnt 
want her to have anything to do with the cirena; bnt ahe 
aaid ahe guewed ihe knew her bnaincH. When anybody 
aaya they gncM they know their own bnaineM, that aettlea 
it wtth me, and I don't try to argve with them. Well, my 
(hum and me Mt fliera in the kitchen, and I atnibd a piece 
a< red talde doth in my month to keep flram lawghJtig; and 
mj Anm hdd Us nan with Ui flogw and ttnmh, as he 
wwddnH anort ri^ oat We conM hear tiie eider r«u in 



ISO 



TBB CaOOBBT UAX iMD 



Ae pHeher, and then it ttopped, and Uie deaeon drank out v 
of the pitoher, and then Pa ^ and then they, drawed 
■ome more dder, and M« and the deacon'* wife were talk- 
ii« abont how mneh mgar it to* to can fruit, and the 
deaeon told Pa to help himself out of a crook of fried 
■tffc— , tnd I heard the cover on Uie crock ratfle, and just 
then I heard the old tin lantern rattle on the brick floor of 
the eellar, the deacon eaid 'Merciful goodne«;' Pa «aid 
'Helen damnation, I am rtabbed;' and Ma yeUed 
><,Coodaea aakea aliye,' and then there was a lot of didipans 
on the ataini bepin to fall, and they all tried to get up 
eellar at once, and flieyfeU over eadi other; and O, my, 
wkU a frowy emell came up to the kitchen from the oel- 
tav. It waa enough to kill anybody. Pa wa» the flrat to 
get to the head of the staira, and he etuck hia head in the 
Utahen, and drew a long breath, and eaid 'wkooski Hen- 
nary, your Pa i» a mi^ly eick man.' The deacon came 
op n«rt, and he had run hia head into a hanging ahelf 
and broken a gtaaa jar of hmskleherriaa, and they were 
aU oret Um, and he said 'give me air. Berth's but a 
dt^g^jfcear.' Then Ma and the deacon's wife came up on 
• mtm, and thej looked tired. Pa began to ped off his 
eoat ^mi veat and aaid he was going out to bniy them, and 
Ma mM he aoold bury her, too, and I aAed the deaeon if 
%i didu't notice a faint odor of sewer gas coming from the 
•Aar, and my chum said it smdled more to him as thon^ 
, ft ,n i*i.fag had erawied in the ceUar and died. Well, yon 
never mm a sicker crowd, and I felt sorry for Ma and the 
daaeon, 'oante their false teeth fell out, and I knew Ma 
eonldnt gossip snd the deacon conldnt talk ssssy without 
teeth. But you'd dide to see Pa. He was mad, and 
thoo^ the deaeon h*d put up the job on him, and he was 
gofaig to knock the deacon out in two rounds, when Ma 
•aid there was no use of getting mad about a dispenaation 



pbok'8 bad bot. 



161 



of providenee^ and Pa laid one more saeh dispenaatioii of 
providenee wonld jtut Ull bim on the spot They flsaUy 
got the honM aired, and my ohom and me dept on the 
hay in tiie bam, after we had opened the outride cellar 
door ao the animal eonki ge^ out, and the next morning I 
had the feTer and igae, and Pa and Ma bioogfat me home, 
and I have been firing qninine down my neck ever rinoa. 
Pa taya it is malaria, bnt it is getting np before daylight 
in Ae morning and prowling aiaond a farm doing chorea 
before it is time to do chores, and I don't wiant any more 
farm. I thonght at 9and«y school last Snnday, when the 
superintendent talked about the odor of sanctity that per- 
vaded the bouse on that beautiful morning, and looked at 
the deacon, Hiat the des on thought the superintendent 
was referring to him and Pa, but maybe it was an aooident 
Well, I must go home and shoot anotlier charge of qninine 
into me," and the boy went out as it he was on his last 
le09, though he acted as if he was gtnng to have a little 
fun while he did last.